It's 6 hours not 40!

Well it's Friday and I've survived a full week (really almost 1 1/2 wks) of unemployment. Now keep in mind I only worked 6.25 hours per week. So the reality is by quitting I only gained a portion of a day, but somehow I had convinced myself that this would require a total overhaul of my lifestyle. I even said to a friend on Monday, "It's only 6 hours. It's not like I quit a full time job." Nonetheless, by Tuesday I was racked with panic, anxiety and self-loathing for the way I was wasting my life!

I always planned to be a stay at home mom, but in today's society it's not as easy as you'd think -- especially by the time your kids are as old as mine. I have one in college and one in high school, and while they both live at home, let's face it, it's more like having four adults in the house most of the time. I don't really want or need to spend to all day cleaning, ironing, baking and cooking. I could. Don't get me wrong, my house is far from immaculate! There are just things I'd rather do.

So, I'm taking a deep breath and making a list (I LIVE for lists!) of things I'd like to do/try while not under huge time constraints. Yesterday I made 6 prayer strands and 2 rosaries; did the laundry; picked my son up from school; cooked dinner for our family and another family; took my son to the craft store; cleaned up from the cooking; and actually got a chance to talk with all the people I live with. In my world that's a worthwhile day and that's all that really matters.

It's my first full week of unemployment. I am going back and forth between happy and scared. I don't want to waste this time, but I want to enjoy it. On the one hand a plan would be great, but on the other hand it would be nice to just let things come as they will. So what will I do today? Laundry, exercise, make fresh corn chowder (it's cooler here today), write some, read some, maybe pull out the sewing machine and look at some fabric. I'm still trying to figure out who/what I want to be when I grow up (afterall I'm only 47!).

Two good lessons yesterday at church. One was the first in a series on being "Wholly Holy" and the other was "Clues from Monastics". If you get the chance check out St. Benedict's 12 Step Ladder of Humility:

1. "Always have the fear of God before our eyes" -- practicing the presence of God

2. Distrust my own will and accept God's will

3. Accept limits

4. Accept injuries, difficulties and hardships as blessings

5. Hide nothing

6. Practice contentment with the "meanest and worst of everything"

7. See ourselves as "the lowest and the vilest"

8. Follow trustworthy guides

9. Do not judge

10. Empathy with others' losses

11. Speak gently, briefly and not much

12. Also take on an exterior that is also humble

(w/thanks to Lee Camp)

Remember, God is not surprised by anything I do and He is not out to get me. I'm not where I need to be, but thank God, I'm not where I used to be!

Voluntarily Unemployed

So after 18 mos of considering it, I finally did it yesterday. I resigned from my part time job. Keep in mind I worked 6 hours a week as a reference librarian. Great library. Beautiful facility w/a million dollar addition to open in about 3 weeks. Terrific collection. Plenty of money to buy new materials. Music, movie, tv shows, audio books, lots of new fiction. The list goes on and on. I started there in 2002 working with 3 lovely lady librarians. We had fun. They took me in and made me feel part of the team even though I was only there a few hours a week. It was more like a playdate than work! Long story short, over time 2 of the lovely ladies left. One was replaced by another lovely, albeit younger, lady. The other was replaced by the one person I didn't want to have the job. Just one of those people you'd rather not spend a lot of time around. Never quite trusted her. She got on a little too well with the administrator. I told myself it would be okay. Made the best of it, but when she started creating numbers to make me look bad, I had to take a stand. I went to the administrator. He told me I was nitpicky. Just admit I'm sub-standard and let it go. I went to HR. He agreed there was problem. Don't leave. Lets see what we can do. Nothing changes. I go to the City Manager (it's a city library). He doesn't see that having a supervisor lie to and about an employee is a big deal. Now lets remember I work 6 HOURS a week. I don't know how much time, money and manpower went into discussing this -- but they never did anything.

So yesterday I walked into yet another meeting to discuss the situation and told them I was done. Gave my letter of resignation and in under 5 minutes I was out of there. I thought I'd be really upset and sat, but instead I was almost giddy. Don't get me wrong. I'm really gonna miss all those super nice library ladies (but will still do dinner, drinks, movies, chatting). I'm gonna miss helping patrons. I'm gonna miss simply being surrounded by all the great books and stuff. And I feel really badly for all those nice people that are stuck with all the crap. But mostly I just feel like a weights been lifted and it feels great right now.

I'm not sure where this blog is going, but this is the beginning. Stay tuned!