What does it mean to you to be a "survivor"?

I saw this question on Twitter this morning (@NashvilleSAC) and it made me wonder how I define surviving.

Webster defines survive this way:

1 : to remain alive or in existence : live on
2 : to continue to function or prosper

So a survivor, presumably, is one who remains alive or in existence, or one who continues to function or prosper. Dictonary.com adds this to the definition: a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.

For me, it's important to include Dictionary.com's addition. To be a survivor you need to have experienced something that could have taken you down. But surviving, especially in relationship to trauma, means more to me than just remaining alive or continuing to function. Those are vital, of course, but I prefer to see them as first steps. 

Surviving is a process. Being a survivor will lead to prospering in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks, because all of this will happen. Because that is how real life is. We all suffer opposition, hardship, and setbacks, and we all have to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.

So how do I define being a survivor? Facing the reality of what I experienced. Working, really hard, to accept that reality, and placing responsibility where it belongs. Letting go of fear and shame. Believing that I have the right to have a good life in spite of the horrible things that were done to me. Continuing to move forward toward positive goals: a relationship with God, family, and friends, all while helping others out along the way. All of this while recognizing that I can't make the abuse not have happened, but I can put what I've learned to good use for myself and others.

So yeah, I survived. I'm a survivor. But, no offense to Mr. Webster, I'm doing a lot more than just existing!

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Day 23 of 31

"Trauma is trauma". That's what I say to people when they talk about their own struggles. It's not about comparisons. Whatever you struggle with is what you have to learn to deal with.

And yet, sometimes when I hear people throwing around terms it irks me -- no, actually it infuriates me. It makes me angry.

The first time I noticed it was in the grocery. Someone said the prices on foods made him feel as if the manufacturers were just raping the consumers. Whoa! I don't think so, not even close. The price of cereal compared to being raped? 

I remember after 9/11, my therapist (at the time) saying the whole nation was suffering from PTSD, and I felt belittled. Maybe there was some truth in it, but it made my personal story feel unworthy. What I heard was "Get over it. Look what all these other people are going through." I don't think that's what he meant, but still . . . 

I've said it before and will no doubt say it again, I am a words girl. Definitions are my bread and butter. I live by definitions. 

Trauma -- a : an injury (as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent
b : a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
c : an emotional upset

That cuts a wide swath. Judith Hermann in her book Trauma and Recovery says it this way -- . . . simplistic efforts to quantify trauma ultimately lead to meaningless comparisons of horror. The salient characteristic of the traumatic event is its power to inspire helplessness and terror.

So maybe my theory that trauma is trauma needs to be updated by remembering what trauma really is. Having a bad day is not trauma. Thinking you or someone you love is about to die is trauma. 

Did I believe I would die? Did I feel powerless and helpless in those of moments of abuse? You bet I did. At times the abusers told me how they were going to kill me. At other times the pain and horror were so intense I couldn't imagine surviving. 

So what's the point of all this? I guess, it's to remind us all to think before we speak. And I'll keep working on listening with a discerning hear. Trying to hear what you mean even when what you say irks me.

Forgiving and Forgetting

I've been thinking a lot about remembering lately. Going through my history to get things in perspective is often painful, and yet I believe God is leading me to go through all of this again for a purpose. In the midst of this reverie, I've read some blogging on forgetting as a part of forgiveness. Given that I "forgot" a great deal of the abuse only to have it return uninvited, it raises the question, "Is forgetting necessary for forgiveness?" Personally, I'd answer a resounding "No" to that one. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First let's define forgetting. Webster's defines forgetting this way: "1: to lose the remembrance of : be unable to think of or recall; 2. to treat with inattention or disregard; 3. to cease remembering or noticing".

The first definition implies an inability to remember. This is not a choice, but rather something that is brought on without my control. If I can't control it, I don't think I can be required to do it.

The second and third definitions are more inline with one another. "To treat with inattention or disregard" is a choice; something that is within my control. "To cease remembering or noticing" -- I really like this one best. It is obviously a conscious choice and decision. It does not imply that the events are no longer a part of my history or that they never occurred, but rather that I have dealt with them and chosen to put them away.

For many this may be nothing but semantics, but for me it's all about choices and control. I had no choices or control when my abusers were around, but now I do. I have forgiven and I have forgotten. I choose not to dwell on the events of the past, but at the same time I choose to learn from them and incorporate them into the reality of my life and who I am.

For me forgiveness only comes through understanding responsibility. Once I have that one squared away, the forgive and forget becomes a lot easier.