So I did what I always do. I click on the dictionary link, and this is what I found --
1 a : to buy back
b : to get or win back
2 : to free from what distresses or harms:
a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom
b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental
c : to release from blame or debt
d : to free from the consequences of sin
3 : to change for the better
4 : repair, restore
5 a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby
b : to get or win back
2 : to free from what distresses or harms:
a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom
b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental
c : to release from blame or debt
d : to free from the consequences of sin
3 : to change for the better
4 : repair, restore
5 a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby
b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value
c : to make good
6 a : to atone for
b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile
I look at all of those definitions, and they make sense. But I know I'll lose their meaning and depth at the next shockwave.
I look at my life, especially the events from childhood, and I crave the second definition -- to free from what distresses or harms. I want redemption from those horrors. And I know I have redemption from those days, but I don't feel it -- I can't retain it. So I keep trying to understand and piece things back together by myself. Because I felt so alone then. I forget I'm not alone now -- wasn't really alone then.
But I felt alone. There was no way and no one to tell. I knew in my little girl heart, God was there, but in my grownup heart I don't understand why He didn't intervene. I accept that bad is part of this world, and that I'm not the only little kid who suffers/suffered. I don't think I deserve better than someone else. I just don't think any child should suffer that level of pain.
I don't want to hear how I need to be grateful for what I did have, and that I survived. I don't mean to sound petty or selfish. I'm just struggling with a lot of emotions right now, and I'm feeling angry and defensive.
So I open my heart once again. And I think of the prayer of Julian of Norwich:
c : to make good
6 a : to atone for
b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile
I look at all of those definitions, and they make sense. But I know I'll lose their meaning and depth at the next shockwave.
I look at my life, especially the events from childhood, and I crave the second definition -- to free from what distresses or harms. I want redemption from those horrors. And I know I have redemption from those days, but I don't feel it -- I can't retain it. So I keep trying to understand and piece things back together by myself. Because I felt so alone then. I forget I'm not alone now -- wasn't really alone then.
But I felt alone. There was no way and no one to tell. I knew in my little girl heart, God was there, but in my grownup heart I don't understand why He didn't intervene. I accept that bad is part of this world, and that I'm not the only little kid who suffers/suffered. I don't think I deserve better than someone else. I just don't think any child should suffer that level of pain.
I don't want to hear how I need to be grateful for what I did have, and that I survived. I don't mean to sound petty or selfish. I'm just struggling with a lot of emotions right now, and I'm feeling angry and defensive.
So I open my heart once again. And I think of the prayer of Julian of Norwich:
. . . and all shall be well, and all shall be well
And I remember that I am redeemed even if I don't understand it. That God loves me even when I'm angry and confused and defensive. And there is relief in that.
linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays
And I remember that I am redeemed even if I don't understand it. That God loves me even when I'm angry and confused and defensive. And there is relief in that.
linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays
