Tuesday, August 31, 2010

For Today . . . The Simple Woman's Daybook, August 31st

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...it is 68 degrees and there is heavy dew on the grass. Autumn is in the air!

I am thinking...about friendship and perceptions.

I am thankful for...my husband and son and the way they interact. Two peas in a pod!

From the learning rooms...ds has a Anatomy and Physiology test tomorrow -- he is dogsitting, so I hope he studies.

From the kitchen...I am thinking I need to make something with grits today.

I am wearing...my green knit gown.

I am creating...Moopie Bunny.

I am going...to have coffee/tea with old friends this weekend.

I am reading...I finally finished The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson! It was good and satisfying. Started Talk to the Hand by Lynn Truss last night.

I am hoping...to feel more centered and less pain as this week progresses.

I am hearing...my dogs begging for breakfast.

Around the house...there is less bathroom junk in the living room! But the toilet is still there. LOL!


One of my favorite things...is mint chocolate chip ice cream. Dh surprised me with a carton on Saturday night.

A few plans for the rest of the week...putting together some of my writing to send to a professor who is willing to read through it for me.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...




Hosted by The Simple Woman's Daybook

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Study, Part 2



(Warning: Adult content)








He always chose the study. Was this an effort to get at my dad or was it just more private?



They are babysitting us, my sister and me. There is the promise of a game. 




Then I am pressed against the paneled wall. His left hand holds me against the wall. I can feel it in the small of my back. He is muttering in my ear. He is saying things I cannot understand. He is talking about playing a game. “Let’s see what you like better. I know you’re going to like it. You know you’re going to like it.” I have no idea what he is talking about, but I am terrified. This is going to be bad.

His voice is escalating. He is harder and harder to understand. His voice is getting harsher. He reaches under my dress and pulls off my panties. He puts his finger inside my vagina. He squeezes with his hand. “How do you like that?” I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. He takes his hand away and I hear noises behind me. He is moving things around on my father’s desk.

He is talking again. “We are going to play a game. Which do you like more?”  He pushes something else inside me. It is one of the pens from my father’s desk. It is sharp and long and hurts. “What about that?” Then he pulls it out. He is getting more and more agitated. I can’t understand him at all now. What does he want from me? I can’t answer his questions or beg him to stop because he is holding me so tightly against the wall. I can barely breathe. He takes away the pen, and now it is the ebony letter opener. It is wider and hurts in a different way. He pulls it away. The next item is metal and cold. Scissors! He tells me he could cut me up inside. What if he does? I hold as still as I can. I don’t know how to may this stop. He is crazy-mean. He is going to kill me!

Suddenly the scissors are gone, but he is pressing up against my back now. I can feel his skin on my buttocks. He is pressing something into my anus. It hurts so badly! I am dying! He is pushing and pushing. I am sweating. I think I am going to throw up. I am going to pass out. The pain is unbearable. Then he stops. Something hot and wet is inside of me. He pulls out. The pressure is better but the pain is horrible. He is gone.

I still cannot move, even though he’s not holding me anymore. I lean against the wall sweating and in shock. I can’t even think.

He is back. What does that mean? He is nice again. He helps me into my panties, and picks me up in his arms. He carries me to the living room and tells her that I got hot playing. I need a bath. She takes me in her arms and heads to the bathroom.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Feel Good Friday: How to turn a great week into a blah week, and back into a good week



So the week started out on a high. We celebrated our 25th anniversary on Monday. I felt really happy and proud. We got lots of nice comments. It really is quite an accomplishment in this day and age. Not only are we still married, we still like each other and are glad we're still married!

Tuesday is therapy day. We worked on another episode from my past. Good progress was made, but at the same time it opens up a lot of pain, fear and sadness. I focused on being kind to myself, doing deep breathing, and staying focused on the present for the rest of the day. Dh and I watched a movie together and snuggled on the sofa for the evening.

Wednesday morning dh left at 5:30 am for a business trip. I woke up a little before 5:00 am and couldn't get back to sleep. Stress about dh's trip and the work in therapy. Wednesday was not one of my better days. I did some writing, a lot of computer solitaire and had a nice dinner with ds.

Thursday I was still feeling down, but I did get some housework done, ran an errand for ds and made myself an omelet for dinner. Still had some pain from my back (intense yoga class on Monday!) and some pain from the abuse. I went to bed around 10:30, and dh woke me up for a kiss and a snuggle around 11:30. 

Friday is hopefully going to be better. Dh is home. Ds has lots of weekend plans. Deep & Stretchy yoga is later this morning. Dh told me to go to the YMCA and sit in the hot tub after yoga. Tonight is date night. 

I've come full circle (almost) as my week begins and ends with my dh, and the love and joy he brings to my life : )


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thankful Thursday . . . Contentment



I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. -- Philippians 4:12-13


Finding contentment regardless of my current situations is a tough lesson for me. Thankful Thursday helps me to focus on what is really important in life.


I keep this list on my refrigerator to help me stay focused especially when the past seems to try to overtake me. I hope it helps you too.


What Is Really Important in Life?
To love and be loved
To appreciate the good and survive the bad
Not grades or weight or possessions
People are what count
Love, kindness, compassion
Peace




Visit Women Taking a Stand for more lists of gratitude. I hope your day is filled with gratitude and love.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Simple Woman's Daybook for August 24th

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...there is dew on the grass. The sky is pale blue. It looks like it will be a lovely day!

I am thinking...of all the blessings in my life.

I am thankful for...all of the wonderful thoughts and wishes we received for our anniversary yesterday.


From the learning rooms...ds was sick yesterday, but it's back to school today. Hope there's not too much makeup work!

From the kitchen...not much activity there lately.

I am wearing...my summer weight robe.

I am creating...a stuffed animal from the book Plush-O-Rama: Curious Creatures for Immature Adults.

I am going...to swim this afternoon and lay in the sun reading.

I am reading...The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson. I can't tell if this one is a "harder" read; if I'm just less intrigued; or if I just don't have the time.

I am hoping...for good news regarding dd's visit home in September.

I am hearing...ds showering and getting ready for school.

Around the house...things are still a mess, but progress is being made. We picked out tile for the bathroom last week.

One of my favorite things...is learning to do things I didn't think I could.

A few plans for the rest of the week...dh has another business trip this week, so I'm going to sew a lot I hope!

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...this is the tunic I finished for myself over the weekend. I'll be wearing it later today!





Hosted by The Simple Woman's Daybook


Monday, August 23, 2010

Twenty-five Years Already!?!

I don't usually post on Mondays, but this is a really special Monday. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary! First of all, yes I was a child bride! LOL! Actually dh (Alan) is younger than I am. It seems as if it is impossible that we have been married for 25 years. Alan asked last night what the defining moments in our marriage have been. You know, the best, the worst, the most memorable, the ones I'd just as soon forget. It's hard not to get nostalgic when faced with big moments.


This is what I know:
God gave me the opportunity to spend my adult life with Alan.
I would not be the person I am today were it not for Alan.
I have learned more than I have taught in this relationship.
I would not trade a single moment (although, some would've been nicer if I'd had a better understanding of life, myself and Alan).


As far as defining moments:
The obvious moments are moves, childbirth, sicknesses, but for me the defining moments are made up of smaller events.
Alan listening and not hating me when I told him the truth about how I felt about being a preacher's wife. 
Alan being supportive and relieved when I first acknowledged the abuse I suffered as a child. 
Alan laughing when I told him I was afraid he'd leave me. 
Alan making me smile and laugh and helping me learn to trust. 
Alan cheerfully putting up with stuffed animals, kids' music, kids' movies, and LOTS of faeries and hedgehogs!


Finally, the wonderful letter my darling husband wrote and read to me for our anniversary. (I got his permission to share it with you.) Yes we stood in the kitchen and cried, and it was lovely to feel so much love and appreciation from the man who love more than anyone in the world.


Alan, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You taught me what love really means -- that it's not just a word, it's a state of mind and a lifestyle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!


*********
August 23, 2010



Melanie,
It’s been 25 years. Wow. Who’d a thought it would have gone by so fast. Java and Piglet have been gone for what, 10 years. Dd, good happy child to psycho and maybe (hope hope) to responsible, relatively happy adult. Guess I’m just glad there are no grand kids yet. I hope ds will change his mind about that. I bet he will and maybe dd will find someone to be happy with and have us some grand kids...lol.
I thought about getting a cute or funny card but that didn’t seem like it would be all that meaningful (not like this is) but I thought writing a little might be nice. I mean I do write my prison buddy, every week, so I guess I can write you once every 25 years, not that I’m making a promise to stick to that schedule of course, but I did think it might be nice.
First of all, it has been hard sometimes. I do get frustrated about intimacy, about your still thinking I’m going to be mad at you or do something to hurt you but I am very glad that seems to be less frequent and less intense. Of course all the abuse has been very hard on both of us but maybe we’re finally going to start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am very proud of you for taking time to take care of yourself (eating better and getting more exercise) and I still want you to be able to lose something (I don’t even know how much) but I am starting to believe that being happy and having some fun and doing productive things is a lot more important.
On the up side, its been nice to have a companion to talk to over the years and do things with (from time to time anyway...lol). I hope over the next 25 years, we’ll find more fun things to do and spend less time working through flashbacks and more time finding fun places to walk and people to help along the way.
I don’t know if God has a plan for us but maybe, if we just take it one day at a time and try to do a few good things each day, it will work out OK.
I would like to help you write that book. I would love to go on sabbatical somewhere for 6 months or so where we could get up in the morning and have tea or hot chocolate and sit on the porch swing watching the sun come up over the water (either a lake or ocean would be fine), enjoy cool breezes and sunsets, Bible Study and cribbage. I’m a little tired of the rat race but I think, once we get the house paid off and the kids kicked out (I mean educated) maybe we could do something like that or at least find a little cabin on a lake somewhere.
I don’t know what else I want but I do want to find out with you. You frustrate the heck out of me some days but you know, that’s life. We’ve put in 25 years to try to figure this out and I think, all considered, we're doing pretty good.
I have no idea what the next 25 year will bring but I’m hoping more time with each other, more time helping others and a lot of time visiting with our kids and grand kids. 
Enjoy life. Embrace hope. Fear nothing. Be happy. Love yourself. I love myself but only because I realize the truth. I am made in God’s image for His good works and so are you.
Maybe one day we’ll get a bigger dog like a German Shepherd or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we enjoy each day as a gift, do more yoga, talk more, read more, laugh more, have more time together, write more and help others more.
All and all, its been a good 25 years. Maybe, 25 years from now, I’ll be 72 and you’ll be 73 and we’ll have written several kids' books, we’ll have written that novel, we’ll have 4 or 5 grand kids and a nice cabin on the beach were we can have big family reunions. Heck, if we keep doing a little exercise and eating more fiber, maybe we will even make it to 75 years... hope so.
I do love you. I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect but somehow we seem pretty perfect together in our imperfection and that’s good enough for me.
Lot’s of love, happy thoughts, kisses, positive self images and good times ahead.
: >
XOXO
Alan 


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Bloggerversary!

So yesterday was my one year anniversary, and I completely forgot. It was the obvious thing to write about for Feel Good Friday but of course that didn't occur to me until after I had written about yoga


So I've been blogging for a year now. I'm still unsure what my purpose here is. I've written about cooking, my abuse as a child, yoga, my kids, quitting work, and all manner of other things. Sometimes it's a fun thing to blog and it comes without any effort. Other times, it's agony, trying to come up with something that someone else would want be willing to read. But mostly, it's given me a chance to vent about some things (i.e., the abuse, bad work environment) and a chance to remind myself of all the good things in my life (i.e., my dh, my kids, my friends).


So happy bloggerversary to me! (And watch for Monday's post about a much more important anniversary!)



Friday, August 20, 2010

Deep and Stretchy Yoga

I love yoga classes. That being said, I sometimes have a hard time getting there. The realization of how much better I'll feel is a good motivator, though. Yesterday I got back to a class I really like, for the first time in nearly a month! The class is called Deep and Stretchy and is offered at my local yoga studio several times a week. I like it because it is relaxed and all about me! Here's the description of the class: Reduce aches and pains, prevent and heal injuries, enhance athletic performance, increase flexibility and range of motion. Restore and rehabilitate joints and muscles, prolong an active lifestyle, relieve tension associated with a busy, stressful lifestyle. Long, passive holds of 3-10 minutes, bringing you inward and helping to open the body. This class is appropriate for men and women of all ages, fitness and flexibility levels. Restore balance with this complement to your active practice, sports or other exercise. Absolute beginners to yoga are also welcome! 
Seriously, how can I NOT want to go to this class!


So for my FGF, I'm going back today! Yes the same class 2 days in a row. Just an added bonus is how much it helps relieve the memory pain I've been dealing with all week.


May you all find a Feel Good Friday that improves your life : )



Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day of Gratitude

It's Thankful Thursday. As is often the case, I am glad for this opportunity to focus on gratitude. Yesterday was a rough day with pain and memories, and this morning has brought pain again. So it's a good time to focus on the good things in my life and remind myself that the abuse is in the past.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Pain medication that works.

2. My husband's sense of humor, and his safe travels yesterday through torrential rain.

3. Rain that we needed very badly. Wishing peace to those who got too much rain though.

4. Plans to see some friends in a play this weekend. It's always nice to go out to a show, but it doubles the fun when friends are on the stage!

5. While I am not grateful for the pain I am currently dealing with, I am grateful to be finally addressing and working through the abuse that causes the recurring pain. It is a hard path at times, but well worth it for the positive changes I have seen in my life.

Here's a picture of my "dream" garden:



Visit Women Taking a Stand for more lists of gratitude. I hope your day is filled with gratitude and love.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Simple Woman's Daybook . . . August 17th



                          The Simple Woman's Daybook
FOR TODAY
Outside my window...it is cloudy and cooler.

I am thinking...that I have much to do to get the house back into shape. (Wasn't that essentially what I was thinking last Tuesday?)

I am thankful for...a safe trip and fun time visiting with my dd.


From the learning rooms...school has started. Much Ado about Nothing quiz today. Anatomy & Physiology, Pre-Calc, American History, English III, Bible, Physics, and band.

From the kitchen...Amish Tomato Basil Noodles and grilled chicken for dinner.

I am wearing...my knit blue striped nightgown.

I am creating...a tunic for myself.

I am going...grocery shopping this afternoon.

I am reading...The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson

I am hoping...we get some of the much needed rain they are forecasting.

I am hearing...dogs' jingling collars and my son wolfing down his breakfast before school.

Around the house...we still have bathroom supplies all over the house. My personal favorite is the toilet sitting in the living room, right next to the armchair and ottoman!


One of my favorite things...spending time talking with my "boys".

A few plans for the rest of the week...going to see my friend CCD in Twilight of the Gods this weekend at Lipscomb University. 

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...



Monday, August 16, 2010

1000 +

Several weeks ago, I was reading through some of the blogs I follow. I came across a post about blogger stats, and that got me wondering, "Does anybody read my stuff?" Let's face it, in some ways blogging is the ultimate in self promotion. That being said, I enjoy reading other people's ramblings, so why shouldn't you enjoy mine?


Anyway, back to the point. After reading about "stats" I got interested in my own "stats". I went to Blogger Dashboard and clicked on the "Stats" tab. I am now addicted! I check each day to see how many people have looked at my blog(s) each day, and what the weekly, monthly and all-time numbers are. Last week I watched with anticipation as I neared 1000 views of this blog. I thought I'd do a quick post when I hit 1000, but of course I was out of town visiting and playing with my dd when it happened, so this is my homage to you, my readers, who got me to 1000. It's kind of neat that I hit it before my one year anniversary, which is later this month. I'm not likely to go "viral" anytime soon, but it is nice to know that there are a few folks out there reading my blathering, and hopefully some of that blathering helps you in some way. It sure does help me!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Fun Project Ideas . . . Now Where's the Motivation?

It's another Feel Good Friday with The Girl Next Door Grows Up


My shopping trip to Barnes & Noble yesterday is my FGF. I went to get a book for ds to improve his Shakespeare skills, but of course I had to peruse the sales while I was there. These 2 just jumped into my hands!

The first one is actually a kit with enough supples to make 2 of this adorably ugly creatures. It was only $9.99, which is pretty good.  The second one was the real steal! Originally $24.95, I got it for a mere  $2.00! Even if I never make anything from it, it was worth it for the pretty pictures.





And now, I'm heading off to spend the weekend with dd! I hope everyone has a marvelous weekend!


PS -- Beware . . . Friday the 13th!