Fajitas and Honesty

Last night we went to dinner with a "new" group of people. Some of them we already knew, but others we'd never met. This is just the kind of social setting that has induced major panic and anxiety for me in the past. There was none (well maybe a smidgen) last night. I don't know why specifically, but I'm choosing to see it as another positive step in recovery. 


Dh and I joined a new congregation about a year ago. We really like it and are finding a niche for ourselves. The congregation has a program called Life Groups. You may be familiar with it. Small groups are formed from the congregation for fellowship, Bible study, home church, and accountability. It's a really great concept, but it can be daunting finding a group where you can feel comfortable. 


Last night we sat around eating fajitas and talking about all kinds of things -- some church related, some not. There were a dozen or so of us there, and dh and I were the "newbies". I knew maybe four of the people before we got there. One was from my "previous" life -- the brother of a guy I went to school with. Invariably familial connections were made and revealed. My dad is a relatively well known person in our area -- he was teacher for many years and lots of people had him for classes. Dh let it slip who he was and it opened a swell of comments, questions, and recognition.


I've seen it before. I'm a nice enough person, and then the other person finds out I'm HIS daughter. I can watch their minds whirring as they make connections to him or things they know about him or things they think they know about him. It changes their perception of me, I think. Sometimes good -- sometimes bad. I joke and say I should have his name tattooed on my head!


When I was younger, I enjoyed being known as his daughter. It gave me an identity. As I've gotten older, it's more of an annoyance. My father and I do not see eye to eye on some things, most importantly, dealing with my past. Don't get me wrong -- my dad loves me, but he's never been able/willing to truly support me regarding the abuse I suffered as a child and young adult.


One of the other people I already knew in the group has worked with the wife of one of the abusers. After the meeting broke up, I pulled her aside and asked if she knew anything about my past from this woman. She assured me that she  did not. I explained a little about the abuse and how it had impacted my relationship with this other woman (sorry to be vague, but I try not out anybody! Lets call the Life Group lady Kay.) Kay was very kind and understanding about my concerns. If I'm going to be in a group where openness and accountability are part of the process, I needed to know where I stood with her. 


She believed me immediately regarding the abuse. This still surprises me. Why do people just take my word for it? Why do acquaintances instantly accept my story when my family found it so hard to accept? I do understand on the one hand, but on the other it is confounding for me.


We had a good time last night and were invited back to the next meeting. I guess we passed muster! It's an interesting process opening up and sharing with new people. 


I'll keep you posted.

Technical Difficulties

My internet was out yesterday! Oh the horror. It was like being separated from my dearest friends. No "Feel Good Friday" post yesterday. I haven't done my "Saturday Poetry" post for today.


Hopefully I'll get something up before the end of the day!


Happy Saturday : )

Thankful Thursday -- February 10, 2011

Still thinking about and working on this idea of soul level gratitude

So for this week anyway here's my list:

1. I am grateful for good conversation with my dd. We are still finding our way in this new territory of healing and medication. She is doing really well with her school work and taking care of herself physically and emotionally. I am learning about standing up for myself and being straight forward with her; believing that I will not cause her to make bad choices.

2. I am grateful for taking a stand for myself recently, while setting reasonable boundaries. I have signed on with a personal trainer to try and take better care of myself. I met with her and explained my history; my need to be in control of what we do; my need to be able to say "No" and have there be no yelling or forcing; my desire to be healthy, not skinny and svelte (not that I would turn down skinny and svelte!). I've worked out with her three times now. I did everything she asked the first day. The second day I had to slow the pace on the treadmill because I tend to get shin splints. Yesterday I started the work out by telling her we had to tone it down a bit. Just because I could do what she asked didn't mean it was in my best interest. Remarkably she was fine with that and no crises resulted.

3. I am grateful for my friends. Now this may not sound like soul level gratitude, but I think it is. Lately I've been spending regular time with 2 life long friends. Linda is my best friend of all time. She knows everything about me and still likes me. I can say anything to her and she remains my friend. She takes no guff from me, however.  We have been friends since I was 15. Keith and I have known each and been friends since 2nd grade. I don't know why or how it happened, but we clicked from day one. He is wonderfully talented, loving and creative. And possibly one of the most compassionate people I have ever known. Friends like these are not to be taken lightly or for granted. I am blessed by having them in my life.

4. I am grateful for anger. Now this may seem like an odd thing to be grateful for, but there is a good reason. For years my therapist, husband and close friends have encouraged me to feel appropriate anger toward those who abused me. "Anger is an appropriate response to being dishonored" -- I think that's the line. 

Anger is appropriate when you are on the receiving end of a series of hard knocks through no fault of your own. Read the Psalms. There you’ll frequently read the angry response of a man of God whose life is being threatened by those who are up to no good. As an example consider Psalm 64:1-4—  “Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from that noisy crowd of evil doers, who sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows. They shoot from the innocent man; they shoot at him suddenly without fear.” It sounds to me like that fellow is pretty upset and he’s letting God know about it. HEARTLIGHT Magazine

So for today, I am grateful to be getting in touch with my appropriate anger, but I pray that God will keep me where He wants me to be regarding what I do with that anger.

5. Finally, I am grateful for learning not to be afraid of honesty. I value honesty above almost everything else. Perhaps because of all the secrets I was forced to keep for so many years. It is imperative to me to be "pathologically honest", and I expect the same from people I deal with. 

They were also to stand every morning to thank and praise the LORD. They were to do the same in the evening . . .

-- I Chronicles 23:30

Look for more Thankful Thursday post @ Women Taking a Stand

The Simple Woman's Daybook -- February 8, 2011

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... it is clear and cold with a light dusting of snow on the ground. And yes they are predicting more snow for tomorrow!

I am thinking... that this new personal trainer may do me in! I am not that sore (haven't seen her since Saturday) but I am still tired.

I am thankful for... good friends who feel comfortable asking for prayers. It is a blessing to carry other people's burdens along with them.

From the learning rooms... all the usual with lots of tests this week.

From the kitchen... I made a new recipe last night called Mexican Shepherds' Pie. It was quite tasty and will probably become a recurring menu item.

I am wearing... my red flannel pj pants, a pink tshirt, red flannel robe, gray socks and crocs. Yes, I am a fashionista.

I am creating... an afghan/throw for the family and a triangular scarf/shawl that I'm actually using a pattern for! I know, right!?!? And now a scarf/shawl for dd because she liked the the one I was working on for me.

I am going... to do Restorative Yoga and then the besties are coming to my house for beading and general craftiness.

I am reading... I've given up on My Name Is Memory by Ann Brashares. I was getting bored with it, so I skipped ahead . . . (spoiler alert -- they don't get together!) Too much time and not enough pay off.

So now I'm reading New York Dead by Stuart Woods. It's the first in his Stone Barrington series. Pretty good so far, although a little dated.

I am hoping... we don't get hit with any more snow this week. They've been threatening more, but I hope they are wrong.

I am hearing... doggie toenails on the wooden floor, and ds getting ready for school.

Around the house... S - L - O - W progress on organizing. I'm just not motivated lately in the housekeeping department.

One of my favorite things... is how I feel after I've completed a workout with my new trainer. She works me hard. I dread going. I hate being there -- at least the weights/abs work. BUT -- I'm very proud of myself when I'm done : )

A few plans for the rest of the week... more crocheting, some beading, some writing, Bible studies, and lunch with dd.

Here is a  picture for thought I am sharing... 

Yes -- these are my glasses that I wear 24/7. 

I was cleaning them yesterday when they suddenly broke in half! 

Turns out they are 4 years old. 

So now I have an appointment with the eye doctor on Wednesday.

I'm stuck with my old ones for now.

Hosted by The Simple Woman's Daybook

Saturday Poetry -- Surprise

i said

if i told

my father would never speak to me.

my mother would have a nervous breakdown.

my oldest brothers would be exposed and get sick.

their perpetrator friends would deny -- and then laugh.

my sister would hate the chaos and gain weight --

all the while denying.

my youngest brothers would not understand --

but they really would

sexual abuse runs in families you know -- a filthy epidemic.

society would point their fingers.

i sure do have a lot of power.

the world sure does revolve around me.

well nothing much happened

the world continued to spin on its axis

everyone denied

and 

i

got

healthier.

Cecilia, an abuse survivor

Feel Good Friday -- February 4, 2011

It's another FGF! Over at The Girl she was blogging in French! I hope that's not going to become a requirement, as I only speak English. LOL!


Anyway here are my 5 for this Friday:


1. Monday I went to the doctor afraid I might have pleurisy. The feel good part of this is I didn't. I had something with a name so long, I can't even remember it! More good news -- it wasn't serious and a few doses of anti-inflammatory meds have just about cleared it up.


2. Tuesday was spent with 2 of my besties. We talked, we vented, we crafted, we solved all the world issues (if only they would ask us!), and we ate. A pretty much perfect day, except for that ridiculously cold rain.


3. This is may be obsessive, but hugely fun!

I have become a constant crocheter of late. It's fun and productive. 

4. Yesterday after my Bible study class, I went to the library to pick up a couple of books they had on hold for me. Then I just wandered around for a while. It's nice to go to the library and know I won't be asked for help. I kind of like just being a patron!

5. I think (hope) this is/will be a feel good opportunity. This afternoon I meet for my first training session with a personal trainer to help get this somewhat flabby body into a little better shape. Hope I feel good AFTER I meet with the trainer! LOL!

Link up at The Girl Next Door Grows Up for more Feel Good Friday posts.

Thankful Thursday -- February 3, 2011

It's an interesting exercise -- stopping and thinking about gratitude. Not just that quick thanks, but really considering the people, events or things that I am grateful for. Sure I want to live a grateful life, but how can I if I don't make the time to acknowledge my gratitude.

It's easy to fall into a routine of gratitude that's not soul level gratitude. What if I had to come up with different things to express gratitude for every Thursday for an entire year!?! How difficult would it be not to fall back on the tried and true -- home, husband, children, job. Not that it's wrong to be grateful for these things, but maybe I need to look deeper. Move out of my comfort zone.

So for this week anyway here's my list:

1. I am grateful for sitting down to dinner with extended family a couple of weeks ago, and realizing that I was relaxed and at ease. For years I couldn't do this, and I realized in that moment in the crowded restaurant what a blessing and gift it is to feel at ease with my husband's family. 

2. I am grateful for a realization about right and wrong that I had this week. I started crocheting again about a year ago after having done virtually nothing since high school. A friend asked me to help her brush up on her skills, and in the process of helping her, it occurred to me that maybe there's not really a right or wrong way to crochet. I mean, somewhere someone picked up a stick and some thread and started tying knots to create designs, so who's to say what's right or wrong. Maybe it's just a new stitch!

3. I am grateful for my friend's ability to bake cookies. Don't get me wrong, I make very good cookies, but there is something remarkable about the way Linda does it. She doesn't need the recipe; she never misses a beat in the conversation as she makes them; and all you ever have to do is ask and she'll bake them. Like this past Tuesday, we were together doing crafty things and having "group therapy". She fed us a quick lunch and then said, "I'm baking cookies." 

4. I am grateful for learning the lesson of perseverance, even if it did take me a while. I used to refer to myself as a "procrastinating perfectionist". I would put off doing anything out of fear that it might not be done "right". I think child rearing and crafting are the best ways to overcome this mindset. There are no "do overs" in child rearing, so you have to learn to live with mistakes, apologize whenever necessary and move on. You really can't just leave them to their own defenses! But crafting taught me the other side of that coin -- especially crocheting. Start the project. If you don't like it, unravel it and start something different. Life's too short to finish projects you don't enjoy.

5. Finally, I am grateful that learning goes on forever. I never want to stop learning! 

They were also to stand every morning to thank and praise the LORD. They were to do the same in the evening . . .

-- I Chronicles 23:30

Look for more Thankful Thursday post @ Women Taking a Stand