Monday, March 4, 2013

Approving of Myself

So it's been a rough week. A flashback that led to a hard therapy session, that led to another flashback, that led to lots of memory pain and assorted issues that stem from the abuse. 

And now it's Monday morning, and emily is exhorting me to Dare to Love Yourself. I do love myself, don't I? I just have trouble approving of myself. Not judging myself. Not criticizing myself.



I know the abuse wasn't my fault. I know it as well as I can at this point. But there is that little voice in my head that says, each time something new comes up or something old comes around again, "You're just an attention whore. You just want to be the center of the universe and have everyone's undivided attention."

I stop and have that conversation with myself, again, about why would I make up stories? What's the point to it? What's the benefit to me of being in such pain that I spend a day curled up in bed trying to ward off the memory of pain inflicted on my body 45 years ago? Why can't I just let it go and move on? 

I asked my husband how I can be who I am today -- a college graduate with a Master's degree, the mother of 2 children, a wife, a cook, a homemaker, a friend, a writer(?), an encourager -- when all those awful things happened to me, and they keep floating around in my head hindering what I want to be doing? Doesn't my ability to function negate the likelihood that all those awful things really happened? And he put it in perspective for me, again. My assumption is anyone who is functional has never suffered. He reminds me that everyone has trouble and struggles. That we are all trudging along doing the best we can with whatever baggage we carry. And it helps all of us to help each other carry those loads.

So, do I love myself? Yes, but I need to work on it. I need to learn to love me as much as I love you. And while I'm at it, I need to cut everybody a little slack for bad days.

Peace.



linking up with a love dare

4 comments:

  1. Dear Melanie
    I am also the victim of lots and lots of abuse that went on for about 30 years. I could only truly forgive and move on after I have asked my Pappa God to draw me deeper and ever deeper levels of ahis love. When I think back at those years, I can now say that it doesn't hurt anymore. God has done a miracle of forgiveness in my heart. Hope it helps a bit! Over via Emily's.
    Much love
    Mia

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh friend. i love that you have a caring husband who helps you on those bad days. and he's right. we all do have crap on our shoulders. and we all need each other. love to you hon. hope you can have a relaxing, restful evening.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know exactly how you're feeling. It wasn't until I fully understood that it was not my fault, that I got abused, that I was able to move on with my life. I still don't love myself as I love others. I am working on that as I type this, but that road is long and hard and scary. Work in progress and so it shall be for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Melanie,

    Nice to meet you. I'm hopping over from Emily's link up. Thank you for your raw honesty here. Wow, I can't imagine what you have gone through from sexual abuse in your childhood. I appreciate your being real here though, and I grab on to the truth that God loves you deeply.

    Did you know that author and Bible study maker, Beth Moore, is a survivor of sexual abuse too, and speaks powerfully of that? I learn from her.

    Jennifer Dougan
    www.jenniferdougan.com

    ReplyDelete

Please sign up as a follower to see comment replies.