Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Memories, Dissociation, and Flashbacks

Today while working on some of my history, I took an unpleasant stroll down memory lane. I went to an episode that I worked hard to forget, and have lately been working hard to retrieve. I am frequently amazed, and a little frightened, by what the human mind retains and releases.

I can describe the room in techni-color detail. What the backyard looked like. What Mrs. Rosa was wearing in her backyard. I can hear her calling her little, fluffy, white dog. I can feel the cool grass of evening and hear people coming in from work. What I can't tell you is where my parents had gone; whether it was spring or fall; if I'd already had dinner; or what would happen once I was in my pajamas. Time and memory are said to be fluid. What does that mean about truth and memory?

This is what I know -- bad things happened to a little girl who didn't deserve it (no child deserves to be hurt). No one was there to comfort and console her at the time, so I must comfort and console her now, retrospectively. It isn't as effective, but at least she's not alone now. So now I'll put on my warm jammies, get my new doll (Ruby) and pop in a pleasant movie. Relax, unwind and remember that all the hurt is in the past. I got through it then; I'll get through the memory of it now.


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