I want to be exact in everything I do. A not very realistic goal, I understand, but there it is.
The idea that everything doesn't have to be exact - perfect - is difficult for me to get my head around. I spent the last 30+ years trying to do just that. It doesn't work - I know this - but I kept striving for it anyway, while it hammered at my self-worth and made me deflect every compliment that came my way.
So I'm working on changing my attitude again. Years ago I claimed the term "procrastinating perfectionist" to describe my inertia. I would find myself frozen, unable to move in any direction for fear of failing, even if only in one tiny aspect of the task. I recognize the abuse imbued me with an intense fear of failure, as I believed I was responsible for it. I just never knew what I had done to make it happen. That sense of responsibility left me terrified of making a mistake whether I knew what the mistake was or not. You can't win if you try to take on responsibility for something that's not yours.
Today I met with an accountant to help me with my taxes. I'm still new to all of this, so I'm getting help to be sure I pay the right amount. I gathered all the papers I could think of and put them in my cute, pink plastic envelope. I dressed nicely and arrived on time. I couldn't find parking so I called to ask where I could park. That may not sound like much, but it's hard for me. For some reason, I believe I'm supposed to know everything all the time, so asking questions is tantamount to admitting I'm an idiot. Once I got to the office and we began to look through paperwork, it became patently obvious that I had forgotten numerous important documents - like last year's tax forms.
Internally, I quickly spiraled into self- doubt, beating myself up for not bringing those documents. I feel confident that the accountant had no idea how stressed I was. I made a note of items he needed from me and we agreed on how I would get them to him, and when.
There was no external evidence or my anxiety, except speed talking and over-explaining. Maybe a few unnecessary "I'm sorries." Otherwise, I left with a plan. But it took me a while to talk myself down. A call to my best friend helped me put some things in perspective, along with a promise to help me get organized for next time.
That's a lot of information to explain my love/hate relationship with exact, but now you know I have a tendency to over-explain when I'm stressed.
