Monday, April 22, 2013

on loving the dark places in my heart

He sees all of them. All the time. I can pretend to hide them from Him, but I'm only hiding them from myself. 

The dark places in my heart. Fear that I am not good enough. Shame at my deepest desires. Judgment of my self. Judgment of others. Lack of compassion. Envy. 

The places that bog me down when I let myself recognize their existence. That drag me farther away from Him. That make it impossible to hear His voice calling me back to Him. His voice saying, "I knew that about you already. Come back. It's okay. I'll help you. I love you in spite of yourself."

Saturday I sat on a blanket on the floor of a sanctuary I'd never entered before. I sat with my head bowed, my beads in my hands, my shawl over my lap. And I listened. I told Him I was opening my heart to Him. I told Him my deepest desires. I cried -- not long aching sobs, just simple tears sliding down my face and landing on my hands. No choking or gasping. And I don't know if they were tears of sadness, hurt, gratitude, or joy, but I don't think it matters. I cracked the shell open a little more, and let Him come in deeper. I trusted Him to not take advantage of my vulnerability.

There was no epiphany. There is no sudden change in my life. I don't know if it will happen again (I hope it will), but I do know that something shifted. I acknowledged all those dark places, and I'm still here. He didn't strike me dead. 

A man cannot be comfortable 
without his own approval.
-- Mark Twain

I'm trusting in Him to show me how to learn to approve of myself. To see who I really am. Warts and all. To love myself despite my dark places. And maybe by acknowledging those dark places, I can spread some light in them while sweeping out the dust and cobwebs. Creating more space for Him.

linking up with a love dare


5 comments:

  1. Dear Melanie
    This hits so close to home! For the first time, this week I am able to share my battle with alcoholism and the healing and freedom our Heavenly Father brought to my heart. He transformed my thoughts from seeing myself as a detestable human being as a dearly loved daughter of the King of Heaven!
    Blessings from Emily's linky.
    Mia

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  2. it is so hard to love ourselves sometimes. We need to remember who made us and ask that he let us see ourselves as he does. You shared your heart and that is beautiful.

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  3. Hi Melanie...visiting from E's linkup and so glad to meet you here. Bless you and your journey in and through it all....and beyond. The dark places...yes, this is what he wants from me too. Because you know, in the hands of our Redeemer...NOTHING is wasted.

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  4. Oh Melanie, it's like you're in my head. You've written so eloquently what I'm going through in my life. I pray that your journey gets closer and closer to your intended destination. Thanks so much for writing this!

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  5. I trusted Him to not take advantage of my vulnerability.

    Wow friend. Knowing what you've gone through, this is HUGE. I am just delighting in your journey, the way the Lord is teaching and guiding you and meeting you.

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