Old Habits and Springtime

It's Sunday and I don't usually post on Sundays. A lot has been going on in my head lately, and I haven't been taking the time to address it. As a child, I learned to ignore the bad stuff that happened and brush it aside whenever it would return to my psyche. Old habits die hard. I've been brushing stuff aside lately, and it doesn't really work. It's a temporary fix that bleeds over into other ways of coping. For me that usually includes beating up on myself, overeating, vegetating, and sleeping too much. It also includes isolating myself. I figure if I don't want to be around me, why would anyone else.


The weekend is supposed to be a fun time. Lots of fun and family togetherness. That's the Hallmark version, and sometimes it is just like that. But sometimes, weekends are just stressful. Too many people, too many agendas, too many "supposed to's". Is it just me? I don't really think so. 


Then there is springtime. Everyone looks forward to it. I do. I love the green growth of new life and the blue skies. The longer days are a blessing. And Zyrtec helps me cope with allergies. But springtime also reminds my body of bad things. Not specifics -- more the prelude to what is to come. Most of the abuse I suffered happened in the summer. So warm weather is a mixed blessing. I want to be thrilled by springtime. I want to be happy and giddy. But there is that part of me that still prepares for what is to come -- even though it's not going to happen anymore. How long does it take to un-train your psyche and body from bad habits that were built on fact? It was beneficial years ago to prepare for the onslaught, now not so much.


It takes a lot to reprogram your mind and body. I've been working on it for years. My therapist reminded me the other day that even though I have bad days, they aren't like they were before. They aren't fun. I do feel badly. Sometimes I have physical pain along with the psychic pain. But it is better. Maybe it won't ever go away, but I can keep fighting it and winning. 


Some days are just harder than others.