#metoo

Write 31 Days Day #17

a guest post by my daughter, Claire (27)

For every “me too” that gets posted, there are thousands of men and women too scared and ashamed to speak out.

For every single post you see, know that there are so many more throughout the world. Those of us speaking out do so because we are healing. We have found love and the courage to share but it is never an easy path to walk.

Abuse and assault have become so commonplace that we often won’t label it what it truly is. I’ve heard so many rationales for why “it wasn’t really assault/rape.” Things like “but I know people have it so much worse” or “it was just groping” or “well but I know deep down I wanted it” or “well I initiated it” or “but I didn’t fight back” and countless others.

It is never the victim's fault!!! Ever!!! The shame is not yours to carry. It’s not mine to carry. You did what you were supposed to do: you survived!!! You are not alone. There are people who understand. If you think you can’t tell anyone, tell me. I will listen. I will grieve with you. And I will be here to remind you that it in no way alters your value as a person or as a beloved child of God.

I promise you that I understand the thoughts that gnaw at your mind. I understand the overwhelming shame and fear. I do not usually speak so publicly but isn’t that the problem?! We speak in hushed tones only to others who we know understand our pain. Break the silence. If you are too scared to say anything on your wall, tell a trusted friend. Reach out. There is hope and healing. #metoo

Blessings!

How It All Began

My dh and I went into marriage therapy, for the second time, in September 2000. We went because dh wanted to know why I wasn't happy or interested in intimacy. I went along because I wanted him to stop nagging me. We met with a family psychologist who had been recommended by a friend, we'll call him Paul. Paul was a good Christian with an open enthusiastic style. We met with him a few times, talking about various aspects of our relationship. Dh and I are pretty forthright and open, so we didn't hold much back. I just didn't know why we were there! Things weren't perfect, but who has a perfect life? Dh annoyed me a fair amount, and I apparently annoyed him just as much, if not more. 


We talked about communication issues, our origins, child issues -- all the usual stuff. We also told Paul about the previous time we'd been in marriage therapy. The focus of that had been addressing the effects of an assault I had suffered in college. A family member molested me in the middle of the night. I had never told anyone in the family except for dh. At the time it happened, we had only been dating a few months. My parents were out of town, and since I was afraid to stay at home alone, I had gone to this couple's house to spend the night. 


As we recounted this story to Paul, I remember thinking, this was old news. We had dealt with this. It didn't need to be addressed any further. Admittedly, when we had talked through it years before the outcome had not really been satisfactory for me. We told my parents what had happened, and rather than jump to my defense, my mother said, "Oh poor L (the wife)" and my father said, "You were right to not tell us. Boys will be boys." I was stunned, but felt that they must be right (they were my parents after all). 


That first time in therapy, I confronted the molester. He apologized, but stated that he didn't understand why it was such a problem for me. I made him tell his wife, who later told me I should have told her when it happened. She might have left him then, but couldn't now because there were too many years and child invested in the marriage now. 


As I began to recount all of this to Paul, it occurred to me that the whole situation still really bothered me. It still made me sick at my stomach to think about it, and there were huge portions of the event that I either couldn't remember or explain. Paul suggested that I might want to talk with him without dh present. Uh-oh! It was all my fault -- whatever "it" was.