Sacred Authenticity

It's 2016. Not sure how that happened as I fell off the blogging wagon back in 2015, but I'm back today. I'm not sure what's happening in 2016, but I suppose that's true for everyone.

I could talk about organizing and resolutions. Or I could talk about moving from one day to the next as best as I can. The reality is, that right now, in this moment, I only have this moment. That's it. And this moment has enough for me to handle.

Things have been rocky in my world lately. I won't go into all the details for a variety of reasons. I'm unclear on my future and whether or not there may be some big changes. I foolishly thought that by the time I was 53 I'd everything fairly settled and organized. I was wrong.

But I'm learning it's not unusual for me to be wrong. And I'm not alone. 

We all live with a certain false sense of security. I frequently believe that I'm the only one who doesn't have all her ducks in a row. The only one whose life isn't going just the way I dreamed it would. Why is it so difficult for us to admit how hard life can be? Why are we all (or maybe it's just some of us) so compelled to make comparisons?

I've worked hard to be able to live an authentic life. To be true to who I am. To accept the reality of my life and not play games or put up walls. But it's still really difficult to say, "No. I'm just sailing along on a stiff wind hoping and praying that I end up where God intends." Not because I don't trust Him, but because of the vagaries of life. 

I'm not sure what this place will look like in the coming months because I'm not sure what my life is going to look like in the coming months. But this much I do know. This place is important to me. I found a lot of myself in this place. I spoke truth here many times before I could literally speak it to another person in real life. And so I will continue to use this place as a testing ground. To recognize the gift it has been for me. A sacred place where I bared my soul to myself and others and learned it was okay to be who I really am.

Blessings to all of us in 2016.

Ramblings of a Disorganized Blogger

I write about my life here. I don't do much in the way of planning. I tend to sit down and start writing. 

I've struggled at times over how much detail to share of the abuse I went through. I've struggled over sharing other family members' information and issues. The one line I've truly tried to honor is my marriage. I only talk about the good stuff where my husband is concerned. I think that's a good plan, as I certainly wouldn't want him talking about all the things that I do that frustrate him to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

That being said, when my marriage is going through stuff it can be difficult to write without feeling as if I'm being inauthentic. I've always had a problem with full disclosure and lying/keeping secrets. On some level I believe that if I don't tell everything, I've lied. If I don't provide you with all the facts (evidence) then you can't make a fair assessment (judgment) of the situation. Of course all of that assumes I looking to you for validation, judgment, and/or approval. Which unfortunately I probably am.

Because ultimately it all comes back to trusting myself. My impressions. The idea that I must have misread the abusers because otherwise I would have known to stay out of their reach. Clearly a 5 year old has the skill and capability to read the nuances of a pedophile and remove themselves from harm's way. Right?

And that paragraph is why I write. Because it is in the writing it out that I see and understand the flaws in my reasoning. Flaws that were embedded by the abusers and the abuse. 

I think it's that way for most people whether they were abused or not. We all benefit from writing down ideas, concepts, and beliefs. It forces us to carry thoughts through to the logical conclusion, and often it's not until the very end of the process that we see the flaw in the logic.

So I write -- with little or no plan. Mostly to get the thoughts out. But I write in a public forum because I need input and responses, and I need to believe that I'm doing this out of more than just selfish motives.


linking up with 31 Days of Writing

Five Years

linking up with Wordless Wednesday

Why Blog?

Why and when did I start blogging . . . 

I wrote about it here back in 2009. I just wanted to give it a try, and suddenly found myself with a little free time and a lot of frustration. I was also in the midst of recovering from recognizing myself as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I wanted to find a way to tell my story and share with other people -- to aid my own healing, but hopefully to help others as well.

It took a while for me to feel it was okay to broach the abuse issues on a blog, and I was terrified of any form of criticism. What I found instead, was an online community that embraced my need to "talk", and actually appreciated my (sometimes) brutal honesty. Who knew!

So over the past 3 1/2 years I've talked about abuse survival, recovery, panic attacks, flashbacks, and memory pain. But I've also shared recipes, crocheting projects, sewing projects, poor housekeeping, attempts at organization, and photography. I've also found myself again, after years of sifting through the sh*t from my childhood. I see light again -- and not just at the end of the tunnel. Sure there are still bad days -- and occasionally bad weeks -- but the on the whole things are a lot better than they used to be. And I believe writing this blog and getting such positive feedback, has been hugely instrumental in that process.

So thanks to all my regular readers, and welcome all the new ones.

And thanks to whoever came up with this crazy idea called blogging in the first place.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Day 25 of 31

I read a lot of blogs. I comment occasionally. I am usually overwhelmed by the gifts I see in these blogs, and every once and a while underwhelmed. But mostly what I wonder is "Am I adding anything to this format?"
When I first heard about blogging is sounded like a lot of vanity to me. People writing about themselves and posting on the internet for all the world to see. And I wondered about my motivations in wanting to join the fray.
I tend to criticize the things I am most drawn to. Maybe it's just another way to denigrate myself. Maybe it's just what I felt was happening to me as I grew up. Either way, I think it's about time I stopped doing it.
For all the methods of communication we have in the modern world, there are still a plethora of lonely people. People who need interaction with others but have trouble for one reason or another reaching out. Blogging helps with the loneliness. 
It's not the same as a one on one conversation, but it has benefits. I have been pleasantly surprised at the inclusion I have felt. I have been even more surprised by the absence of judgment. Maybe I've just been lucky, but I don't think so. 
All of us, but especially women, need to feel connected to one another. Blogging is just another attempt in this crazy rat race life to connect.
So keep writing.

What's the Point?

I've been blogging for just over 3 years now, and I recently stopped while looking at my stats (I am a stats slut!) and wondered "What's the point?"

I write about a variety of things, but the majority has to do in some way with recovery from childhood sexual abuse. I write because it helps me process things, and I hope that my processing may help someone else.

But I also write to help me remember -- to remember the truth of the abuse; to remember that it really did happen; to remember that it (the abuse) causes most of the day to day struggles I have.

What I've found from writing it out is that
:: I am not alone. There are a lot of folks out there using blogging as a way to connect. And there are a lot of folks out there using it as therapy. And that's okay.
:: it's not a self-centered activity. For a long time I thought most blogging was just vanity. What I've found in my experience is it's not just vanity. It's an opportunity to connect in a concrete way, albeit through cyberspace.
:: feedback is important, but not vital. It's amazing how empowering it can be to have strangers pat you on the back and give me an "atta girl". I didn't get much of that growing up, so it's really nice to get some now. But it's also empowering to just get it said.
:: I've "met" some wonderful people through this process, and they have helped me in ways they may never fully realize.

So here's what I've decided. I blog because I like to. I've always wanted to write and be read. I want to write a book about my experiences, but I don't know if I have the skill . . . the patience . . . the strength. Blogging lets me test the waters. Test my strengths and weaknesses.

So thanks to all of you for your support over the past 3 years.

I'm not going anywhere, so stick around.

Blessings!

1000 +

Several weeks ago, I was reading through some of the blogs I follow. I came across a post about blogger stats, and that got me wondering, "Does anybody read my stuff?" Let's face it, in some ways blogging is the ultimate in self promotion. That being said, I enjoy reading other people's ramblings, so why shouldn't you enjoy mine?


Anyway, back to the point. After reading about "stats" I got interested in my own "stats". I went to Blogger Dashboard and clicked on the "Stats" tab. I am now addicted! I check each day to see how many people have looked at my blog(s) each day, and what the weekly, monthly and all-time numbers are. Last week I watched with anticipation as I neared 1000 views of this blog. I thought I'd do a quick post when I hit 1000, but of course I was out of town visiting and playing with my dd when it happened, so this is my homage to you, my readers, who got me to 1000. It's kind of neat that I hit it before my one year anniversary, which is later this month. I'm not likely to go "viral" anytime soon, but it is nice to know that there are a few folks out there reading my blathering, and hopefully some of that blathering helps you in some way. It sure does help me!