Sacred Authenticity

It's 2016. Not sure how that happened as I fell off the blogging wagon back in 2015, but I'm back today. I'm not sure what's happening in 2016, but I suppose that's true for everyone.

I could talk about organizing and resolutions. Or I could talk about moving from one day to the next as best as I can. The reality is, that right now, in this moment, I only have this moment. That's it. And this moment has enough for me to handle.

Things have been rocky in my world lately. I won't go into all the details for a variety of reasons. I'm unclear on my future and whether or not there may be some big changes. I foolishly thought that by the time I was 53 I'd everything fairly settled and organized. I was wrong.

But I'm learning it's not unusual for me to be wrong. And I'm not alone. 

We all live with a certain false sense of security. I frequently believe that I'm the only one who doesn't have all her ducks in a row. The only one whose life isn't going just the way I dreamed it would. Why is it so difficult for us to admit how hard life can be? Why are we all (or maybe it's just some of us) so compelled to make comparisons?

I've worked hard to be able to live an authentic life. To be true to who I am. To accept the reality of my life and not play games or put up walls. But it's still really difficult to say, "No. I'm just sailing along on a stiff wind hoping and praying that I end up where God intends." Not because I don't trust Him, but because of the vagaries of life. 

I'm not sure what this place will look like in the coming months because I'm not sure what my life is going to look like in the coming months. But this much I do know. This place is important to me. I found a lot of myself in this place. I spoke truth here many times before I could literally speak it to another person in real life. And so I will continue to use this place as a testing ground. To recognize the gift it has been for me. A sacred place where I bared my soul to myself and others and learned it was okay to be who I really am.

Blessings to all of us in 2016.

Hollow Times

It's flurrying outside my window. Thirty degrees with a cold wind blowing. The wind chimes have a hollow sound in the crisp, cold air. 

I've been feeling a bit hollow myself lately. Some struggles that have been intense. Intense in a different way than the childhood abuse issues that I know too well. I've been asking myself a lot of questions about choices and decisions I've made over the years. I've been thinking a lot about what I want from the future.

I haven't had any epiphanies or movie moment catharses, but I have been reminded again of my own strength. I've had to put into practice all the "training" I've been doing for the past years in therapy. I've studied situations and relationships. I've questioned my motives and desires. I've looked for and found evidence to support my reactions, but perhaps most importantly, I've been reminded, yet again, that secret keeping will kill you. Maybe not physically (although that is a possibility), but definitely emotionally. None of us were meant to live in a vacuum, and attempting to dwell there is a sure path to living death.

I've also been reminded that people are kinder and more generous than I imagine them to be. The abusers taught me that people can turn on a dime. I developed a "trust no one" mentality based on the actions of a few horrible people. That has led me to follow the same path in most of my relationships. And that is a lonely path. I've reached out this time, trusting that my circle of friends won't turn on me, and they haven't. They have lifted me up and supported me, with words of love and kindness and, well, support. 

I didn't mean to stop writing. Yet every time I tried to write it felt inauthentic. I've said before I write what I feel and experience. If what I'm feeling and experiencing is tied up in someone else's struggles I have difficulty sharing, because it's not all mine. 

The good news in all of this has been my ability to stand up for myself and have a good outcome. Everything isn't roses, but it's better. And it's true and real. 

A special thank you to my bestie for listening and giving humor, comfort, and advice. Also too, MLH in San Francisco for all the same and a chance to get out of town and have some fun. 

I hope I'm back to writing more regularly, because I missed it. 

Blessings.

More Thoughts on Sharing

I wrote a blog on Friday called Share. It was a link up to Five Minute Friday, and honestly was written out of the remnants of a bad week. I'd been sick with a fever and fatigue since Sunday. I had to cancel driving my husband to a business trip. I had to cancel everything for the whole week. My house was a mess. There was no home cooking. My son was clearly getting annoyed with me for not "taking care" of him (he's 21!). 

I was still trying to regroup from the previous week's encounters, and on Monday I found out via Facebook that a long time acquaintance/friend had died unexpectedly. Add to that, my hairstylist got fired, and it was just a bad week all around.

And on Friday morning there was that word -- Share. All I could think was maybe it would help me to process everything if I put it out there. I was right. It did.

I got some wonderful comments and I really appreciated them even if I didn't feel like responding to them at the time. But now that I've had time to reflect (and start to feel a bit better) I keep thinking about one comment in particular.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I've learned during my life to keep things to myself except for with a certain select group of people that I've come to trust because most people don't actually care, they're just curious and all too ready to pass judgment.

I know this feeling all too well. So let me clarify. I never intended to suggest that we all jump on the internet and share all of our deepest darkest fears and secrets. What I was trying to suggest was that we all need someone, maybe several someones, with whom we are truly authentic. 

I think more clearly by writing. I only talk to a select few people whom I feel I can trust completely (and occasionally larger groups with much less intimacy). I write because I can get it out there and I don't have to sit and watch someone's face while I say these things. I don't have to wonder what they're really thinking in the moment.

My husband and I went to visitation on Friday for our friend. It was incredibly crowded and my fever came back with a vengeance, so I wasn't feeling my best. We decided to leave rather than stand in line for hours, but on our way out we ran into a mutual friend. He and my husband were discussing the need for caring counselors in our current society. I offered up that I think more people are willing to talk with a professional these days because we don't open up to one another in the way small communities and close knit families used to because we live such insulated lives. We all put on out best faces and pretend everything's fabulous rather than risk judgment of our imperfections.

I believe God knew the profound vitality of sharing when he had James write

16 Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.
(James 5:16 NRSV)

Confession/sharing creates community and allows for authenticity. Maybe we've bought into the idea that if we're all good Christian people our lives will be perfect, and if they're not we have failed somehow. That's a Puritanical belief that Satan uses against us because it works.

Confession, in this context, isn't about judgment or punishment. It's about being open and letting others see our needs and our dark places, just as they share with us. It's a communal activity to bring us closer together. Not to drive us apart.

We have to let go of misconceptions and be honest with one another if we want to live an authentic life. If we want to live as Jesus did.

That's what I try to do in this space, because for me it's safer to share with the blogosphere than to share one on one. But at least it's a first step. 

Blessings.

Share

I share here all the time. I share the good news, the bad news, the silly news, and the sad news. 

I share because it helps somehow. Passing off some of the burden helps me out, and sharing the good stuff increases the joy and reminds me of it when the bad stuff rolls around again.

What I've found is there is no authenticity to life if I don't share. And that means sharing it all -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it doesn't just go one way. I need to hear your good and bad and ugly as well. It's the only way for me to feel truly connected.

A man died this week. I'd known him most of my life. He was a good man, but he'd struggled, and I wish I'd known about it so I could have been there to help him carry that load. I'm not mad at him. Maybe I just wasn't one of the people he felt comfortable sharing with, but I would have loved being there for him.

It can be scary sharing. There's a lot of judgment out there in our world, and none of us wants to be judged. We just want to be accepted and loved. 

So share your stories, people, even if they don't wrap up with pretty bows. It's the only way to really live a life worth living.

Blessings!

linking up with Five Minute Friday