Guilt Fast

I've been contemplating Lent for the past several weeks. I've mentioned before that I wasn't brought up in a tradition that observed the religious calendar, and this year found me wondering about the benefit of trying to give something up for Lent. I didn't want it to be just another requirement to be marked off my to-do list. I wanted something meaningful and helpful -- something that would help me focus on God. I did a Google search of Lent ideas and found a few that appealed to me, but one stood out mostly because it made me uncomfortable. What made me uncomfortable was it seemed too focused on me instead of God. I pondered on it for a while and yesterday asked a couple of people their opinion. Both of them responded immediately that this was a really good one for me in particular.

fast from feeling guilty and angry at yourself for things you have done wrong, instead remember God’s great love for you 

That's what I found. It's something I struggle with daily, as well as feeling guilty for what was done to me. I have spent a lot of time trying to reframe my understanding of my own guilt and responsibility for my behaviors, and trying to realize I cannot be guilty or responsible for another's actions. But to make that what Lent will be about for me this year? I don't know. I want to, but I'm worried about what others might think.

And that's when I realized it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is between God and me. I feel led to this by Him, and that is all the reason I need.

My counselor asked me to add a proviso to it because I tend to beat myself for failing at things. So I've added this line --

recognize that trying to fast from these feelings is a success even if I have trouble on any given day

I admit I'm a bit nervous still about this one. It still feels self-centered to me, but I'm working on it. I'm going to spend time searching for scriptures on God's love for me.

My Lenten season will be about resting in God's love. That seems a sound way to invite Easter into my life.

Blessings.

linking up with Imperfect Prose and Just Write

Isobel the Turtle

linking up with Wordless Wednesday & The Jenny Evolution

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . March 4, 2014

Outside my window . . . gray, overcast skies -- remnants of snow and ice from yesterday's storm that moved through -- 22*. I'm hoping for a little bit of sunshine and a hight in the 40s.

I am thinking . . . how tired I've been the past couple of days. Ds had a stomach bug yesterday and I may have had a touch of it as well. I think mostly I'm just needing some sunshine and warmer weather. I understand more and more the older I get how winter can be so difficult for many people to survive.

I am thankful . . . that ds seemed better before bed last night, and he is still sleeping this morning.

In the kitchen . . . tonight I'm thinking we will have what was planned for last night -- pork tenderloin medallions, baby carrots, fingerling potatoes, and steamed asparagus. A good springtime dinner to encourage mother nature perhaps?

I am wearing . . . the usual.

I am creating . . . not much creative time lately. It would probably improve my mood and outlook if I made time for more creativity.

I am going . . . to counseling this morning and hopefully walking on the track with dd this afternoon.

I am wondering . . . about God's plans for me, and whether or not I am listening appropriately.

I am reading . . . since last week's post I've read The Brutal Telling by Louise Penny. It was really quite intriguing, as all of the Inspector Gamache books have been, but this one left me hanging. Waiting for the next in the series to become available from the library. In the meantime I am reading These Granite Islands by Sarah Stonich. I've got several more titles on hold from the library. I just hope they don't all become available at once!

I am looking forward to . . . some "me" time. Thursday is my birthday and I traditionally try to take the day for myself. I am also doing a Quiet Day and a Silent Retreat later this month with Dovehouse Ministries.

I am hearing . . . dd showering and listening to music. Otherwise things are silent. That deep silence that comes with winter.

Around the house . . . just general picking up and some dusting are in order. We need a new sofa for the den, but I'm having trouble getting motivated to shop for one.

I am praying . . . for the situation in Ukraine. My bestie and her husband are deeply involved in YouthReach International and the work they do with orphans there. Please pray with me for a resolution to the struggles there, as well as the safety of all the Ukrainian people.

One of my favorite things . . . is feeling positive and focused. I'm missing those right now. On the hunt today!

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . RITI breakfast to prepare. Tea with a friend in the morning. Planning for Lent. Bible study (and my birthday) on Thursday. Friday I'm getting a bit of pampering, and right now there are no specific plans for the weekend. 

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

a bit of artwork from the storm yesterday

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

February's Most Read Post: Surviving in Numbers

a repost --

Earlier this week I posted this as my Facebook status --

Number of abusers: 6 / Years since abuse stopped: 22 / Years since I first told anyone: 13 / Years married to a wonderful supportive man: 28+ / Children: 2 / Blog posts read: over 80,000 / Friends who support me daily: innumerable 

It was the result of having looked at this Surviving in Numbers post via Tumblr.

After posting my status I got that old feeling again. The one where my body starts telling me I've done something really bad. My head begins to hurt. My shoulders round over my body. My stomach beings to grumble. My breathing becomes shallow.

I kept looking back at my impromptu list, and thinking I should revise it. I should have given it more thought before throwing it out into the universe. I should have explained certain things. 

And that's when I saw it. The "shoulds" had returned. 

I used to live my life based on a very long list of "shoulds". Most of them had something to do with what others might think about me or my family if I expressed my feelings. 

I saw those lists of numbers that other survivors had posted and it made me think about my experiences in a numerical way. The first number that popped into my head was the number of abusers. When I started this journey, I believed there was 1. One person who had made me do some things I wished I hadn't done. Years of talking and journaling have led me to understand that that one person abused me. I had no choice or control in any of it. All that work also made it possible to recognize other people and events as abusers and abuse. 

The next number that popped into my head was how many times it had happened. The problem with that number is that I have no idea. I think I "should" know, but I don't. There is a part of me that wants and needs to catalog each episode so that I can categorize and order them, because that will somehow help me understand them. Wishful thinking. Maybe even magical thinking. 

At that point I stopped thinking and just started typing. Realizing that the list could go on and on. 

Number of therapists I tried to get some help from: 8

Number of years since the abuse started: 48

Number of journals filled with writing: at least 10

Number of magazine articles written: 1

Number of groups I've spoken to about abuse: 4

Number of blog posts about the abuse: over 200

Number of degrees obtained: 3 (high school, college, masters level)

Number of years of mothering: 24

And that's the point at which I understood what the Tumblr post was really about. It's not about the abuse. It's about what I've done in spite of the abuse. For me, the abuse has provided a platform, but it's a platform that has led to so much more than dealing with abuse. 

I am a survivor, but more importantly I am a wife, mother, librarian, writer, reader, cook, artist, and child of God. The only things that really matter.

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Choose

Every morning I get to choose.

Is today going to be a positive experience or a negative one.

I can't control what will or won't happen. How other people will treat me or respond to me. I can't control the news or the weather or the sunrise or the sunset.

What I can do is choose how I react. I can choose to remember what blessings I have. I can choose to share what I have. I can choose to love others and myself. I can choose to focus on God and not my current worries or concerns.

I don't get it right ever day. At least part of most days, I don't choose well, but I keep coming back again and choosing all over.

Today I choose to see the positive: a good night's sleep -- tea and juice and biscuits for breakfast -- a good chat with my son -- mindfulness -- plans for the day that honor others and me.

I choose to be beautiful!

linking up with Five Minute Friday

The Chifferobe

Describe the most vivid dream you can remember.

I am standing in my bedroom in the house I grew up in. My great-grandmother's chifferobe is on the wall in front of me. It is covered in heavy layers of dust and dirt and mud and excrement. It is disgusting to look at and even worse to touch.

I am compelled to go to it. To try and clean it off. I begin to brush away the detritus and see that there are mouse droppings, cobwebs, and dead bugs mixed in with the dirt and grime. But I must open the chifferobe. 

I open the door and see more dust and cobwebs. Old rotting clothing hangs from wire hangers, but I sense something. I push the rotting clothes away and see sunlight. I smell fresh, clean air. There is beauty and freedom beyond the disgust, but I will have to work through all the dirt and excrement to get to it. 

I am afraid, but I crave the beauty I sense beyond the horror.

And so I begin to clean.

linking up with Writer's Workshop, Imperfect Prose, and Just Write