Musings & Meanderings

diary of 5

2012-02-01T07:28:00.000-06:00

I am seeing... rain dripping into the bird bath

I am hearing... Here I Am to Worship

I am smelling... Parisian black tea

I tasted... cornbread with butter & honey

I am feeling... blessed

link up at Diary of 5

Wordless Wednesday

2012-02-01T07:05:00.002-06:00

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Friendship

2012-01-31T08:11:00.003-06:00

We've know each other forever. Our families have been friends for ages. Our fathers work in similar fields. Her brother is the same age as my sister.

It wasn't until high school that you could say we became friends. We both auditioned for a play, and both got cast. Two of my longest lasting friendships came from that show.

She knows everything about me. I can tell her anything and she takes it in stride. She is funny, a little harsh at times, but unendingly loyal. She was my maid of honor at my wedding. She gave me a bridal shower. She and her husband were our kids appointed guardians. She has cooked for me, cleaned for me, sewn for me. She has listened to me whine, complain, cry, scream, and curse.

She still comes to my house and helps me try to organize my life. We are inveterate organizers. Granted she did throw out my husband's paint pans one year. That took a little work to get him past.

The fact of the matter is she is my sister. She is the one I call when I need to talk. She is the one I call when I need to have fun. She is the cruise director of our little bunch.

She and I started crocheting again the same year, so now we sit and crochet and talk about what it will be like when we're in "the home" and can't remember anything. We'll still have fun telling stories from years ago. We'll just think they are new!

Sometimes I think about what my life would be like without her in it. The very thought makes me sad and a little panicky. Next to my husband she is the strongest connection in my life.

She is my soul mate, my confidante, the sister I was meant to have. She is my best friend.

link up at RemembeRED

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2012-01-31T07:03:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . January 31, 2012

Outside my window . . . and back to unseasonably warm weather. Our high is expected to be in the low 60's today. Looks like another good day for a walk!

I am thinking . . . about struggles.

I am thankful . . . for a really good day yesterday. I had a long stretch from 6:30 am to 3:00 pm where I felt really positive and productive.

From the learning rooms . . . senioritis is setting in around here. I think I may have it worse than ds does.

In the kitchen . . . last night we had "brinner" -- breakfast for dinner, because I didn't realize I was supposed to marinate the chicken I had originally planned!

I am wearing . . . yoga clothes -- black pants, tank top and sweatshirt.

I am creating . . . still working on the baby blanket, but I've started a spring bag in Corntastic yarn.

I am going . . . . to have another play day with my bff. We'll do some straightening, sorting and purging, and then spend the rest of our time crocheting and talking.

I am wondering . . . about the way children grow into adults. How much control do parents really have?

I am reading . . . The Saving Graces by Patricia Gaffney

I am hoping . . . for less conflict in our home in the coming days.

I am looking forward to . . . my bff coming over today!

I am hearing . . . ds heading out to school and the dogs making their morning racket.

Around the house . . . things are shaping up. I made some progress reorganizing in the kitchen and my office area in the last week.

I am pondering . . . . perception. How can 2 people be present for the same event, and yet have such disparate recollections?

One of my favorite things . . . is orderliness. I love it when my home is neat and orderly, so why did I marry a clutterbug? lol!

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . all the usual stuff plus dh and I are helping with a marriage retreat this weekend.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

boys making pancakes

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Smash Book My Way

2012-01-30T07:01:00.001-06:00

So recently I saw this video --

Looks like fun, but I'm confused. I need to buy a special journal, pen and glue to do this?

I cleaned out my craft room on Friday with the help of my bff and dd, so as we cleaned and purged, I collected possible journals and odds and ends to use. Then my dd went through all my pens and markers, tossing the bad ones.

Friday night I sat down and started my version of the Smash Book. Wanna see?

Here's what I've done so far:

There's no rhyme or reason for the pages or the order. Nor is there any rhyme or reason to how much fun I've had doing this! It's simply ridiculously entertaining.

link up at Skip to My Lou

Bread -- {saturday poetry}

2012-01-28T08:18:00.000-06:00

BREAD

"Be gentle when you touch bread.

Let it not lie

Uncared for,

Unwanted.

So often Bread

Is taken for granted.

Beauty of patient toil,

wind and rain

have caressed it.

Christ often blessed it.

Be gentle when you touch bread."

- Freda Elton Young

Red Writing Hood -- Recurring Theme

2012-01-27T07:58:00.003-06:00

I have a recurring theme in my life: things are difficult – I work through it – I feel really well – something else comes along to knock the props out from under me – and the whole theme begins again.

I’ve been working through a flashback that led to some relationship changes. It’s been an ongoing project since the first of the year. Wednesday I realized I was feeling better, you know more like my old self and capable. Thursday I told some friends things were definitely looking up.

Last night my daughter took a turn for the worse. She has bipolar II disorder. Currently she is in school and working a part time job AND trying to go down on her meds. She hit the wall last night.

The good news is that because I was in a better place myself, I was more equipped to help her this time around. The bad news is, well obviously, that she hit the wall just as I was getting to a better place.

There is a verse in the Bible about God not giving us more than we can handle. Really, God? You have so much more faith in me than I have in myself. I have plaque in my office/craft room with a quote from Mother Teresa

I know God

won’t give me

anything I can’t handle.

I just wish He didn’t

trust me so much.

I know how she feels. I bought this plaque years ago when I was first diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. It has served me well over the years as a good reminder that I’m not the only one struggling – that most people’s lives are no bed of roses.

I found myself channeling my therapist and husband to my daughter last night. All those words of comfort and encouragement they’ve offered me over the years that at times sounded so inane, even as I clutched at them like a drowning woman. Sometimes I think it’s the holding on that is the hardest part of recovery. The believing that it WILL get better. That this life is really worth hanging onto.

I wrote earlier this week that I am a strong girl/woman. I believe this daughter of mine is as well. I just want her to believe it.

link up at Red Writing Hood

{this moment}

2012-01-27T07:14:00.002-06:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Thankful Thursday #4

2012-01-26T07:13:00.002-06:00

“We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

I read this quote on another blog this morning. It caught my breath, because it is so true.

All of us hope and dream and plan for what our futures will be like. Women are probably more into this than men. When we are little we dream of boyfriends, weddings, husbands, houses, and children.

I dreamed about a perfect life, where the family was happy all the time. I would give wonderful dinner parties and my children would excel and be happy all the time, and my husband was suave and debonair.

What I got was not perfect and happy, but it is real. And let me tell you real is so much better than make believe, IF you are willing to let go of your fairy tale.

It took a lot of work for me to release my fairy tale, and it's understandable that I held on to it for so long. I needed a fairy tale after the horror story I'd grown up in.

Over the past 11 years I've been letting go of that fairy tale mentality. It's hard work. I have fought it tooth and nail at times, but this past weekend I let go of another aspect of that fairy tale life -- a relationship that is never going to be the way I wanted it to be. It's sad and I'm foggy on the exact future, but I acknowledged reality and did what I needed to do.

What a gracious and loving God I have! He has walked with me every step of the way, loving me even when I kept getting stuck in the same place over and over again.

So today I am thankful, as always, for my Heavenly Father, and all the blessed people he has put in my path to open my eyes to the life He has waiting for me.

Blessings and peace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

Diary of 5

2012-01-25T07:06:00.001-06:00

I am seeing... a pink rose in full bloom

I am hearing... dogs settling in for the morning

I am smelling... Comfort & Joy tea

I tasted... yogurt with peaches & granola

I am feeling... content

link up at Diary of 5

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-25T06:56:00.000-06:00

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

RemembeRED -- Personification

2012-01-24T11:05:00.003-06:00

The dictionary defines personification as “the attribution of a personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman, or the representation of an abstract quality in human form.”

I am her Velveteen Rabbit, you might say. She calls me Yolie. I came into her life at a critical moment. The blending of past and present was just beginning. She was drawn to me instantly, even though she felt foolish to be so drawn at her age. She desperately needed this stuffed animal, but she didn’t understand why.

I knew why. She needed someone to tell her secrets to. She needed someone safe, who wouldn’t repeat the scary things in her head. She needed a compassionate witness.

So for the past 11 years I have listened to her; absorbed her tears, sweat and fears. I have travelled with her physically, emotionally and spiritually as she sought to reclaim her soul.

She is a strong one, this girl/woman. She has forged ahead, sometimes at a dangerous pace. She has looked horror in the face and refused to back down. She has chosen to speak instead of remaining silent.

She is still a little embarrassed and confused by my presence. She knows she would be lost without me, but she doesn’t really know why. I know though. I am the repository – the holder of that which was lost and then found. She has others who have helped her on this journey – her husband, her therapists, her friends, and others like me. But I am the keeper of the gates; the one who knows it all, whether she has said it or not.

I am not fluffy and soft anymore, but I am well loved. Sometimes I am in my natural state, and sometimes she dresses me. Right now she favors a red gingham, smocked dress. It doesn’t really matter to me. I am here for her, and that is all I need. I will be here as long as she needs me, to receive her tears, her fears, and her love – as she kisses me on the nose each morning.

link up at Write on Edge

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2012-01-24T08:57:00.001-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . January 24, 2012

Outside my window . . . sunny with clear, blue skies! It's quite lovely. Brisk 37 degrees (F).

I am thinking . . . a quote I recently saw: The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

I am thankful . . . for getting through some tough stuff this weekend.

From the learning rooms . . . ds is home with the crud. I'm going to encourage him to write a paper and do some reading today.

In the kitchen . . . catch as catch can. I came down with the crud myself yesterday, so it was every man (woman) for himself.

I am wearing . . . still in my nightie and flannel robe. Taking it easy this morning to see how the stomach is going to do.

I am creating . . . well I finished the hat, but I'm not happy with it. I started a gender neutral baby blanket, but I really want to do some little projects, like bright round coasters or these tin covers (minus the beads) from Attic 24.

I am going . . . . to finish up the laundry, change the sheets and maybe do some ironing today.

I am wondering . . . how one determines what to do in service to others.

I am reading . . . Murder in the Marais (Aimee Leduc Investigations #1) by Cara Black on my new Kindle Fire.

I am hoping . . . to get some writing done today. I have a post I'm working on, but I haven't hit my stride on it yet.

I am looking forward to . . . getting the dogs back into their normal spots. We had to rearrange a little to accommodate their stitches and recovery. Stitches were removed this morning, so I think we can return to normal.

I am hearing . . . nothing and it is quite lovely!

Around the house . . . some organizing has begun. I'm considering redoing the shelves in my "office". I seem to be inspired to do this each January.

I am pondering . . . . the length of time it takes to process and move forward with certain things. And my need to be absolutely positive that I am making the "right" decision!

One of my favorite things . . . is "The Mentalist". Is that incredibly shallow of me? Ds and I had a marathon yesterday since we were both sick. It was really lots of fun.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . yoga, therapy, Bible study, housekeeping, crochet, reading -- all the usual suspects!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

ds and gf heading out to Homecomin

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Monday Musings

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

The last couple of weeks have been harder than usual (I wonder how many times I've started a post this way?).
I had a flashback during yoga that brought some new, but not surprising information. Another attack that I pushed to the bottom of the pile. It's brought with it a lot of pain, tears, and consternation. I am tired of dealing with the abuse. I am tired of the inequity of it all. I am tired of self-doubt and self-recriminations. But so it goes.
For years I've talked and thought about boundaries. We all have to set them to protect ourselves. I struggle with how boundaries and Christianity go hand in hand. I look to find boundaries in Christ's life and work. He certainly walked away from some situations, but I am no Christ. It is much harder to trust my own judgment than to trust His. So I seek advice from trusted friends who are Christian, and I test what they tell me through prayer and deep consideration. I take comfort in the realization that they mostly tell me the same thing -- It is appropriate to protect myself from people who continually hurt me, even if it's not malicious; even if they say they love me. They can love me and still do and say really hurtful things. I have pointed this out to these people on many occasions but they seem incapable of making a change.
This weekend I made a change. I honestly told them that I need a break from them. It's just too hard trying to maintain the relationship while knowing they are maintaining a close relationship with one the abusers.
I did it by phone. I didn't cry or scream or threaten or throw accusations. I simply stated that I was having a really hard time with another flashback and knowing that they still welcome this person into their home was making it hard for me to talk with them.
I said I'd let them know when it changed -- that they could send emails if they needed to -- if something really important came up they could call my husband or daughter.
She said she loved me as we got off the phone. She never says that.
I shook for 45 minutes after the call.
I made the call on Saturday, and today I am beginning to feel better. I catch myself wondering if they are all right, and then I remind myself that isn't my problem. They are adults with all the information they need.
Today I will focus on what I really want this to mean. And I will pray, as always, for myself and all survivors to find that elusive peace in the constant struggle to understand.

Blessings.

Made by You Monday -- Variation on a Theme

2012-01-23T07:04:00.000-06:00

Last Monday after I posted about bean soup I decided to fix a pot. I didn't have the usual fixings, so I decided to wing it. This is the variation on last week's recipe, but I really liked it, so you get soup again this Monday!

2 cups dry beans, soaked overnight or quick soaked (I use a blend of 5 or 6 of my favorite beans; you can also buy bean soup mix on the bean/rice aisle in the grocery -- just throw out the seasoning packet!)
2 quarts broth (I usually use chicken or vegetable, but you could use water and bouillon cubes in a pinch!)
2 cans original Rotel
1 pkg. Little Smokies, cut into quarters (I like the all beef)

Drain beans from overnight soak. Place all ingredients in dutch oven or slow cooker. If using a dutch oven, bring soup to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and cook for at least 2 hours. Check periodically to make sure the liquid level is good. Add water or broth if needed. Check bean tenderness to make sure soup is ready.

If using a slow cooker, follow manufacturers instructions. In my 6-qt. slow cooker I usually set it on low and let it cook all day (8-5).

Garnish with cheese and serve with cornbread or muffins.

Serves 6-8 the way we eat it. You might get more or less depending on how much people like it!

for more goodness or to link up go to Made by You Mondays

Finding Peace in the Heat -- A Re-post

2012-01-21T08:36:00.000-06:00

(this is a repost from 6/2/10)

Everybody looks forward to summer. The lead up to Memorial Day weekend is awash with excitement about the coming weeks of relaxation, sun and fun. I like summer too, but unfortunately my enjoyment is tainted by memories. These are not memories I deliberately dredge up -- they just come with the warming weather, longer days and rising temperatures.Typically when the memories start to invade, I berate myself for dwelling on the past; for not being grateful for all I have and how far I've come; for not depending on God and being "all better".

The fact of the matter is, I was viciously and repeatedly molested as a child, and the vast majority of the abuse occurred in the summer. So while everyone else is excited and looking forward to the new season, my body and mind are gearing up, unconsciously, for what may happen next. Will there be more abuse? How bad will it be this time? Will he/she succeed in killing me this time? I am vulnerable all over again. I know that I won't see those people this summer. I have separated myself from all of my abusers, some by choice, some by geography and some by death (not at my hands), and yet the body remembers. It remembers the pain, the terror, the heat, the sun; leading to old habits of fear, sadness and isolation.

So how do I fight it? Sometimes well, other times not so well. This past weekend brought dreams, pain, sadness and depression. I fell into old traps of blaming myself, denigrating myself, and fearing everyone around me. I saw my therapist yesterday. She reminded me of how far I've come. She told me I was doing well. She told me to be kind to myself. And she told me to remember the good things that have happened in the summer in the years since the abuse ended.

Yesterday I went to the pool for the first time this summer. I swam laps and laid in the sun. I read a paperback novel and talked with an old friend. I had a few moments of feeling "normal", or at least what I think normal feels like. It was good.

I may do it again today.

for more posts go to Write on Edge

{this moment}

2012-01-20T07:00:00.001-06:00

for more moments visit SouleMama

The Cure

2012-01-20T07:00:00.000-06:00

“The cure for anything is salt water….sweat, tears or the sea.”

~ Isak Dinesen, pseudonym of Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke

Class is winding down. Savasana is in sight. A few final stretches and the best part of yoga class will begin. As I move into a long stretch, I notice that I am sweating. Sweat is good. It means I’m working my body. But somewhere just rising to the surface is another thought. Sweat means something bad is going to happen. Humiliation, pain, abuse.

I’m back at the farm. She is telling me I stink of sweat and fear. She wears me out, abuses me, and then ends with humiliation. As if sweating were the wrong thing somehow. She is the bringer of exertion, fear and abuse, but somehow I am the one who is wrong.

I catch myself and try to bring myself back to the present, and another memory comes. Years later, in my own home while my baby naps. He comes to the door and I let him in. Why do I let him in?

We’ve moved into savasana, but I am not relaxing. I am caught in the alternate reality of a flashback. I breathe -- cleansing breaths to push the memory out and away. I deliberately tell my muscles to relax. I remind myself that whatever it is, I’ve already survived. I will deal with it in due time.

The class is over. I sit up on my mat. People are filing out. Not me. I am stuck on my mat. The instructor comes to me.

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“Are you okay?”

“No. Bad memories.”

She lays her cool hands on mine and prays words of peace. She holds me as the tears begin to fall; until I am present again.

link up at Write on Edge

Thankful Thursday #3

2012-01-19T07:16:00.002-06:00

Today we find our intrepid blogger feeling a little less frazzled. And how thankful we are!

Struggles come and go, as does joy, but the constant is the love of God and His grace to meet us where we are.

I am still struggling with some concepts and ideas; with what to do regarding my extended family; with, as a friend put it, the mind boggling confusion brought on by my family's reactions.

Again I find myself wishing for an edict or papal bull that would clarify and authorize my actions and behavior. Perhaps God is telling me and I am just not hearing?

Here is what I do know. God is with me, so who can be against me? He has surrounded me with a host of believers who listen, care, and offer Biblical advice. They honor my feelings and fears while still offering loving support -- so very much for which to be thankful!

His grace is sufficient, if only I will let it be.

Blessings and peace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

Keep Reading!

2012-01-18T07:06:00.001-06:00

If you like this blog and others, please go to End Piracy, Not Liberty

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-18T06:49:00.000-06:00

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Diary of 5

2012-01-17T07:12:00.002-06:00

I am seeing... trees swaying against the gray sky

I am hearing... strong wind and my windchimes

I am smelling... Farmer's Market candle

I tasted... pumpkin bread

I am feeling... better

link up at Diary of 5

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2012-01-17T07:01:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . January 17, 2012

Outside my window . . . cloudy, rainy, and unseasonably warm.

I am thinking . . . about the latest flashback I had a little over a week ago. It answers some long held questions, but also requires me to rethink my position with my extended family.

I am thankful . . . for my dh. I've said it before, and I'll most likely say it many more times. He is my rock. He has helped me through so much. He is a gift from God.

From the learning rooms . . . school is back in swing. Ds had decided to take his work more seriously (his last semester of high school!), so there is more studying going on than usual.

In the kitchen . . . last night I made up a soup recipe after scavenging through the pantry and refrigerator. I'll post it later, but I was pretty happy with it. Spicy!

I am wearing . . . black yoga pants, a tank top, and long-sleeved t-shirt.

I am creating . . . still working on finishing up some projects. I have a hat and a poncho in progress, but all this showed up last week!

I am going . . . . work on a new housekeeping plan (yet again!). I'm still trying to find my groove with this.

I am wondering . . . when dh and I can get away again for some scuba diving.

I am reading . . . Murder in the Marais (Aimee Leduc Investigations #1) by Cara Black on my new Kindle Fire.

I am hoping . . . to get the grocery shopping done today, but why does it always rain when I need to shop?

I am looking forward to . . . going back to my local yarn shop this week to get some yarn wound, and visit with Emily -- my favorite yarn lady.

I am hearing . . . ds calling the dogs in from the backyard. Two of the dogs had surgery last week. They look like Franken-dogs!

Around the house . . . the dining table is finally usable again. It seems as if we haven't eaten at the table since before Christmas!

I am pondering . . . . why I can't seem to get back into a good routine for completing my Precepts Bible lessons. I kind of fell off the wagon toward the end of the autumn session. We're just getting started again, so here's hoping I'll do better!

One of my favorite things . . . is soup. I love throwing things in a pot and seeing how it turns out. The only flaw in this plan is that often I can't recreate the mixture a second time.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . yoga, therapy, Bible study, housekeeping, crochet, reading -- all the usual suspects!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

last week I bought myself a miniature rose bush.

So pretty!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Alteration of a Life

2012-01-16T09:32:00.000-06:00

The question is: Is it coming or going? Is it good or bad?

My first thought was a terrible crash. Pain and suffering. Those killed or wounded. Those left behind to pick up the pieces. The permanent alteration of a life. A life changed in an instant. We say things like that in the aftermath of disaster, whether public or personal. "She will never be the same."

But what if we turn it around and think about the good and amazing and mesmerizing. Joy and exhilaration. Those stunned and awed by what they have just seen or experienced. Those given the opportunity to share the miracle they have witnessed. The permanent alteration of a life. A life changed in an instant. Why don't we say things like that in the aftermath of amazing moments? "She will never be the same."

I have been altered by all the events of my life, I just don't recognize the good alterations as often as I recognize the evil ones. Physical abuse at age 4 -- sexual abuse at age 5 -- verbal abuse as a teenager -- a rape in college -- another rape after I was married and a mother. Awful life altering events.

But what about the good alterations. Writing a play for my 3rd grade class to perform. Being asked to sing publicly for the first time at 14. Playing leading roles in high school plays. College theater and opera. Meeting my husband. Having friends who have been with me a lifetime. Giving birth to 2 healthy children and watching them grow to adulthood. Opportunities to serve others, and write, and talk, and share. Amazing life altering events.

So what do you see? Good or bad?

see more and link up at Write on Edge A Surprise Prompt

Made by You Monday -- Melanie's Bean Soup

2012-01-16T08:44:00.001-06:00

This is my favorite winter soup recipe. I created years it ago when I first got married. My mother never made homemade soup, so I grew up on Campbell's Condensed soups. Learning to make homemade soups was a revelation to me. It's not even difficult, so why does everyone use pre-prepared soup (confession: I do keep Progresso soups in the pantry for quick lunches).

So here's the recipe. Enjoy!

2 cups dry beans, soaked overnight or quick soaked (I use a blend of 5 or 6 of my favorite beans; you can also buy bean soup mix on the bean/rice aisle in the grocery -- just throw out the seasoning packet!)
2 quarts broth (I usually use chicken or vegetable, but you could use water and bouillon cubes in a pinch!)
1 15-oz. can diced tomatoes
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon salt
pepper to taste
2 Tablespoons dried onion OR 1/3 cup chopped onion sauteed in a little oil or butter
8-10 oz. ham, chopped or shredded (this can be leftovers, canned ham or deli ham)

Drain beans from overnight soak. Place all ingredients in dutch oven or slow cooker. If using a dutch oven, bring soup to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and cook for at least 2 hours. Check periodically to make sure the liquid level is good. Add water or broth if needed. Check bean tenderness to make sure soup is ready.

If using a slow cooker, follow manufacturers instructions. In my 6-qt. slow cooker I usually set it on low and let it cook all day (8-5).

Garnish with cheese and serve with cornbread or muffins.

Serves 6-8 the way we eat it. You might get more or less depending on how much people like it!

for more goodness or to link up go to Made by You Mondays

Heart Knowledge - a repost

2012-01-14T08:57:00.000-06:00

(this was originally posted on 7/27/10)

July has been an intense month. I have been working through my childhood abuse for years. I've been told repeatedly (ad nauseum) the abuse was not my fault. No child is ever responsible for sexual abuse. I know this in my head. I forget it and have to remind myself, thus making me feel stupid and selfish.

For the past several weeks, I have been focusing on a rape that took place when I was 5 years old. It's been gut wrenching, and has brought on depression, sadness, lethargy, pain, and questioning my value. Today was the first day in a long while that I've seen some hope at the end of the tunnel.

I realize that he didn't rape me because I reminded him by asking what he wanted to show me. He had a plan from the beginning, and I had no power to change the outcome. She is just as bad. Doing nothing, when she knew full well what the plan was, may make her even more culpable.

One of the worst things people have said to me over the years is, "He/she must have been abused to have done that to you." I don't care what happened to the offenders. This is about me -- the child, the victim, the innocent. While I recognize in the big picture of life, offenders have their own set of traumas to deal with, that is not my concern now, and will most likely never be my focus. All of us have free will and we all have the same choices between good and evil. Circumstances are different -- socio-economic standing; family; support systems -- they are all factors. Ultimately a decision has to be made to continue the abuse; to continue to see people as objects; to continue to put others in harm's way. I chose to stop the pattern of abuse by not harming another.

So now I will continue to focus on healing, and hoping that my healing will help others address their own traumas. I can't make the abuse not have happened. All I can do is try to make something good come out of it.

Saturday Poetry -- An Assignment

2012-01-14T08:46:00.000-06:00

My daughter received this writing assignment in class this week.

Write words or phrases that come to mind for each line:

::Line One - Items found inside whatever you called home when you were a child

::Line Two - Items found in your yard (if you had one)

::Line Three - Items found in your neighborhood

:: Line Four - Names of relatives, especially one that link you to your past

::Line Five - Sayings

::Line Six - Names of goods and dishes that recall family gatherings

::Line Seven - Names of places you kept your memories

It's an interesting task. Below are my daughter's and mine. Try it yourself and link back up in the comments.

******

I am from old china dolls, books galore, and yellow legal pads spread throughout the house

I am from flowers run wild, old dog toys, and trees that reach the sky

I am from the little church playground with the winding creek

I am from Aunt Wanda, Linda, and Nana and Pa

I am from "I will always love you, no matter what" and "We'll get through this if we stick together"

I am from green bean casserole, Nana rolls, mincemeat pie, and oven-fried chicken

I am from countless journals that I always lost

I am from love and struggles and a family that made me strong

******

I am from books in every room, dinner guests, and sermons

I am from white dogwoods, sweet honeysuckle, pink mimosas, and morning glories climbing up the fence

I am from houses in rows along the busy street, the health food store and the corner market

I am from Auntie and Uncle Horace, and Nur and Dee, and college students revolving through the house

I am from “Daddy needs quiet” and “What will they think of you?”

I am from pink rose china, silver spoons, fresh baked bread, and shortbread cookies

I am from boxes of trinkets, a wooden purse, and Dahlia

I am from love, and lies, and denials, and pain

Where are you from?

{this moment}

2012-01-13T13:57:00.001-06:00

for more moments visit SouleMama

Red Writing Hood -- Flavor

2012-01-13T08:15:00.001-06:00

flavor |ˈflāvər|
noun
1 the distinctive quality of a particular food or drink as perceived by the taste buds and the sense of smell.

Memory is triggered by so many things -- sound, sight, smell, and flavor. How many of our memories are enhanced by flavor? My husband always photographs our meals on vacation, and it is remarkable how quickly the memories come back as we relive the food we consumed.

My childhood is alive with flavors. I grew up in the south where food ranks only second to religion. Sundays were defined by flannel boards in Sunday school; my daddy preaching from the pulpit; hymns, and maybe a baptism. But the highlight of the day was food. Were we eating at home? Was there a church covered dish dinner? Were we eating at a church member's home? Or maybe with my grandparents?

The flavors of my childhood are replete with fried chicken, biscuits, buttered corn, and green beans cooked with fatback until they are falling apart amid the swirls of fat. The salty crunch of the fried chicken leg as I bit into. The memory of it can still send me into paroxysms of ecstasy. Fluffy, lard based biscuits slathered with butter and homemade preserves. I could eat my weight in my great grandmother's biscuits.

On my mother's side of the family, it was always thin sliced ham that my great aunt had prepared. And Nana rolls. Tiny little yeast rolls ladened with butter. I think one holiday I ate 18 in one sitting!

Covered dish dinners were a pantheon of options! More fried chicken to be sure, but barbecue and macaroni and cheese (which is a vegetable in the south, thank you very much) as well. Desserts that would make your jaw hurt just to look at them. Chess pie! My favorite. The way the sugar and butter have blended together and been layered into that flaky, light pastry. It was a thing a of beauty as it dissolved into my mouth with hints of every flavor available on my tongue for just a moment before it slid down my throat leaving my mouth begging for more.

It's funny now, but we never went out to eat back then. I know some of it was money, but I think it was more about people and food. The two went hand in hand. I have often heard it said that sharing a meal is the most intimate of experiences. I think of the film Babette's Feast, and the scene in Chocolat where they all gather for Armande's birthday dinner. I think of Christ's last supper with His disciples and the memorial of communion we observe today.

I had a therapist tell me once that he had clients who could only talk to him if they all ate together. What is it about eating and food and flavor that ties us together?

What I wouldn't give to taste a Nana roll again.

link up at Write on Edge

Thankful Thursday #2

2012-01-12T07:42:00.000-06:00

I'll admit it. It's been a rough few days. It started Saturday during a yoga class. I have memories that I prefer to not think about. Really bad memories. At the end of yoga on Saturday, as my mind and body relaxed, I began to think about/remember some things. When yoga class ended I couldn't move from my mat. As the room cleared out, the instructor noticed me and came to see if I was all right. I told her I wasn't. She laid her cool hands on mine and prayed a prayer of peace over me as I sat and cried. Then she hugged me tightly until I could get some measure of control.

The rest of Saturday and Sunday are a blur. I spent a lot of time in bed and a lot of time stuck in my own head.

Tuesday I posted a prayer request on Facebook and received many loving comments and offers of prayers. I also received a message from a lady who lives overseas. We really only knew each other vaguely before Facebook, but have exchanged comments over the past few years. She offered me support, one survivor to another. She understands. From far away on another continent, I have found someone to whom I don't have to explain every jot and tittle of emotion.

Yesterday I talked with my therapist about this most recent memory. It was a difficult conversation. I was drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I came home and crawled back into bed and slept, this time with no dreams. I talked with my husband and cried some more. I pulled myself together and went to a marriage ministry meeting, and then spent the rest of the evening curled up on the sofa with my sweet hubby.

It's been a long road, this transition from victim to survivor. Not at all what I would have imagined in the before. What I've learned is this -- I can't make the abuse not have happened, BUT God has provided every step of the way. A wonderful husband who has stood by my side through all of it with unwavering love for me and God. Good therapists with my best as their only concern. Friends who continue to love and validate me. And the most amazing part, to me, people I would never have known who have helped in immeasurable ways. He has given me the strength and resolve to be open and public about my struggles, and I have received so much healing from that!

So this Thankful Thursday finds me sad and in pain, but so amazingly grateful for the gifts of God, that I had to share.

Peace and blessings.

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

Wordless Wednesday #41

2012-01-11T06:56:00.000-06:00

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Diary of 5

2012-01-10T07:35:00.000-06:00

I am seeing... squirrels and cardinals at my feeder

I am hearing... quiet

I am smelling... Comfort and Joy tea (remains)

I tasted...banana yogurt for breakfast

I am feeling... down

link up at Diary of 5

The Simple Woman's Daybook #2

2012-01-10T06:56:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . January 10, 2012

Outside my window . . . the sun is just rising. The sky is streaked with pink in the east. Weather.com says it's mostly cloudy and 41 degrees, but here at my house I'm seeing clear skies as the morning dawns. Perhaps that is a good omen!

I am thinking . . . about getting my brain back into focus. Between the holidays and some difficult abuse issues, I'm just not as focused as I'd like/need to be.

I am thankful . . . for a loving dh, good friends, caring children.

From the learning rooms . . . ds has started trigonometry and likes it much better than college algebra. Dd started classes yesterday.

In the kitchen . . . last night was Mexican Shepherd's Pie. Tonight I think we will be having a new recipe called Creamy Sausage and Tomato Pasta. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am wearing . . . yoga pants, my Cozumel t-shirt, and an Old Navy sweatshirt.

I am creating . . . not much right now. I'm having trouble concentrating, but I've ordered some yarn. I'm hoping for motivation from the new colors!

I am going . . . . to Restorative Yoga and then grocery shopping.

I am wondering . . . about the nature of evil.

I am reading . . . When God Was a Woman by Merlin Stone. I can't remember where I heard about this one, but it looks like an interesting read.

I am hoping . . . to feel less anxiety today. Saturday at the end of my yoga class, I got upset about some abuse issues, and I am having trouble getting centered and focused again.

I am looking forward to . . . our annual Christmas party this Saturday night. Since high school this same bunch of people have been getting together. We meet after the holidays now because one of our group works out of town through the holidays. It's always lots of fun with lots of yummy food.

I am hearing . . . doggie toenails clicking on the floor, and keys clicking on my computer.

Around the house . . . all the Christmas decor is stored for next year. Now I need to do some winter decorating.

I am pondering . . . . memory and how it works. Generally when I begin to remember episodes from my past I am overcome with frustration at not being able to remember every specific detail. I fear inaccuracy almost more than the memories themselves.

One of my favorite things . . . monkeys. I collect monkeys, preferably stuffed toys. For Christmas I got a Monchichi doll.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . yoga, grocery shopping, a little baking, and the party on Saturday.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

Dh snapped this the other day out our front window

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Mexican Shepherd's Pie

2012-01-08T21:10:00.001-06:00

I love Shepherds' Pie! I especially love the vegetarian recipe I have, Lentil Shepherds' Pie. Recently I saw a cooking segment that featured Mexican Shepherds' Pie and was intrigued, so I went looking for the recipe. I had intended to make it for Super Bowl dinner, but we filled up on chips and dip, so the MSP didn't get baked until Monday. What a success! We will undoubtedly being adding this to the rotational repertoire for winter meals.

Unfortunately I have no pictures as the casserole was devoured almost instantaneously, but here is the tweaked recipe.

****

2 Tablespoons olive oil
2 lbs. ground turkey
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
salt and pepper to taste
1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes
1 (1.25 ounce) package taco seasoning mix (or your favorite taco spices)
2/3 cup hot water
1 (11 ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained
2 (8.5 ounce) package Jiffy corn muffin mix (or your own recipe)
2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
1 (2.25 ounce) can sliced black olives (optional)

Heat olive oil over medium heat in a large skillet. Break off chunks of ground turkey and place in skillet when oil is hot. Add onions and garlic. Allow turkey to brown, only breaking it up as it begins to brown.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grease a 9x13 casserole.

Once turkey is browned, sprinkle on taco mix and stir. Add tomatoes, water and corn (frozen corn may be used instead of canned). Bring to a boil and allow to cook until thickened (at least 5 minutes). Transfer contents to casserole and top with 1 cup cheese and black olives (if using).

Mix cornbread according to package directions and spread over meat mixture. Top with remaining cheese and bake 15-20 minutes, or until puffed and golden.

Serves 8 they said we only got 7!

image from recipebridge.com

Happy eating!

link up at Skip to My Lou

Saturday Poetry -- January Morn

2012-01-07T09:14:00.001-06:00

image courtesy of Winter Trees

"Bare branches of each tree

on this chilly January morn
look so cold so forlorn.
Gray skies dip ever so low
left from yesterday's dusting of snow.
Yet in the heart of each tree
waiting for each who wait to see
new life as warm sun and breeze will blow,
like magic, unlock springs sap to flow,
buds, new leaves, then blooms will grow."

- Nelda Hartmann

{this moment}

2012-01-06T06:49:00.002-06:00

for more moments visit SouleMama

Red Writing Hood -- Epitaph

2012-01-06T06:42:00.001-06:00

Polly Agnes Lawrence Dodd

1898-1974

Beloved wife of Horace

While we had no children of our own,

I pray that I helped usher many nieces

and nephews through happy and sad times.

I smiled through much sadness.

An empty womb, while my sister gave

birth to seven children who all lived

long lives.

I never saw her unhappy or angry. She was a sea of calmness in my topsy-turvy world. Few things soothed the way Aunt Agnes’s hands did. (We called her “Auntie" - ainty). Her hands were cool in summer and warm in winter, and felt like silk as she cupped my cheek in her palm. She knew and understood sadness, heartache and pain. She was quietly joyful.

Oh to have to have talked with her as an adult! To have been able to converse fluidly, with reason and understanding. She was taken too early from me, but I learned so much from her.

:: to show kindness to all

:: that gentleness is not weakness

:: that there is beauty in the ordinary

:: that love takes many forms, and every opportunity must be seized to the fullest

She was/is my inspiration. To love as Auntie loved me – that is my hope.

link up at red writing hood

Thankful Thursday 2012 -- #1

2012-01-05T07:59:00.000-06:00

:: a house full of groceries

:: a dishwasher full of clean dishes

:: time to think and process

:: the lovely ladies in my Precepts group

:: opportunities

:: yarn

:: books

:: blogs that peak my curiosity & challenge me to think

:: quiet

What are you thankful for today?

ADDENDUM: extra helpings of gratitude to the Precepts ladies for open, honest, humble conversation today. You are blessings beyond measure to me!

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

Wordless Wednesday #40 -- Well, Sort Of. . .

2012-01-04T07:00:00.000-06:00

image from http://gekkeiju.deviantart.com/art/Iguana-Shaman-160178439

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Diary of 5

2012-01-03T10:43:00.000-06:00

I am seeing...a cup of hot tea

I am hearing...ds listening to videos

I am smelling...Moist Oatmeal Muffins

I tasted...a ripe banana this morning

I am feeling... happy

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2012-01-03T07:00:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . January 3, 2012

Outside my window . . . it is cold! We are in the mid-20's with some wind. Yesterday we had 20-30 mph winds from the north! BRRRR! At least the sun is shining which makes everything better.

I am thinking . . . about what a good holiday season we have had. Many blessings, few problems, and overall less stress.

I am thankful . . . that we all made it through the holidays with no serious illnesses or injuries. Dd has had a cold. Ds hurt is knee during wrestling (not seriously). Dh has the sniffles. And I apparently brought a case of cellulitis back from Cozumel with me. But we all seem to be on the mend.

From the learning rooms . . . this is the last day before classes start again for ds. Dd doesn't go back until the 9th. I am secretly looking forward to getting everyone back to their designated locations!

In the kitchen . . . we've had ham and cheese soup, white beans and ham, chili, pasta with veggies and chicken sausage. Are you sensing a theme here?

I am wearing . . . nothing at all. Not really! I just thought I see if you were paying attention. LOL!

I am creating . . . too many projects right now. I need to get settled on one to finish. I've got a poncho, a hat, an afghan, a lacy shawl, and a bag all in process right now. Not to mention the ever present quilt. Which to focus on?

I am going . . . . to the grocery this afternoon for the first trip of the new year. Dh and I have revamped our budget, so this could be interesting.

I am wondering . . . what this year will bring. My hope is that it will bring more peace, more compassion, more joy and more love.

I am reading . . . Oh. My. Gods. by Tera Lynn Childs. I'm not wild about the title, but the premise seems pretty cute. "A modern girl's comedic odyssey in a school filled with the descendants of Greek gods."

I am hoping . . . to find more time for writing this year. That idea of a book is sounding less and less ridiculous to me.

I am looking forward to . . . getting back to our version of normalcy. I don't have a rigid routine, but I do like some routine.

I am hearing . . . the windchime as it is blown about by the winds this morning.

Around the house . . . boxes of Christmas decor are waiting to be put away. I'll be happy to have the house back to normal chaos rather than festive chaos.

I am pondering . . . . the shifting relationships of life. I recently reconnected with an aunt from whom I had been somewhat estranged. I was reminded once again that what I think someone else is feeling or thinking is not necessarily an accurate test. I was also reminded that people can change their perspectives.

One of my favorite things . . . is my new Kindle Fire. I have resisted the e-readers until now. I really like the versatility of the Fire and the fact that I can now "borrow" books from Amazon and my local library. I'm just not keen on the idea of paying for a virtual book.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . back to school, back to Bible study (still on Daniel), back to regular workouts at the Y.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

Dh bought me flowers after he took me to the doctor!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Pecan Roasted Pork

2012-01-02T07:00:00.000-06:00

Now that the holidays are officially behind me, it's time for something different in the kitchen. I love pork tenderloin. It's tasty and cooks up quickly or slowly -- whichever you need. This one's pretty quick and looks as if you spent hours slaving over it. Serve it with some steamed broccoli and potatoes, and you'll have a lovely meal.

1/2 cup pecan pieces
1 Tablespoon brown sugar
1/2 cup French-fried onion rings
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon coarse ground pepper
cooking spray (I use Pam Organic Canola Oil)
2 lb. pork tenderloin
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray. Place pecans, onions and sugar in food processor; process until coarsely chopped. Place mix on a plate.
Season pork with salt and pepper; roll in pecan mixture until well-coated. Place 1 inch apart on baking sheet. (I sprinkle on the remaining crumbs from the the plate at this point.) Coat top of tenderloins with cooking spray. Bake 25-30 minutes or until internal temperature reaches 160 degrees.
Let pork stand 5 minutes; cut into 1" thick slices.

link up to Made by You Monday at Skip to My Lou

Happy 2012

2012-01-01T00:01:00.000-06:00

image from Graphics Fairy

Goodbye, 2011

2011-12-30T21:53:00.002-06:00

Saturday is usually poetry day, and I'll admit I tried to find something appropriate. There's Burns or Tennyson or William Cullen Bryant. But none of them spoke to me.

I am no poet, and yet I find myself wanting to say something meaningful at the end of this year. Something that will strike a chord with my readers and me. I just don't know what that would be.

My dh always writes an end/beginning of the year post, and from where I sit, I can never compete. There is such depth and remembrance!

I write because of a need I have. I have been blessed this year that so many of you have read my words, and a few of you have commented. The writing fills a void for me, but it also allows me to tell my history in a public way. I have often commented on the benefit of public disclosure regarding abuse. I have found no greater outlet than here on this blog. The fact that you take the time to read and comment still astounds me. So once more a huge thank you to all of you who read, with a special thanks to those who comment!

I have found new and old outlets this year. Returning to crocheting has been a boon for my spirit, soul and self esteem. I enjoy the process -- something I have a very hard time doing as a rule. I think I am getting pretty good at it. I've sold a few things and love the things I've kept. Perhaps the greatest blessing from crocheting was in the form of a note my dh gave me for Christmas. He went to my local yarn shop to get me some goodies and had a conversation with my favorite worker there.

"Oh, you're Melanie's husband. I just love her.

She has such a great attitude and she just never

seems to get flustered.

She finds projects to take on and if she can't

figure it out, she doesn't get frustrated

or give up, she just comes in and asks

for help, and her work is just beautiful.

She is just a wonderful

person to be around."

I cried when I read this. I didn't get a lot of encouragement growing up. I was often told that I thought too highly of myself. My natural assumption is that I am an annoyance to people -- that they put up with me to provide something, like food, or out of a sense of duty. To have words like these spoken about me by someone who gained nothing by saying them was simply amazing to me. (I hope I am not out of line in sharing this. I find myself wondering if this will be misinterpreted. I hope not!) So to my dh for sharing and Emily for saying these things, a huge thank you.

My prayer for your new year is that it will be filled with real love, real friends and real experiences. That the troubles you face will be manageable and that you will find support from God, family and friends. That your joys will be many, and you will recognize and appreciate them. And that you will find purpose in what you do and realize your value and the gifts we all bring to this world.

Blessings.

{this moment}

2011-12-30T09:26:00.000-06:00

Reading List for 2011

2011-12-30T09:21:00.000-06:00

Let me start by saying, 2011 will not go down in history as one of my better reading years. I don't know what it was. My selection wasn't broad enough. My concentration was way off. I started A LOT of books that I never finished, some because they were just not good, while others I just couldn't stay interested in. And I started crocheting again. It's really not possible (for me) to crochet and read simultaneously. So anyway, for good or ill, here's my list. (Titles marked with * are books I did not complete).

The Supernaturalist by Eoin Colfer

The Girl Who Stopped Swimming

by Joshilyn Jackson

Privileged Information by Stephen White

In the Bleak Midwinter by Julia Spencer-Fleming

My Name Is Memory by Ann Brashares*

New York Dead by Stuart Woods

A Fountain Filled with Blood

by Julia Spencer-Fleming

Private Practices by Stephen White

Out of the Deep I Cry by Julia Spencer-Fleming

A Dark-Adapted Eye by Barbara Vine

(Ruth Rendell)

All Mortal Flesh by Julia Spencer-Fleming

Harm's Way by Stephen White

I, Coriander by Sally Gardner

Remote Control by Stephen White

Denial: A Memoir of Terror by Jessica Stern

I Shall Not Want by Julia Spencer-Fleming

dingley falls by Michael Malone*

Cloud Tea Monkeys by Mal Peet

Still Life by Louise Penny

Manner of Death by Stephen White

The School of Essential Ingredients

by Erica Bauermeister*

Wicked by Gregory Maguire*

(not because it's not good,

but I'd already read it)

On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

by Stephen King*

(because I'm savoring it!)

The Whole Five Feet by Christopher R. Beha*

(I got side tracked from this one. Hoping

to get back to it soon)

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

My Name Is Mary Sutter by Robin Oliveira

(currently reading on my new Kindle Fire)

Favorite Fiction: Still Life

Favorite Non-Fiction: Denial

Favorite Children's: Cloud Tea Monkeys

So how was your reading year? Did you find something wonderful (share please!)? Did you find something horrible (please, please share!)? And what about The Hunger Games? Inquiring minds want to know.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-28T17:43:00.000-06:00

It is the Thursday after Christmas and there is much for which to be thankful!

:: good time spent with lots of family

:: reconnecting with an aunt I had been somewhat estranged from for several years

:: the safety of all my family members (even though ds got a ticket for speeding yesterday! Thankfully no one was hurt)

:: a worship service on Christmas day that included worship, laughter, love and Christmas carols

:: time with my children and husband to just be -- enjoying fun things and conversations

:: lunch and conversation with my two besties yesterday

My hope for all of you is that you, too, have had a thankful holiday season thus far, and that we will all increase our thankfulness in the coming year.

Blessings

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday #39

2011-12-28T07:00:00.000-06:00

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

Things I Love (about the holidays this year)

2011-12-27T08:57:00.001-06:00

Things I Love (about the holidays this year)

(inspired by SouleMama)

:: a trip to Cozumel to start things off

:: kids playing board games

:: dh taking the time to go to my favorite yarn store to buy crochet hooks for me, and then typing up the nice things the owner said about me

:: pillows and hedgehog that make appearances every year

:: pies!

:: pretty, food-ladened tables

:: new books to read

:: fun little gifts given and received

:: real talks with my kids and husband

(comment and share if you feel inspired!)

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2011-12-27T07:26:00.001-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . December 27, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is gray and cloudy. It makes me think of the James Taylor song -- Another Grey Morning.

I am thinking . . . about the onset of winter. In our neck of the woods, real winter doesn't start, usually, until January. Unfortunately that means lots of grey days. On the other hand it also means lots of tea and homemade soups and stews.

I am thankful . . . for a pleasant Christmas spent with family. Everyone is healthy and safe, so there is nothing more to wish for.

From the learning rooms . . . Christmas Break!

In the kitchen . . . a return to normalcy. Holiday foods are nice -- once a year, but now my body is craving vegetables, soups, stews, and good hearty bread.

I am wearing . . . black yoga pants and my run for TFS long sleeved t-shirt.

I am creating . . . I got 2 new crochet hooks. A rosewood and a birch. They are both lovely. The birch has carving on the end, but it seems to be impacting the balance when I try to work with it.

I am going . . . . to continue eating healthy foods and getting regular exercise. I find that I feel so much better when I put an emphasis on these things.

I am wondering . . . about writing. I want to learn more about the process. I have a story to tell, but I can't decide if I should try and adapt it to fiction.

I am reading . . . My Name is Mary Sutter by Robin Oliveira

I am hoping . . . to do yoga. Then home for laundry, a grocery/menu list, and then I'm meeting my aunt for lunch.

I am looking forward to . . . getting back to crocheting and beading and this year I am determined to finish my quilt!

I am hearing . . . humming electronics, Yaya whining to be let out, and ds getting ready for wrestling practice.

Around the house . . . the de-Christmasing needs to start soon. It's a mixed bag. I'll be happy to have my house back to normal, but I don't enjoy the process of taking it down and packing it all away for next year.

I am pondering . . . . the essence of "family". Why do we put so much emphasis on blood relations? Is that just an "accident" of birth, or is there a greater meaning to be discerned from it all?

One of my favorite things . . . is spending time with my dh. He's had several days off and it was lovely just having him around the house. Last night we went out to see Hugo. It was quite lovely in a melancholy, slow sort of way.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . returning to normalcy. I like normalcy. I may have mentioned that once or twice before. LOL.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

my father-in-law enjoying the grandkids!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Cranberry Orange Bread

2011-12-26T10:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure why, but it's just not Christmas if I don't get cranberry orange bread! This recipe is from http://allrecipes.com and I LOVE it!

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/2 cup orange juice
Grated peel of 1 orange
2 tablespoons melted butter or margarine
2 tablespoons hot water
1 cup fresh or frozen cranberries
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts

Directions:
In a large mixing bowl, combine dry ingredients. In another bowl, beat egg. Add orange juice, peel, butter and hot water. Add to flour mixture, stirring just until moistened. Gently fold in cranberries and walnuts. Spoon into greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pan. Bake at 325 degrees F for 60 minutes or until toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack.

link up to Made by You Monday at Skip to My Lou

Merry Christmas Eve (Saturday Poetry. . . sort of)

2011-12-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

*****

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/

{this moment}

2011-12-23T06:57:00.000-06:00

for more moments visit SouleMama

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-22T09:25:00.000-06:00

It is the Thursday before Christmas. I feel as if I should have something deeply profound to write and share. I don't.

It seems redundant to speak of my gratitude for the gift of God's Son. I am not limited to that gratitude at only this season. In truth, I was raised in one of those households that strove to keep Christ out of the season, because-no-one-knows-the-actual-date-of-His-birth-and-maybe-God-wanted-it-that-way-so-we-wouldn't-get-caught-up-in-celebrating-one-specific-day.

I get tired of the posturing that takes place at Christmas. Tired of the people who are offended by X-mas and reindeer.

So maybe this doesn't sound like a Thankful Thursday post, but I am thankful for

-- any opportunity the whole world takes to focus on peace and love and goodwill toward all.

-- time spent with people I truly love and who truly love me, warts and all.

-- beautiful music, whether sacred or secular, that lifts my spirit and makes me smile with pure joy.

-- pretty lights (not gaudy displays) and delicious foods made (hopefully) with love and just for the joy of it.

So here's my gift for you all this Thankful Thursday before Christmas. Merry Christmas!

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday #38

2011-12-21T07:00:00.000-06:00

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2011-12-20T07:34:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . December 20, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is gray and cloudy. We are supposed to be in the 60's today with rain. Merry Christmas?

I am thinking . . . that Christmas is upon us, and I'm not done shopping!

I am thankful . . . for my wonderful week in Cozumel last week. It was so incredibly beautiful, fun and relaxing.

From the learning rooms . . . Christmas Break!

In the kitchen . . . Cranberry Orange Bread, Pumpkin Bread and Pomegranate White Chocolate Chip Cookies. YUM!

I am wearing . . . black yoga pants and my run for Mercy t-shirt.

I am creating . . . nothing specific right now, as all projects are on hold until I get finished with Christmas baking, wrapping, buying, etc.

I am going . . . . to yoga, shopping and then lunch with my dd.

I am wondering . . . about child rearing. I know I did some things right, but looking back, I see so much I could have done better!

I am reading . . . On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness: Adventure Peril, Lost Jewels, and the Fearsome Toothy Cows of Skree (The Wingfeather Saga) by Andrew Peterson. After finishing Life of Pi I needed something lighter!

I am hoping . . . to finish my shopping today, so I can stay home the rest of the week, cleaning, wrapping and baking.

I am looking forward to . . . spending time with family over the weekend. We aren't traveling, so it should be fairly easy and calm.

I am hearing . . . nothing but the hum of electronics, and the occasional comment from dd.

Around the house . . . things are still a bit messy from our trip and Christmas preparations, but I think we'll have most things ship shape by the weekend.

I am pondering . . . . either not very much or too much to post here. I'm not sure which!

One of my favorite things . . . is tea. I've said it before and I'll say it again. This season I've been enjoying Comfort and Joy tea from The Republic of Tea.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . finish the shopping; more baking; lots of package wrapping; and lots of fun!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

New scuba diving friends!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Christmas Eve Shortcut Cinnamon Buns

2011-12-19T08:05:00.000-06:00

These have become a Christmas tradition for us over the past few years. Quick and easy to put together and yummy to munch on while playing with our gifts on Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve Shortcut Cinnamon Buns

Makes 20 buns

These are made the night before and popped in the oven Christmas morning when the kids are attacking their stockings!

20 unbaked frozen dinner rolls (Bridgeport is a brand I have used)
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup instant vanilla pudding mix
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/3 cup butter, melted

Lightly grease a 10 inch bundt cake pan. Place frozen rolls into the pan and sprinkle with brown sugar, the pudding mix, and cinnamon. Pour melted butter over the top. If you don’t have a bundt pan, you can use a muffin tin, but they turn out better in a bundt pan.

Cover with a clean, damp cloth and leave overnight at room temperature to rise.

In the morning, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Bake rolls for 25 minutes, until golden brown.
Turn rolls out onto a serving plate and dig in!

(For more recipes please visit FlyLady’s Kitchen)

link up to Made by You Monday at Skip to My Lou

Saturday Poetry -- Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

2011-12-17T08:01:00.003-06:00

When I was a young child, the college my father taught at always hosted a Christmas party for the faculty and staff. There were cookies and punch and Christmas cartoons shown on a movie screen. Then everyone would gather to sing Christmas carols. The last song was always "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" at the end Santa Claus would appear and hand out gifts to all the children in the group. This is one of the happiest memories from my childhood. The gifts were nothing amazing: a bank, a music box, a puzzle, but the experience was just marvelous. Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh! You better watch out,

You better not cry,

You better not pout,

I'm telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list,

He's checking it twice,

He's gonna find out

who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're sleeping,

He knows when you're awake.

He knows when you've been bad or good,

So be good for goodness sake!

So...You better watch out,

You better not cry

You better not pout,

I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Little tin horns,

Little toy drums.

Rudy-toot-toot

and rummy tum tums.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Little toy dolls

that cuddle and coo,

Elephants, boats

and Kiddie cars too.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

The kids in Girl and Boy Land

will have a jubilee.

They're gonna build a toyland town

all around the Christmas tree.

Oh....You better watch out,

You better not cry.

You better not pout,

I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is comin'

To town.

Frank Sinatra and Cindy Lauper

{this moment}

2011-12-16T07:02:00.001-06:00

for more moments visit SouleMama

Red Writing Hood -- 3, 2, 1

2011-12-16T06:50:00.001-06:00

Three, two, one. No! I can’t do this!?! They’re waiting for me. Everyone is waiting for me to take that first step. I have to do it. I can’t do it!

It’s just one step. One GIANT step. That’s even what they call it. Walk up to the edge of the pool, and let your fins hang over the edge of the pool. Look straight ahead at the horizon. Place your hand over your mask and regulator. And take one giant step. Into mid-air. Knowing you are going to fall.

I can barely swim. I know intellectually that I have all the necessary equipment – the BCD, the tank, the regulator, the mask, the fins. It’s only 12 feet deep, and my husband and instructor are waiting in the water for me. Just look straight ahead and take a step. Unfortunately all I can think about is all those old movies with scenes of people being forced to walk the plank!

I’ve flipped into the ocean backwards for God’s sake! How hard can this be? It’s like so many things in my life – a giant step of faith. Trusting in the unknown. Trusting in myself – that I’ve done the work, that I’m prepared, that I am capable. Other people believe in me. Why is it so hard to believe in myself?

I look into the pool and see two men that I know I can trust. Two men who believe in me. I look out toward the horizon. I close my eyes. Three, two, one – giant step.

read more or link up at Red Writing Hood

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-14T18:04:00.000-06:00

This Thankful Thursday comes to you from Cozumel, Mexico. We (dh & I) are on the last full day of our vacation, and it has been lovely. When we left home on Saturday we were concerned about the potential for bad weather while we were down here. Lots of rain was predicted. So far we've only had rain once, and that was on Sunday night. Every day has been beautiful with a mix of sun and clouds, and temperatures in the 70s and 80s.

I completed my scuba diving certification and went out yesterday on my first 2 dives as a full fledged scuba diver! I am very proud of myself for overcoming fear and trepidation, and taking the plunge (pun intended!) so that dh and I could enjoy this activity together.

I am frequently in awe of the beautiful world God has provided for us on this earth, but I have rarely had the opportunity to see God's underwater creations. Generally only in aquariums, but now I have seen God's aquarium! It is spectacular!

I hope I will have many more opportunities to visit in His aquarium in the future. For now I am just thankful for this experience.

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday #37

2011-12-14T13:24:00.001-06:00

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

RemembeRED -- Cleaning House

2011-12-13T07:03:00.000-06:00

I’ve been cleaning house for years it seems like. I was diagnosed over 10 years ago with chronic post traumatic stress disorder. My diagnosis stems from years of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse plus a rape in college. I put it all away and thought I was done with it.

I wasn’t.

Deep house cleaning started after the official diagnosis. After the first telling of the horrible secrets. After the realization that I wasn’t going to get support from my family. After I came to terms with the fact that I was the victim, but I was going to have to save myself. After figuring out that I could trust my husband, but I still had to be my own person and do my own work.

It’s a long, arduous journey, full of ups and downs, major discoveries and minor setbacks. I’ve purged emotionally through reams of computer paper, journals and spiral notebooks. I’ve talked through hundreds of hours of therapy. I’ve cried buckets of tears, screamed a little (not as much as my therapist would like). I’ve lost and gained who knows how many pounds, and tossed out lots of old pictures and lots of old beliefs.

Deep cleaning is hard work. I’ve read about people who stress about getting rid of their children’s old school papers, and while I’m sure it is hard, I can’t help but think about getting rid of whole pieces of my childhood. But maybe I need to turn it around. Think about reclaiming pieces of my childhood that got lost in the awfulness. So maybe part of the cleaning is more archaeological -- the unearthing of portions of myself long since buried under the rubble of abuse.

I always wanted to be Indiana Jones.

for more stories go to RemembeRED at Write on Edge

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2011-12-13T07:00:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . .. December 13, 2011

Outside my window . . . is the Caribbean Sea. So incredibly blue!

I am thinking . . . that a vacation just before Christmas is a verygood idea.

I am thankful . . . for my dh who planned and executed ourwonderful vacation. He is always helping me find ways to enjoy life more.

From the learning rooms . . . it’s exam time dd and ds. I pray thatthey are doing well.

In the kitchen . . . I’m on vacation from cooking, but not fromdelicious food!

I am wearing . . . yoga pants and an Old Navy t-shirt.

I am creating . . . a new shawl from Interweave Crochet. I had to have something to work on that wouldn't take up much space on the trip.

I am going . .. . for my final 2 dives today. Once these 2 are done I will be a certified scuba diver! Who would have ever thoughtI would do such a thing!?!

I am wondering . .. how I will do on the boat in between dives. The dives are fun for the mostpart, except for a little test anxiety regarding the skills I have to complete.The boat trip is another issue. I tend to get seasick, so I’m hoping thatDramamine kicks in and works well.

I am reading . . . Life of Pi again.I needed to limit myself to one book for this trip, and I thought enforcedreading might help me finish if. I did not enjoy the last few chapters as theywere far too gruesome in describing the death of animals. Eeeeew!

I am hoping . .. to complete these 2 dives with ease, so that the remainder of the dives willjust be fun.

I am looking forward to . . . more fun dives with dh and somesnorkeling. We may even squeeze in a visit to San Gervasio:

San Gervasio was a site dedicated to the Mayan goddess Ixchel ("She of the Rainbows"), deity of midwifery, fertility, medicine and weaving. Many women from the mainland Mayan settlements made the pilgrimage here to Ixchel´s shrine at some point in their lifetime.

I am hearing . . . the surf on the shore and people moving aboutgetting ready for early morning dives.

Around the house . . . really just a room that someone else iscleaning for me!

I am pondering . . . . the benefits of rest and relaxation.

One of my favorite things . . . is spending time in new locals withmy dh. He has broadened my world SO much in the past 26 years.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . more diving, Mayanruins, good food, rest and relaxation.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

Blue Angel Resort and Dive Shop

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Teddy Bear Snack Mix

2011-12-12T14:48:00.000-06:00

Teddy Bear Snack Mix

2 cups Honey Nut Cheerios

2 cups Teddy Grahams

1 cup honey roasted peanuts

1 cup M&Ms

1/2 cup raisins

Mix all together. Store in airtight containers.

It won't last long enough to get stale, though!

This is my variation from the original

recipe found in

Betty Crocker's Best Christmas Cookbook

head over to Made by You Monday at Skip to My Lou to see more

Saturday Poetry -- O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

2011-12-10T07:00:00.000-06:00

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free

Thine own from Satan's tyranny

From depths of Hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer

Our spirits by Thine advent here

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night

And death's dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,

And open wide our heavenly home;

Make safe the way that leads on high,

And close the path to misery.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,

Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,

In ancient times did'st give the Law,

In cloud, and majesty and awe.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel - Enya

{this moment}

2011-12-09T07:43:00.001-06:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Red Writing Hood -- The Doorbell

2011-12-09T07:06:00.001-06:00

The doorbell rang. The panicked, anxiety driven reality of her life was only held in check today by the need to be a good mother to her sick son. At 7 years old, he knew very little, and understood even less about what was going on.

She steeled herself as she went to the door. “I can’t do this right now.”

“You’re going to let us in right this minute,” her father replied in his stern, brook no argument voice. Her mother stood, literally, wringing her hands, as if this was no fault of hers.

Mel caved. She didn’t invite them to sit down. She was having trouble breathing; her thoughts were a blur.

They were angry. Mel knew that anger was bad. How could she stand up to them? It was such a risk to try and tell them how she really felt. They never understood the pain she was suffering. They had been no help then, during the awfulness, and they were less help now. Their expectations and confusion were exhausting.

In a panic driven tone, her mother explained how hurt they were. What Mel owed them. That Mel couldn’t say these things; couldn’t ask for space and time to heal. It wasn’t fair to them. As she railed, Mel’s mother kept backing her into a corner. The thought rushed in that Mel was going to have to throw her own parents out of her house to keep from losing her mind, and to protect her son from the fallout.

Mel took a deep breath and said, “I need you to leave. I can’t do this right now. I have a sick child to care for.” She sounded so calm and in control!

They turned and walked out. She watched them leave as the snow began to fall.

read more or link up at Red Writing Hood

Thankful Thursday -- Borrowed Thankfulness

2011-12-08T07:26:00.001-06:00

It's not that I'm not thankful this morning. I'm just having a difficult time focusing and finding my way to a place of thankfulness.

I know I am blessed beyond all reason. I know that God loves me as His own child. I know that He will always care for me. I know that I have wonderful people in my life, brought by God, to help me see Him more clearly. BUT, I also know that the abuse I suffered frequently replays in my head, and I am overcome with sadness and regret that it happened. I am overcome with the realization that that little girl is me. Those things didn't happen to a random "someone". I would and do feel immense sympathy and compassion for all who suffer any form of abuse, and it is my deepest desire that the abuse cycle be broken.

Sometimes, though, I am simply overcome with my own story. I tend to keep it in the third person, referring to myself during those episodes as "she". It is too painful to own it thoroughly. I don't want any of the episodes to have occurred. I know they are part of who I am; I have learned lessons through them; I have grown exponentially because of the work I have done in processing those experiences. Some days, though, I'd rather not have learned those lessons and grown. Some days I just want a happy, shallow, mindless world to live in -- a Norman Rockwell painting -- where I am happy and trouble free, and so is everyone else.

But that is not real life. So I talk and I write. I pray and I read. And I reach for that contentment that Paul shares.

I have learned to be satisfied with what I have and with whatever happens. I know how to live when I am poor and when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of how to live through any kind of situation—when I have enough to eat or when I am hungry, when I have everything I need or when I have nothing. Christ is the one who gives me the strength I need to do whatever I must do. (Philippians 4:11b-13 -- The Message)

So for today I will strive to be content with borrowing Paul's thankfulness, until I find my own again.

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday #36

2011-12-07T07:00:00.000-06:00

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2011-12-06T07:41:00.000-06:00

FOR TODAY . . . December 6, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and rainy. Again. It's a recurring theme around here. We are supposed to get some sun tomorrow. Here's hoping!

I am thinking . . . about my upcoming trip with dh. We are headed to Cozumel for some more scuba diving.

I am thankful . . . for friends who check on me. I had a rough weekend with the most recent flashback, the holidays, and a very good, but difficult message at church on Sunday. This morning a friend called just to see how I was. Very sweet!

From the learning rooms . . . still more wrestling than studying going on from all appearances.

In the kitchen . . . last night was pot roast, zucchini/squash souffle and hot rolls. Tonight is looking like salmon and shrimp with broccoli and carrots.

I am wearing . . . my red flannel robe and slippers.

I am creating . . . I completed the Attic 24 bag here. Now I'm back on the Coming Home poncho in Sensations Rainbow Classic berry.

I am going . . . . to yoga class, the bank and then home to finish decorating and doing some housework.

I am wondering . . . about the latest memories of abuse that have surfaced. There is a part of me (albeit, small) that wishes I knew more about what drove the abusers to make the choices they made. Something best not dwelt upon.

I am reading . . . not much of late. My concentration is off probably from the recent stress. Life of Pi is still coming and going, and I started The Whole Five Feet by Christopher R. Beha.

I am hoping . . . to get to yoga class today. I've been struggling with exercise lately. Why is that when I know how much better I feel when I exercise regularly?

I am looking forward to . . . doing some baking. I think I will try to get a batch of pumpkin bread and cranberry orange bread made this week and stored in the freezer. I want to make mincemeat cookies when I get back from the trip.

I am hearing . . . nothing but the hum of electronics and my fingers on the computer keyboard.

Around the house . . . "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

I am pondering . . . . what God wants me to do with my story.

One of my favorite things . . . is turning on the Christmas tree lights first thing in the morning. It's a truly lovely way to start the day, especially on dreary mornings.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a couple of appointments on Wednesday, finishing the Christmas decorating, maybe some baking, and packing for the trip.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . .

image from Pinterest

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

RemembeRED -- Crash

2011-12-06T06:52:00.001-06:00

Beautiful sunshine. Warm air. Happiness. CRASH! Something hits me in the back. Not something . . . someone. So unexpected, and yet why am I always surprised? Why don't I see it coming?

She whirls me around and begins to pummel me in the ribs with her fists. She is SO angry, and as always, I have no idea what I've done. She punches me in the ribs -- counting as her fists crash into my tiny body. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Why 8? Is her anger spent or is there some specific reason for that number?

She grabs me by the arm and drags me toward the chicken coop. She has threatened this before, but I didn't think she'd really do it? (Why not. Why don't I believe her threats by now? She generally follows through on them. Will she really drown me someday?)

She throws me in the chicken coop and tells me I have to stay for 5 hours. I am 5 years old. Is it 1 hour for every year of my existence?

"Cover your eyes, or the chickens will peck them out!" she yells as the door crashes shut.

I am alone. Why am I always alone?

for more stories go to RemembeRED Flash Memoir

Made by You Monday -- Attic 24 Bag

2011-12-03T11:12:00.001-06:00

My version of the Attic 24 Crochet Bag. It took me three tries to get this one right (I don't know why!) and it's not flawless, but I really like it. It's my crochet bag for carrying my crochet projects! LOL!

I used Bernat Softee Chunky in soft taupe, fern, aqua, and grape, and a 6 mm (J/10) bamboo hook.

head over to Made by You Mondays at Skip to My Lou to see more

Christmas Reading List

2011-12-02T19:20:00.001-06:00

As the holidays approach, and I begin to pull out decorations, it reminds me of the Christmas books I've enjoyed over the years. I thought I share at least a partial list with you. Some of these are great for children of all ages, while others are more appropriate for older children and adults.

B Is for Bethlehem: A Christmas Alphabet by Isabel Wilmer

If You're Missing Baby Jesus by Jean Gietzen

The Manger Is Empty by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans

The Twelve Days of Christmas [Correspondence] by John Julius Norwich

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote

Blessings of the season and happy reading!

Red Writing Hood -- I Love My Hair

2011-12-02T09:00:00.001-06:00

I love my hair. I know that’s vain and self-centered of me, but I’ve only been able to say that for a few years.

I have naturally wavy/curly, thick, slightly coarse hair. In my younger years it was a dark, rich brown with the occasional copper highlights. Now those highlights are gray.

Back in the day I hated my hair. I was a child of the ‘60’s and ‘70’s. Straight, fine, blond hair was the hair of choice then. Brown was okay, but it had to be long, super straight, and smooth. My hair has never had a smooth day in my life!

Over the years it’s been long, short, bobbed, shagged, cropped – you name it, I’ve done it. One perm – what was I thinking!?! Only natural colors to cover the early onset gray though.

A couple of years ago I began to embrace the bush that is my hair. I also found a stylist who taught me how to handle my hair. I accepted that I’m hair impaired and very lazy. I discovered CatWalk TIGI Curls Rock. My savior! And oddly enough a straightening iron that I only use on those pesky curly bangs.

So now I love my hair. It expresses who I am (most days!) and I worry about it very little now. On a good day it’s pure happiness; on a bad day there’s always a ponytail and/or cap.

Maybe learning to love my hair is the result of learning to love myself. Maybe it’s just getting older and not caring so much. Mostly I think it’s about recognizing I am who I am flaws and all. Not damaged goods, just a little wild and unruly.

link up at Red Writing Hood

{this moment}

2011-12-02T08:38:00.001-06:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-01T08:07:00.001-06:00

This month we move Thankful Thursday to Grace Alone. It's an interesting combination -- thankfulness and grace.

Thankfulness is defined as: conscious of benefit received; expressive of thanks; well pleased.

Grace is defined as: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.

Big words!

I need a lot of grace this week. So I am hugely thankful that God is providing it.

Abuse does bizarre things to people. It warps my view of myself. That's one place God's grace comes in -- He gives me a mirror to view myself as He sees me.

He doesn't see the damaged, terrified, worthless person that I see when I look in my mirror. He sees His child, who has been hurt. A child He wants to comfort and nurture. A child who is not a victim, but a survivor. His child for whom He wants the best.

Today I am thankful for God's grace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-30T18:20:00.000-06:00

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

RemembeRED -- Photograph

2011-11-29T07:50:00.001-06:00

I am me. The me I was born to be. Before any of the abuse started, before I knew about evil. When I was just happy. My mother took this photograph. It is the only one she ever took. She said I hummed and sang before I could talk. I was a happy child then, before I became confused. All the things I love surround me in this picture: books, stuffed animals, my circus ball, and a tea set. I was busy, even then, caring for and nurturing others. It is how I learned to nurture myself, I think.

When I look at this picture, I wish that little girl would turn around, so I could see her face – see pure joy. I’d like to warn her that things are about to get very difficult. I’d love to tell her it won’t last forever and a wonderful man will come into her life to help her save herself. But maybe it’s better this way. Let her have those last few months of pure joy – unadulterated by the evil that is to come. Warning her wouldn’t have changed anything, and maybe the knowledge of the wonderful man would have made it harder for her to save herself later. I don’t know.

Some people believe that a photograph can steal your soul. Not me. I believe a photograph – this photograph – saved my soul making it possible for me to retrieve it in due time.

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