Saturday, April 30, 2011

Saturday Poetry -- Because I Love Her

Several years ago someone gave me this poem. Since that time is has been in a prominent place in my work area. I saw it this morning; read through it again and couldn't help thinking how appropriate it was for me after the work I've done this week. It is longer than my usual post, but I hope you'll take the time to read it and the accompanying scriptures. Blessings!

Because I Love Her

I made her . . . she is different. She is unique.
With love I formed her in her mother's womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day
I created her.
(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh.
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her.
(Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful,
Because I knew her heart,
And knew she would be vain . . . 
I wanted her to search out her heart
And to learn that it would be Me in her
That would make her beautiful . . . 
And it would be Me in her
That would draw friends to her.
(I Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way,
That she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome that she
would like to be . . . 
Only because I want her to turn to Me
in her loneliness . . . 
Only because I need for her to learn and 
depend on Me . . . 
I know her heart, I know if I had not made
her like this
She would go her own chosen way
And forget me . . .  her Creator.
(Psalm 62:5-8)

I gave her many good and happy things . . . 
Because I love her.
(Psalm 84:11 & Romans 8:32)

Because I love her,
I have seen her broken heart . . . 
And the tears she's cried alone.
I have cried with her,
And had a broken heart, too.
(Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone
Only because she would not hold My Hand.
So many lessons she's learned the hard way
Because she would not listen
To My Voice . . . 
(Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have sat back
And sadly watched her go her merry way alone,
Only to watch her return to My Arms,
sad and broken.
(Isaiah 66:2)

And now she is Mine again . . . 
I made her, and then I bought her . . . 
Because I love her.
(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her . . . 
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me.
(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image . . . 
This high goal I have set for her,
Because I love her.
(2 Corinthians 2:14)

Friday, April 29, 2011

Feel Good Friday -- April 29, 2011

In honor of the Royal Wedding on Friday, use your royal wedding guest name. Start with either Lord or Lady. Your first name is one of your grandparents' names. Your surname is the name of your first pet, double-barreled with the name of the street you grew up on. Let's do this!

Mine is Lady Evelyn Dita-Woodmont
Dd is Lady Liselotte Anouk-Brentlawn
Ds is Lord Byron Java-Hewlett
Ds's gf is Lady Marcelene Sascha-Summerview
Dh is Lord Dempsey Henry-LakeAire

So what names did you come up with? Inquiring minds want to know!

For more Feel Good Friday posts, swing on over to lia sophia tomgirl. Link up and leave a comment : )

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Thankful Thursday -- April 28, 2011

I ran across a quote this week, "This search for the truth, it's not for the faint hearted."  (Robert Goran, Law & Order: CI). I couldn't agree more, especially in relation to dealing with childhood sexual abuse.

The last couple of weeks have found me dealing with a variety of topics and abuse issues. My therapist and I began working several weeks ago on the final abuse event -- a rape in college. It raised a lot of anger toward my parents and other family members. I do not believe any of them responded in an appropriate or helpful way when I shared the episode with them.

Then along came spring. The harbinger of abuse when I was a child. Last week while walking through my neighborhood, I was drawn to a row of blooming honeysuckle bushes. This is what I wrote in my journal that day --

As I was walking I came upon a bunch of honeysuckle bushes just starting to bloom.
 I walked over to them to smell the flowers. Honeysuckle is a mixed blessing in my life. 
We had honeysuckle bushes in the backyard. I remember smelling them when I played outside and later when I dissociated. The day/night of the worst abuse by ****, I dissociated and went outside. The honeysuckle was just blooming. The air was cool with a hint of heat leftover from the afternoon sun. The grass was soft and new, and just a little cool on my bare feet. It was this time of year – April or early May. That’s where so much of this emotion and pain is springing from. It was this time of year when he took me to the study and raped and sodomized me. He humiliated me in my father’s “sacred” space. He called me horrible names, and accused me of wanting him to do those things to me – of actually enjoying the abuse he meted out to me.
 I dissociated and left the study to survive the onslaught of pain and terror. 
I felt safer in the open space of my backyard than I did in my own house.
Once outside I sat in the grass. I smelled the honeysuckle. 
I listened to the cars driving down the street, and to the families reuniting after a day of work and school. Mostly I sat and didn’t think about what was going on in that room. And I waited.

So what does any of this have to do with Thankful Thursday? Everything. I am thankful to have survived the abuse -- to have discovered I am not crazy -- to be learning to trust myself -- to have found people who believe and support me -- to have found my voice after all these years. But mostly I am so glad that I have loving Father who never abandoned me, and for whatever reason, I never left Him. 

The rest of my journaling for that day -- 

The honeysuckle and the evening air and the weather are the triggers that bring clarification and pain. The clarification is good. I am not crazy. The body remembers. The pain is just more of the same. It will ease with time and talk.
 But it will reverberate through the rest of my life.
I feel less stress now than I did earlier. I feel more in control. I am sad, and still worried that I am only shallow and self centered -- the two things I most want not to be.

Validation of my sanity is a big thing to me. I am blessed when it is God who reminds me of who I am and what my value is.

So to you, my compassionate witnesses, I offer my gratitude on this Thankful Thursday.


For more Thankful Thursday posts click here Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Simple Woman's Daybook -- April 26th

Outside my window . . . it is raining -- again. After the flooding here last May, the amount of rain and storms we've gotten this April is making us all a little uneasy. Praying for safety for all today.

I am thinking . . . about a day at home. Things I need to do and things I just want to do.

I am thankful for . . . a better day than expected yesterday.

From the learning rooms . . . ds got to visit a hospital yesterday for his anatomy and physiology class. They toured the ER, the labs, and the imaging department.

From the kitchen . . . double duty on Sunday! Dinner (lunch) was traditional Easter fare for us: sliced ham, potato salad, rolls, green bean casserole, and carrot cake with cream cheese icing. Supper wound up being another whole meal with unexpected guests: oven fried tilapia, potato salad (leftover from lunch), steamed broccoli with butter and garlic, baby carrots, and the rest of the cake. Monday was clean out the fridge night!

I am wearing . . . pj pants, tank top and a big chambray shirt

I am creating . . . still crocheting -- the shawl and the amigurumi.

I am going . . . to attempt to stay up to date on this study of Esther! Wish me luck! 

I am reading . . . To Darkness into Death by Julia Spencer-Fleming. I really love this series, but I have to tell you I'm just not feeling this one.

I am hoping . . . to keep the positive momentum going around here.

I am hearing . . . light rain and not much else. Shouldn't I hear ds in the shower by now?

Around the house . . . dh bought all the wood this weekend to complete the cabinet for the bathroom renovation. Once that's done, just a few more odds and ends and we can call it a complete remodel!

One of my favorite things . . . is having everyone at home and happy in the evenings.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . mostly just the usual. Film Noir class is over and I only missed one movie, but it was a true classic -- Sunset Boulevard. I'm hoping to watch it on Netflix later this week.

Here's a picture for thought I'm sharing . . .

These precious little girls were at the Celebration Walk on Saturday.
Unbelievably adorable!