Grieving and Forgiving

One day is fine for grieving and remembering, but the next day life must go on.
I read this line this morning and I thought "Yes!". Because that's exactly the way I feel about sitting and crying in my therapist office over things (horrible things) that happened so long ago. 

And I watched as talk of an abuser turned to talk of mothering and comfort, and then to teaching and prayer, and finally to Jesus. And I am reminded again of the importance of not placing my faith in people. That I have to keep my eyes on Jesus, because people, even good Christian people will fail and let me down.

And I will fail and let other people down.

I told my husband that I realize how completely unprepared I was to be a mother. I knew the mechanics of it, but not the heart and soul. I missed out on opportunities to share with and teach my children, because of my own insecurities. And I'd really like a do-over on so many things. I read about wonderful ways that mothers (and fathers) are building their children up and sharing about Jesus with them every day. And I feel awe and guilt.

I was raised by a preacher, but God and Jesus only showed up at meals and bedtime, and Wednesday night and twice on Sunday. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. And I rail at myself for not seeing it sooner. For not grasping the importance of my job. For not putting my babies first because I was so damned worried about what everyone else might think. 

And then I stop and breathe. I remember that I am God's "baby" and He did put me first. And my babies were His long before I came into the picture. I remember sitting alone with each of them in the hospital after each birth, and giving them back to God because there was no way I could be responsible enough to care for these precious souls.

And I know that He holds their hands in His just like He's held mine. He forgives me, and it's long past time I forgive myself. 

Just because they are 19 and 22 doesn't mean I have to be done mothering them. I can still talk and share. 

But mostly I can forgive and trust.

linking up at imperfect prose on thursdays

Day 15 of 31

It's a beautiful autumn day here. The sky is blue. There is a nicely north breeze and the temperature is 62 degrees. I have the windows and doors open.

I'm recuperating from costochondritis fairly well. At this point the side effects from the steroids are worse than the inflammation. My hands are shaking, so typing may be slow today.

My son is home from college for fall break. Tempers flared last night. Son and daughter do not always see eye to eye -- she is a social work major with undecided political leanings, and she's bipolar. He is computer geek with decidedly Republican leanings, and he's 19 so he knows everything.

There for a little while last night I found myself reliving the toddler days of refereeing disputes. But then I remembered, that's not my job anymore. I told them both to behave like adults because rude isn't acceptable in my house. My daughter backed down and went to bed, my son kept pressing his case. At that point the hubs stepped in had a long conversation with son. Then they did some programming and played some ping pong and everybody went to bed.

Why is is so hard as parent to see your child misbehave? Even at 19? Because what if he stays 19 -- self-centered, cocky, and lacking in compassion for others? 

Then I remind myself, my daughter got over being 19, so he will too. (I hope its' sooner rather than later, though!)

Eight Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse: An Informative Article

I recently ran across an article that answered some long standing questions for me. Throughout this process of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse (CSA) I have been my own worst critic. If I were one of the apostles, I would be Thomas.  Always doubting, always questioning. That is in part my nature and in part one of the side effects of the abuse. As survivors, we learn early on to doubt what our senses tell us. How can we not doubt? Understanding is impossible. How to understand that someone who was previously friendly and nice, is now mean and frightening? 


In my experience, abusers were part of my day to day life. I am sure there were times when I was with them that they did not abuse me, thus adding to the confusion. Why last time, but not this time? What did I do differently that made them stay "nice"? 


So throughout this journey a couple of recurring themes have haunted and tormented me. The first one was how could everyone be taken in by this person? One of my abusers was the all American clean cut college guy. A good Christian boy, from a good Christian family, who went to a good Christian school, and met a nice Christian girl -- got engaged, so they could live the good Christian life serving others through his prominent medical practice. That's what "everybody" saw -- except me. I saw the terrifying man with the dead eyes who attacked viciously and randomly, and expected his girlfriend to watch and then clean up. Very confusing, especially when you are five years old. 


The second one was, How is it no one noticed any damage to my body? I was threatened, knocked down, and terrorized, but I was also raped, strangled, and sodomized. While I don't have clear memories of specific injuries, I do remember a great deal of pain and some blood. How was this missed? Remarkably it is not uncommon. It doesn't take that long to abuse a child, and children heal quickly, especially in soft tissue areas.

Eight Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse clarified some aspects of this for me. I would recommend that everyone read this article. If you have suffered abuse, hopefully it will bring you some peace. If you have not, you probably know someone who has, and this knowledge will help you help them. Regardless, knowledge is power.


The eight myths are:
1. Normal-appearing, well educated, middle-class people don't molest children.
2. People are too quick to believe an abuser is guilty, even if there is no supporting evidence.
3. Child molesters molest indiscriminately.
4. Children who are being abused would immediately tell their parents.
5. Children who are being abused will show physical evidence of abuse.
6. Hundreds of innocent men and women have been falsely accused and sent to prison for molesting children.
7. If asked about abuse, children tend to exaggerate and are prone to make false accusations.
8. By using repeated interviews, therapists or police can easily implant false memories and cause false accusations among children of any age.


Some of these myths will challenge your core beliefs, they did mine and I'm a survivor! Others may seem patently obvious to you. Regardless, try to read with and open mind, and if possible share this information others, to help stop the abundance of abuse against children in our world.


Blessings!

(photo from charlottemusiclessons.wordpress.com)