Monday, April 29, 2013

Loving Yourself through the Tough Times

My family-in-law died on Saturday morning around 1:30. We knew it was coming. We'd rushed to his beside the night/morning before thinking it was the end. We'd spent the whole day and evening with him on Friday night. We came home to get some sleep while my husband's brother stayed Friday night. 

He called us around 1:30 to say "Pop" had passed. Everything's been chaotic since then.

I've tried to care for others and do all the right things. I've fed, hugged, prayed, laughed, talked, cleaned the refrigerator and freezer at his house. I've boxed and bagged, and picked out clothes. Helped plan music. Worked on his obituary, and helped pick out the casket.

I've smiled and been nice. And I haven't cried once.

Now I'm starting to get short with people. I'm tired. I need some time for myself and a break from being the go-to girl. But it's hard to let down when there's so much to be done, and so few people to handle it all. We are a small family, and my husband has worked tirelessly for weeks, days, and hours, even now trying to put together the video for the funeral.

And I'm starting to hear those voices in my head again -- you're selfish, you're self-centered. You're being ugly and rude. The fact that I'm tired and tired of helping is proof of what a terrible person I am.

The minister's lesson yesterday was (partially) on shame and guilt. I know he meant it to helpful and clarifying. Instead I found myself physically turning inward attempting to hide from everyone and everything.

So I'm working on loving myself through the tough times. I know God is with me. I know my friends are here to help. But, friends, I need you too. I need your prayers and comments to help me get through the next few days. 

I feel ashamed to ask, but that's where I am.

Will you help me love myself through this week?

linking up with a love dare


4 comments:

  1. Oh, please don't think you're a terrible person just because you need some rest. :-( Even Jesus himself had to pull away from the crowds for some time alone.

    I pray that you will be able to find, no, MAKE a measure of time and space to pull back and recuperate. Grief is tiring work. And long-term work. If you want to be able to help others for the long-haul (which I'm sure you do), you must take care of yourself now. That's not selfish. That's love.

    Be gentle with yourself. Jesus wants you receive the same grace you are showing others. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Melanie
    Thank you for sharing your load with us. It is what we are here for. Our Lord did ask us to share one another's burdens. Will keep you in my prayers.
    Blessings
    Mia

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh friend. you need some rest. we all do. part of loving ourselves is learning to have grace with ourselves. to recognize our shortness and our weaknesses and to tend to those places. to allow Jesus to tend to those places. allow yourself to grieve and to sleep and to hold your husband's hand and to just "be". okay? love to you. praying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry for you loss. Sweet, dear bloggie, you have to take care of yourself first, in order to be healthy, to take care of everyone else. I know this too well. Lean on your faith in God, and give yourself a break. Love and light to you!

    ReplyDelete

Please sign up as a follower to see comment replies.