I Find Joy in . . .

Connecting with people on a deeper level.

I know, right? Sounds a bit odd for an introverted survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but it's true. The introverted part of me has to take it in small steps. A few people at time, for a relatively short period of time.

This past weekend I did a retreat and it was fabulous, but by the time I got home Sunday night I was way over my people interaction, talk, and share quota, so I had to settle down in quiet with my eye bag and some rest to fend off a migraine. But it was so worth it!

I got to talk, share, and listen to like minded women about life's hurts, how we deal with them, and what we do with the lessons we learn. To be surrounded by 15 other women who've had their own hurts and are willing to embrace them, talk about them, and learn from them is so fulfilling and validating. And to have the opportunity to give back to others who understand pain and brokenness not as the end of something, but rather as the beginning of everything brought so much joy to my spirit.

I don't do chitchat well. I can't stay superficial for very long -- it's one of the good news/bad news aspects of my life experiences. These women didn't dwell in chitchat either! I've done spiritual retreats before, but most of them were more inwardly focused, and that's been a very good, very healing experience for me. But this one was more about others and how I can use my pain and hurt to connect with and love others. It's something I try to do here in this space, and something I want to get better at. 

I trusted in the safety of that space and those people. In God's love and protection. That he guided me to this event because he knew it was the right time and space for me. I told the participants and leaders at the the end of it all my biggest take away was that I NEVER got scared, panicked, or felt the need to run away and hide. I received words of validation, support, and praise without pushing them away. And hugs. Oh the hugs and loving touch. No desire to run. Open receptive arms from all of them and toward all of them. 

The blessing of realizing that it doesn't diminish or minimize my history to be able to talk about it and survive the sharing of it was remarkable. I am filled with hope and love from the weekend. And joy. Lots of joy.



(KarenBeth over at Finding the Grace Within offers a weekly link called Tuesday at Ten, so today I'm linking up with her.)

Day 10 of 31

I had one of those conversations yesterday. You know the real ones where nobody pretends like everything is wonderful? Where you ask real questions about hard stuff? It was just lovely. And the funny thing was it led to laughter, and I felt maybe I was understood, and that little click of connection may have sounded.

I've known of this person since high school. I was reacquainted with her a few years ago through a mutual friend. Recently I hired her to do some work for me.

I'm not good at asking for help, even when I'm paying for it. Everything just came together in one of those ways that makes me think God's got to be in this. Planets aligning and all that.

We chatted before she began working. Filling in information gaps. What we knew, thought we knew, about each other -- exchanging it for what was real and true. 

Her life's not perfect either. She grew up going to church and the right schools, but it hasn't been picket fences and window boxes. And that made it easier to talk about my window boxes being empty, and the struggles of abuse, betrayal, distrust, a bipolar daughter, and an extended family that fails. 

What amazed me most was the laughter. It didn't feel like we were ignoring each other's pain (hers is divorce, blended family, chronic illness -- variations on a theme), rather it seemed that we just understood. There wasn't all that effort to try and explain to someone who hasn't struggled. She knew what it felt like, and so did I. So we moved into that click connection with little or no awkwardness. 

And isn't that what it's meant to be like? Really seeing, sharing, and understanding another person's life without judging or fearing judgment. 

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Day 2 of 31

So Ann is writing about crazy joy. Her post today gave me a lot to think about.

I consider myself to be a joyful person. In general I try to see the good, find the humor, and enjoy the little things. But sometimes (often lately) all of that is made more difficult by the memories of abuse I carry with me.

I've had people say more than once, "It was a long time ago. You need to let it go", as if I am deliberately holding on to the pain. I have worked hard to understand what happened and not focus on the why, but accept that it wasn't my fault, and it shouldn't have happened.

But it's hard to connect. I stand in the foyer after services at church and I try to reach out and speak, but so many people rush by. I am alone although surrounded by good, caring people. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a counselor tell me once, it would be easier for others if I had cancer. People know what to do with cancer, they don't know what to do with abuse. I'm glad I don't have cancer. 

So this is the real me. I am joyful at the sight of twin baby girls next to me during worship, but crying in pain as a little girl stands at the front and sings out purely, "Yes Jesus loves me".

We are all pain and joy. It's the blending that is so difficult.

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Join

join -- to come together so as to be connected

I am not a joiner. I have trust issues. I worry too much and can be paranoid. 

I want to be connected like the definition says, but it's the joining that stymies me.

I don't enjoy the process of getting to know people. I worry that I'm misinterpreting or being misinterpreted.

I want there to be a way to connect without having to go through the joining phase.

But that doesn't work. 

Even in my relationship with God, I had to go through joining. I had to open myself up to Him to be able to connect. It had nothing to do with Him. It was all about me.

I really want to connect, so I'm going to work on joining. 

Will you join with me?

joining at 5 minute friday

Connect

I want to connect.
I want to feel the "click" as camaraderie is found.
I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these people get me 
-- want to continue getting me.

I struggle with connecting.
I struggle with trusting that "click" I hear is really camaraderie.
I struggle with the realization that these people may let me down.

I need to learn how to connect.
I need to be open to accepting a faint "click" as enough.
I need to accept that there is a time for certain connections
-- they don't all have to last forever.

I will work on connecting.
I will open myself up to more possibilities.
I will take the risk.

Connect. 
Click.

linking up with Lisa-Jo at 5 minute friday