five minute friday :: abandon

abandon -- give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking)

It's been a rough 18 months for me. There have been major life changes, a lot of hurt and worry, stress, anxiety, and guilt. Maybe I'm beginning to come through on the other side.

I've had to abandon some dreams and recognize false assumptions. And that's really difficult. I can be idealistic at times. Always the optimist, I'm likely to keep giving people chances long after any reasonable person would.

I really want to believe the best of everyone. I want to believe that each person wants to improve and change as much as I do. That everyone is willing and able to work as hard as I have to overcome adversity. Optimism is a great approach to life until it becomes tainted with unrealistic expectations, and then it can lead you down some rabbit trails that will make you dizzy and sick until you acknowledge the need for a new start.

Abandoning unreality is a good thing. I tend to have a negative connotation of the word abandon, but the reality is the word is neither good nor bad. It's all about context. No, I shouldn't abandon my children or those who are truly in need. I will never abandon my faith, and there are friends that I know will never abandon me. But I can't really abandon something that was never there or is no longer there.

I'm changing my perspective on that word (because I'm all about words!) and moving forward in realistic optimism and possibility.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Breathe -- Five Minute Friday

I've been trying to catch my breath for the past 5 months. Lots of changes in my world. Lots of obstacles -- physical, emotional, and spiritual. 

I have asthma, and stress makes it worse. So there's been trouble both literally breathing and figuratively breathing. 

I've double downed on my spiritual and emotional work. I've tried to keep the house clean and not to be too hard on myself for struggling. I got some new meds and adjusted some activities and behaviors (I hope temporarily). There have been times I've thought this was just the way it was going to be for the rest of my life. (I can be pretty black and white, absolute in my thinking!)

A couple of weeks ago I realized I was breathing easier literally and figuratively. I tried not to over analyze it. When the opportunity arose for a long weekend at the beach, I didn't think about it. I just grabbed it.

That's how I find myself sitting on the balcony of my condo with a view of the beach breathing in salt air and practically watching some of the stress melt away. 

Trusting in God is like breathing. Sometimes it's harder than others. 

I'm just glad for the opportunity to trust . . . and breathe.

Blessings.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

First

There is the "first" you feel good about and then there is the "first" you wish had never happened. The one you hope will be an "only".

We've all had them. The first kiss, the first birth, the first anniversary. I'm guessing we've all had the other kind as well -- the first wreck, the first fight, the first major illness. 

Last year (2015) had some of that second kind . . . unfortunately. And 2016 has had some already as well. The thing about those "firsts" is they seem scary and daunting until that first one is behind you. We begin to roll with the punches pretty quickly, for good or bad.

None of us knows what this year will bring. That's the good news/bad news of the future. What we do know is that God is with us in all things. He will guide us and sustain us if we allow Him to. We are the only things that keep God from being the centerpiece -- our touchstone. 

I don't know what other firsts may show up this year. God is the original miracle worker. What I do know is whatever "firsts" He has in store for me, He will use to bring me closer to Him if I will let him.

Blessings.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

Find

I'm looking for a solution. 

I'm looking for something that got lost along the way. 

I'm looking for a promise. 

And while I look I'm holding out hope. 

Marriage is hard and wonderful. Being with someone you love and who loves you seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world. Living with someone who grew up in a different house with different expectations and experiences is one of the toughest things in the world.

I'm on a treasure hunt right now. I'm looking and hunting and hoping. Because I really, REALLY want to find what's been lost along the years and the struggle of long-term marriage. 

I want to find the joy and companionship and comfort and peace and ease that comes from being with a trusted, dear friend. 

I'm in this hunt for the long haul and I won't stop until I find all of that good stuff again.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

I Am a Writer

I am a writer.

I’m not sure the first time I applied that to myself. I’ve felt that I was a writer my entire life, but it seemed too lofty a title to apply to me. Writers are people like Hemingway and L’Engle. Hawthorne and Thoreau. My father was a literature professor. He taught about writers. Clearly I did not belong in that illustrious list.

But in my heart I wrote. In the third grade, I wrote a play about pilgrims that our class presented to the entire school. I have no memory of writing the play, nor do I have a copy of it, but I have a mental picture of myself dressed as a pilgrim in my black dress, white apron, and white cap. My bangs are in disarray, but I’m smiling my snaggletooth grin, as I stand front and center on the stage taking a bow as the author.

I wrote vociferously all through middle school and high school. Pouring out angst on to lined notebook paper. Writing all the things I couldn’t say aloud for fear of judgment or humiliation, and then I would rip those pages to shreds and throw them into trashcans, humiliated and embarrassed by my own self-centeredness and gall.

In later years I attempted to keep a diary, but I was so concerned with someone else finding it and reading it that I was hampered in expressing my reality. So those diaries looked more like log books of daily occurrences and “appropriate” commentary on life. It wasn’t until I began to acknowledge the abuse I suffered as a child that I began to write in my true voice, and even then I worried that I was creating – writing not my true voice, but the voice I thought I should have.  It took 9 years before I put anything out for public consumption -- a leap of terrifying faith in myself to post a blog. Who could possibly care what I had to say? Surely the world would come crashing down on me for having the nerve to share what I thought and felt.

I’ve been writing regularly for nearly 6 years. I write something almost every day. I don’t need someone else to validate it, but it’s nice when that happens. I write because that’s the best way for me to stay connected with my own voice. Sure I write for other people, and I always hope that my words help someone else in some way, but mostly I write because I want to, because I love it. I love doing it and having done it and having evidence of what goes on in my brain.

linking up with On Being a Writer and Yeah Write

`          

: : Learn

I learn every day whether I acknowledge it or not. I learn to trust. To obey. To believe. To have faith. To be brave. 

It's a constant in my life. I learn something new most days. Some days I learn the same lesson over and over again. 

I used to believe that if I had to learn a lesson more than once it proved I was stupid or stubborn. Now I see those repeated episodes as reminders, reinforcements. I learn on a deeper level as I grow and mature. I learn different levels as I have new experiences. I learn nuance from new people in my life. I learn a new perspective because learning must never be stagnant. It's organic -- like life. Ever changing. Ever moving. To learn is to grow.

And I want to keep growing because if I ever stop, I'll die.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Try

: to make an effort to do something : to attempt to accomplish or complete something

: to do or use (something) in order to see if it works or will be successful

: to do or use (something) in order to find out if you like it

I try every day.

I try harder. I try new ideas. I try different approaches.

That's how I live this life every single day. I try. I may not accomplish much. I may not succeed. I may not like it. But I try.

And that's the point isn't? We can't guarantee results, outcomes, success, but we can try. And if that doesn't work, well we can try again or differently. 

The key is not to beat me up when the trying doesn't bring the wanted result. The key is to give me credit for the trying. For getting up one more time and attempting to keep moving forward. Some days it's a cake walk. Easy-peasy. Other days . . . not so much. 

So I try. Not to please others, but for God and me.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

ten

:: we are human beings, not human doings

:: you are the universe in ecstatic motion -- Rumi

:: take time for the quiet moments, as God whispers when the world is loud

:: let us cherish our one precious life

:: gratitude is the sign of noble souls -- Aesop

:: i think i fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul

:: integrity is choosing thoughts and actions based values rather than personal gain

:: instructions for living a life . . . pay attention . . . be astonished . . . tell about it --  Mary Oliver

:: this is your day. make it stand out from the rest

:: grant me holy confidence

linking up with Five Minute Fridays

free

"i was a free man in Paris . . . i felt unfettered and alive"

the first words that came to me.

i'm working on freeing myself from shoulds, oughts, and musts. it's hard work. but what i keep seeing is that's the lesson YHWH provides. i am free in Him. 

"what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God"

that's freedom. i am unfettered and alive in Christ. because of His gift, i am free.

and i keep categorizing because it helps me adjust my view -- one click at a time. is this an act of prayer? of community? of renewal? of work? or some combination of them? does it matter?

i am free in Christ as i live in truth (John 8:32)

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Gift

"Simple Gifts" -- the first thing that comes to mind.

Gifts are wonderful in all shapes and sizes. Simple gifts are the best. The small tokens of remembrance. The realization that each day -- each moment -- is a gift to be treasured. The air I breathe. The food I eat. The clothes I wear. The friends who know me and love me in spite of me.

A song well sung.

A sunset.

A cool breeze.

A glass of iced tea.

Kindness from a friend.

A moment of calm.

All are gifts to be appreciated. To be noted and remembered. Because when all is said and done those are the gifts with true meaning. The gifts that bring us closer to each other.

"Look Doris, someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile." -- Fred Gailey, "Miracle on 34th Street" (1947)

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Rise

It's been a tough week here in blogland. Not much writing and too much stress. At first I felt guilty about not filling this space with words of healing and encouragement. Then I was angry at circumstances that were interrupting my regular routine. This morning when I saw the FMF prompt, I knew there had been a lesson for me this week.

Rise. 

I am called to rise above the hardships and struggles I face. Some of those struggles are fairly minor, but others can feel as if I'm being sucked down into tar or quicksand. The idea of rising above it all seems impossible. Rise above the lack of sleep or kitchen full of messy dishes. Rise above bad moods and stress inducers. Not the "put on your happy face" rise above it all, but really strive to rise above while being real and authentic.

And here's the real thing I learned this week. If I am called to rise, that means God knows there are going to be low spots, low times. If He didn't know, there'd be no call to "Rise", because there'd be nothing to rise from. 

I look back on a week of struggles and find I'm able to rise above it all and be grateful in the process. I am able to rise above the madness because I'm not alone.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Meet

I try to meet other's needs. It's part of my make-up, but it's also a lasting effect of childhood abuse. 

The belief that if I figure out and provide for someone else's (abuser's) needs, I will be safe, loved, accepted.

fulfill, satisfy, fill, measure up to, match (up to), conform to, come up to, comply with, answer -- "he does not meet the job's requirements"

What I'm learning is the only person I am responsible for in that way is me. God wants me to take care of me. And by taking care of me (creating safety, loving, and accepting) I will do His will and help other people in the process.

Meeting my needs is a new endeavor. There's a learning curve for me in this process. But I'm taking it one step at a time, and trusting in God to show me how to honor Him by honoring me.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

Hide

I know how to do that. I did it for years. Hide from others. Hide from myself. Hide from God.

It's hard work, this hiding. Keeping all my real, true feelings inside. Trying to figure out what everyone else wanted me to be, think, feel.

What I didn't realize during all those years is I wasn't hiding anything from God. I was just hurting myself by cutting off the greatest support system in the world.

He already knew it all. He knew more about me than I did. He knew I'd been abused. He knew I was scared and why I was scared. He was just waiting for me to turn to Him because His arms were wide open all that time.

I try not to hide now. I try to tell the truth. I trust in Him to guide to the people to share with and keep me from the people that will harm me. I don't always succeed, and it can be really scary not hiding. But hiding is like holding your breath. You can only do it for so long. 

I am breathing easier now.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Relief

a feeling of cheerfulness or optimism that follows the removal of anxiety, pain, or distress: I breathed a 
sigh of relief

It's a good news/bad news dilemma. Easter is past, and I feel relief. 

Easter is a time of celebration and joy, but each year I'm hampered by the call to feel a certain way. An enforced happiness because I am a Christian. Springtime brings a new set of triggers for me. A rape that took place in the spring, many years ago. Reminders come. It is the nature of trauma for it to rear its head. I've written about it before, and each year it's a bit easier.

So it's a relief for me to have Easter behind me. I remind myself there is no biblical imperative to acknowledge Easter in a different or more extravagant way than any other Sunday. I focus on the love of God -- to send His son as a gift for me. 

And I'm reminded of one of my favorite homilies. It comes from the movie Chocolat, an unexpected source of pleasure and learning for me. 

Père Henri: I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His kindness, His tolerance... Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create... and who we include.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Good

It's been a good week. I've had some "ick" to deal with from abuse issues, but I've been handling them. 

I did better at more positive self-talk. Less criticism, more compassion. So that's good.

I've gotten some physical activity almost every day, and I've eaten well -- read not obsessed about every bite that goes into my mouth.

Dh and I got home from a long weekend in Los Angeles, and even got our Wednesday walk at Radnor Lake done.

I had tea with dd and enjoyed the chance to sit and chat with no agenda.

Ds asked me to make a cake for a friend's birthday last night, and I created a tasty one from what was in the pantry. It was enjoyed by all.

All of that is really good stuff, and I'm happy to have been kinder to myself this week. Maybe as kind to me as I try to be to others.

But what's really good about today? I'll share my husband's comment:

Why is it good Friday? According to one article I read, the original meaning of the word "good" was also "holy", so it is a holy day on which Jesus scarified himself for the world's sins... my sins... whatever the case, thank God he did... Have a blessed day...

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Break

Do I "break" -- fall apart, fragment, shatter -- or do I "break" -- pause, take a rest, a respite?

Another flashback. Another reminder of pain from the past. Knee jerk reactions to deny, run and hide, beat myself up. Is this the one that takes me down? The one that smashes me permanently? The heel of his palm to my nose. Searing pain that leaves me staggering, ripe for the attack that follows.

My husband points out that it means I fought back. And he never showed up at my door again. It was the last attack. Something good from this latest reminder of pain? 

So I write about it. I cry on the massage table. I talk to my husband. My therapist. I seek help. I feel all those feelings again -- fear, guilt, paranoia, self-loathing, denial.

I pause and take a respite. A retreat with my husband for the weekend. We may talk about it or we may put it aside for the time being. More than likely it will be a bit of both. 

But I choose the second definition. Because this time I get to choose.

linking up with Five Minute Friday and Writer's Workshop

Real

Last Saturday I faced some real life.

On Friday night my dog started having trouble breathing. She was 13 years old and had a heart murmur that was progressing to congestive heart failure. I was alone in the house since dh and ds were still out of town on their climbing trip. I texted my daughter (who works for our vet) and she said to bring Yaya in first thing Saturday morning.

We arrived at the clinic and they took Yaya for x-rays. They gave her shots to help ease the situation. Then they started her on oxygen. As I sat holding the oxygen mask for Yaya I began to accept the situation for what is was. I would be going home without her. 

My first thought was, "I don't want this to happen!" But reality kicked in and I had to accept that this is real life. Real life includes loss. 

I began to talk to Yaya, telling it was going to be okay. I told her about the other dogs she would meet on the other side -- what I like to think of as the Elysian Fields. When the vet came in to check on her, I told him I didn't want her to suffer. This wasn't about me. It was all about what was in her best interest. 

We moved her to an exam room, and he gave her a sedative. As my daughter and I stood and loved on Yaya, her breathing relaxed and the panic in her eyes disappeared. We stroked her fur and whispered words of love and encouragement. She slipped away. And we cried. Not for her, but for the realness of her leaving. 

Real live is messy and tough, but it's also full of wonder and love and affection. 

RIP in Yaya.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Plan

I love making a plan!

I love the list. The orderliness of it all. I love seeing it all written out -- so easy to mark off as I accomplish each item.

A plan keeps me focused on the needs/wants of the day. It tells me what to do next.

But lately, execution has been my problem. I'm not sure what it is exactly. In the past a list was all I needed to get it done. Now it seems that the list has lost it's power, and I'm wondering if the list was just another "must do or else". 

Part of healing from childhood sexual abuse has been getting away from the "or else" mentality. That's a good thing. A healthy thing. But I'm struggling with what takes its place. Like the demon possessed man, I've got an empty spot and I need to fill it with something new, healthy, better.

So I'm rethinking my plan, and what drives it. I'm trying to find positive motivation for doing all the things on my list -- the housework and cooking and exercise and even fun things. 

Maybe I need a plan for that.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Gather

Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May

It's the first phrase that came to me. 

Today is my birthday. I like the idea of gathering of years of life and experiences. I'm in my fifties, but I don't dread birthdays. I still love them. A day all about me! A day to remember the past year and look forward to the next. 

This year I'm hoping to gather even more rosebuds. Learn more about myself and those I love. Gather in more memories and love to share and savor. 

Tonight I'll gather with some of the people I love best in the world to eat a meal of my choosing. To celebrate me. Tomorrow I will gather with my best friends and celebrate me some more while eating and laughing and talking and crafting. And I'll gather more joy and love to store up to look back on when things are feeling bleak.

Even if it's not your birthday, you don't have to wait to gather up the good things in life. Gather them while we may. 

Savor. Enjoy. Gather.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Visit

I had a visit with myself yesterday. I went for a massage and opened my mind up to a conversation with just me. No input from anyone else. No worrying about the opinions of others. Just me, checking in with myself and God. 

What do I want? What does God want for me and from me? Forget everyone else and all the shoulds and shouldn'ts. As the masseuse worked out the kinks and knots in my muscles, I felt my mind and heart opening up. Putting aside everything else to really look at what I want. And it felt good.

There weren't any epiphanies, but there was peace. True relaxation, and the realization that I need these visits more often (the massage and the conversation). That means more quiet time. Maybe finding a new place to go for a bit of quiet meditation and journaling. 

I'm going to calendar in regular visits with myself. Because I can't follow God if I don't take time to listen for Him. 

linking up with Five Minute Friday