Antiquing

We planned a day of shopping. Heading to a small town not far from home to look in some antique shops and then find a cozy place for lunch.

We chatted as our cruise director drove Frank, her truck. Talking as we always do about everything and nothing. There are four us and we've known each other for years and years. Old school friends which means we've known each other for over 35 years!

Linda is driving. She is the cruise director and owner of Frank. We tease and say if she goes first we'll never see each other again, any of us, because she coordinates everything. I've got shotgun because I get carsick, and my friends are understanding of that.

Miss Santra is behind me with her Route 44 Sonic drink. She never shows up without one. Usually with two. And rounding out the group is Caroline with her stack of catalogs, magazines, and newspapers to peruse while we drive. She is the fashionista of our bunch looking stylish today in straight jeans with white 3/4 length sleeved knit tunic and a fabulous hat I gave her from Mexico.

We arrive at out destination, park the car, and begin scoping out the town square. We wander into the first antique store (after noting the incredible number of vapor shops!). We each have our different preferences. Caroline loves old postcards. Miss Santra is all about furniture and toys. Linda likes dishes and salt & pepper shakers, and I am drawn to vintage linens and knick knacks.

We're having a good time. I run across an old enamel water dipper like I remember from my childhood. A dipper factors into a dissociative event, but on the whole it brings back positive memories. They all encourage me to buy it and hang in on my new deck. I'm happy that I've turned a potential trigger into a happy moment.

The third store is hot and stuffy. Jam-packed with all kinds of things, and 3 floors to traverse. We are all hot, tired, thirsty, and getting a bit hungry. Caroline has quizzed shop owners and found us a local diner for lunch. I've found a lovely vintage tablecloth to use on the deck, and Linda's found salt & pepper shakers.

We all trek up to the third floor where it is even hotter. It's dark and attic-like, but there is some great stuff up there. As I round the corner from the steps, someone says, "Ooh, look. Old farm equipment." 

At that moment I know I should get the hell out of Dodge, but I tell myself I'm fine. I just won't look at any of it. The truth is "I'm fine" is code for "get out now!", but I haven't quite learned to honor that feeling. 

I walk the perimeter of the room avoiding the area with the aforementioned objects. I'm doing pretty well (NOT) until I have to walk directly by the wall they are hanging on. Understand, I can't tell you a single item in the collection, but I know the look -- the heavy iron, rusted, and dirty. I know I need out of there. I know my friends won't judge me, but I can't make the move. Finally the fear of coming completely unhinged in this place forces me to announce, "I have to get out of here". 

Comments are made as I rush down the steps willing myself out of the store and into fresh air. Willing the panic to subside. Praying that I can deep-breathe this into submission.

I hit the air and breathe deeply, pressing my back against the store front. I see a bench and sit on it, trying to calm my breathing, but still internally berating myself. I'm making a scene. I just want attention. This is all an act. None of this is accurate, but it is what I hear in my head.

My friends appear. They ask questions -- Claustrophobic? Overheated? -- Linda looks at me and says "Bad memory". I nod my head and they kick into full friend mode. What do I need? A cold drink? Yes. Caroline and Miss Santra head off to get something. Linda asks if I want to be alone, and I practically scream, "NO!" She sits with me and I begin to apologize. She reminds me it's okay. I haven't done anything wrong and nobody is mad at me. I keep breathing and trying to quench the tears. I am so, so, so sorry for doing this to them.

The cold drinks arrive and we sit and sip and make plans. One more shop and then lunch. We head back to the car. Passing another shop I see a sign -- Never explain anything. Your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe it. -- It's a gift from God or the universe or whatever you want to call it. I comment on it to my friends, and they all agree.

Another trigger averted or at least dealt with. More lessons in coping, healing, and friendship remind me I will be okay when it happens again.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Hollow Times

It's flurrying outside my window. Thirty degrees with a cold wind blowing. The wind chimes have a hollow sound in the crisp, cold air. 

I've been feeling a bit hollow myself lately. Some struggles that have been intense. Intense in a different way than the childhood abuse issues that I know too well. I've been asking myself a lot of questions about choices and decisions I've made over the years. I've been thinking a lot about what I want from the future.

I haven't had any epiphanies or movie moment catharses, but I have been reminded again of my own strength. I've had to put into practice all the "training" I've been doing for the past years in therapy. I've studied situations and relationships. I've questioned my motives and desires. I've looked for and found evidence to support my reactions, but perhaps most importantly, I've been reminded, yet again, that secret keeping will kill you. Maybe not physically (although that is a possibility), but definitely emotionally. None of us were meant to live in a vacuum, and attempting to dwell there is a sure path to living death.

I've also been reminded that people are kinder and more generous than I imagine them to be. The abusers taught me that people can turn on a dime. I developed a "trust no one" mentality based on the actions of a few horrible people. That has led me to follow the same path in most of my relationships. And that is a lonely path. I've reached out this time, trusting that my circle of friends won't turn on me, and they haven't. They have lifted me up and supported me, with words of love and kindness and, well, support. 

I didn't mean to stop writing. Yet every time I tried to write it felt inauthentic. I've said before I write what I feel and experience. If what I'm feeling and experiencing is tied up in someone else's struggles I have difficulty sharing, because it's not all mine. 

The good news in all of this has been my ability to stand up for myself and have a good outcome. Everything isn't roses, but it's better. And it's true and real. 

A special thank you to my bestie for listening and giving humor, comfort, and advice. Also too, MLH in San Francisco for all the same and a chance to get out of town and have some fun. 

I hope I'm back to writing more regularly, because I missed it. 

Blessings.

dear ones

I've missed you all.

It's been over a week since I've had the time and inclination to visit this space. To write and share and visit and rest.

I didn't mean for it to happen. Circumstances got in the way and priorities became misaligned (or perhaps not). 

At first it felt like a personal failure. Then perhaps it was choice. I wondered if I'd made too much of this space. No one would miss me if I were gone. I didn't really need to be spending time and energy here when there was housework to be done and decorations to be placed. 

And then this morning I woke up and found Kate's prompt -- dear.

And all I could think was, "dear ones". That's all of you! My friends on the screen. My friends even though we've never met. My support staff in so many ways.

So I've missed you, dear ones. And clearly you missed me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

Nice to Meet You

I made a new friend this week. We've met before, but this week I decided it was time to really get to know her.

She's about my age and we have similar backgrounds. She's been through quite a bit and is still working on how to live her life to the fullest.

We talked about childhood and college. We talked about husbands and children, and what this new phase is feeling like. Grown-up kids making life choices and moving out. We have so much in common!

We talked about the hard stuff. I told her about a memory I have from college that is particularly painful, and she helped me see that understanding that might help with some current struggles I'm having. I was surprised at how much it helped just to say it out loud. (You'd think by now I'd know the benefit of that!)

We are planning on staying in touch as much as possible. Making time for regular get togethers and talks. It's difficult in this crazy busy life everyone seems to have, but there are some things -- some people -- you just can't let fall through the cracks.

I've determined that I really need to get to know her better, and that spending more time with her may really help me a lot.

Who is she? She's me. 

The real me. Not the internal voice of reprimands and criticisms, but the real me. The person I am/was when I strip away all the ick I've been trudging through. It's time I got to know her better.

linking up with Writer's Workshop 

A Circle of Women

It's been a tough few days. My friend, Robyn, died, and there was visitation and the funeral to deal with. For years I've said that the funeral isn't for the deceased but rather for those left behind to deal and cope with the loss. An introduction to the new normal, if you will.

I hadn't seen Robyn in at least 4 years. Which means I hadn't seen a lot of our mutual friends in a similar amount of time. The upside (if it's fair to call it that) was the opportunity to reconnect with those people. To be reminded of what had made us friends in the first place, and to promise to do a better job of staying in touch.

It was lovely to be in that group again. We sat together at the funeral. We cried. We laughed. We even snarked a bit. But that is who we are.

Afterwards we went out for a farewell drink and meal in Robyn's memory. And once again we broke the mold on the librarian stereotype. When the waitress greeted us with "Are you having a good day?" we all looked around at each, and then laughed and said we'd just come from a funeral. Kudos to the waitress for taking it in stride. She brought us water and chips and salsa while we perused the menu. Drink orders were placed (2 for 1 on most drinks, but she couldn't get us to take her up on most of them) and then food orders. We talked. We laughed. We toasted Robyn. We told stories about her, and remembered her in our own fond ways. 

And then we played catch-up with each other. I'm not the only one who doesn't work with those ladies anymore. There were kid and grandkid updates. Marriage updates. A bit of gossip here and there. And I was reminded again of what a boon a circle of women can be to a battered soul and spirit. 

After a couple of hours, we scattered our separate ways, not recovered from the loss, but lifted up by the companionship and the realization that life goes on. None of us will forget the impact Robyn had on this group. Instead we will raise a glass to her at every opportunity we have to share with each other in the future. Because that's what real friendships are all about.

linking up with Just Write

My Friend, Robyn

My friend, Robyn, died on Saturday. She had been suffering with pancreatic cancer. She really never had a chance, but she was surrounded by her friends, family, and incredibly loving husband to the very end.

It's gotten me thinking about that word, friend. I call her my friend, but I hadn't seen her in years. We used to work together and occasionally get together for a movie or dinner or drinks. I was in her home a couple of times and she was a spectacular hostess.

Webster's defines a friend as 

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

By that definition Robyn was a wonderful friend, because she fit all of those ideals.

Today I will go to her visitation and meet many more of her friends, a few I know already, but I am sure there will scores I've yet to meet. We will talk about Robyn and all that was good in her, and we will grieve with and embrace her family, especially her remarkable husband. 

Life was far too short for Robyn. She made a huge impact on every person who knew her and many who only met her once. She will be missed and remembered well.

We could all learn a lot from her. I know I have.

In loving memory --

A Special Surprise

I got to help with something very special this weekend. A group of us got together to help a friend in need, and I just wanted to share it here as well.

I've been friend with these people since high school and we still hang out together regularly. The older I get the more I realize how special this is.

Keith and I have been friend since we were 7 years old and came to my school from Maine.

I think this is exactly what friendship is all about. As my husband said, 

Keith, you have blessed me and Melanie and countless others over the years and it has given us both a great deal of happiness just to have some part in your surprise. The wonderful thing about a gift is that it is free. There are no obligations. Just enjoy it. Love you!

So I hope you enjoy this video of friends celebrating friends.

Happy Monday!

Friends

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

I have three. One is a blessing, but three? My cup runneth over.

And it's a good thing right now. Yesterday I sent a text to all of them. We're running out of time on this earth with my father-in-law. Within minutes they had all responded.

Caroline is praying.

Linda is coming today to help me get some meals in the freezer and straighten the house a bit.

Keith came last night and helped us pick funeral music, and made my husband laugh (a true friend!).

I've known Linda and Caroline since a high school production of "Fiddler on the Roof".

I've know Keith since we were 7 years old, and he was the new kid from Maine expatriated to Tennessee. 

We've been through everything together. And I do mean everything. Identity crises, high school, college, dating, break-ups, marriage, divorce, kids, and now death of parents. 

They are the first people I call in times of trouble and sadness.

They are the friends that stick closer than a brother. 

They are the hands and feet of Jesus in my life.

And I love them more than they will ever know.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Day 13 of 31

I keep thinking about Lisa-Jo saying write what you know.
But what I know isn't pretty.

What I know is that some people are monsters underneath it all.
Family doesn't always rush to support.
Just because the hurt was a long time ago, doesn't mean it isn't still scary and painful.

But then I stop and consider what else I know. 
I know that my husband will always support me come hell or high water.
I know that he loves me as unconditionally as a person is able.
I know that he believes me when I tell him about the horrors I endured.
I know that he feels my pain as well as he can.

I also know that I have a cadre of friends who support me and love me.
They love my husband and kids as well.
I know that people who know me well have a lot more faith in me than I have in myself.
I know that I trust them, so they must have some reason for that faith.

But the most important thing I know is

Jesus loves me, this I know

for the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong

They are weak, but He is strong.

and I knew that even when I was a little girl going through all the terrible things, because I'd been singing it all my life.

And that's what got me through it all.

Thankful Thursday #29

Today I'm thankful that yesterday is over.

Sometimes I look at my life in comparison to others' and wonder why I have such a difficult time.

Recently I've written about a lifelong friend who received that devastating cancer diagnosis (read more here). I have 2 other friends who are battling cancer, and this past weekend another friend had a lake accident that could have left her paralyzed. Blessedly she is recuperating from her 8 hours surgery and seems to be making good progress, but she has a long road ahead of her.

I am so sympathetic to these people. I am so impressed by their ability to handle their struggles with such grace, faith, and even humor.

Not so much me.

I feel as if I've been fighting a battle all summer and I'm tired and I want it to go away or at the very least end the way I want it to end.

Yesterday was another visit with another professional who gave me the same news I've been getting for months. This can't be fixed.

I know this intellectually. I even know it in my heart. The problem is it just makes me so sad and confused.

I will never have the relationship with these people that I crave; that I deserve. And they are missing out on so much while blaming me.

So today I'm thankful for my gracious heavenly Father who listens to my constant struggles and forgives me for being a slow learner.

I am thankful for my husband who is constantly at my side, helping along.

I am thankful for encouragement from others that I am not a crazy person, I just have some crazy-making people in my life.

But mostly I am thankful and praising God for the good news 2 of my friends received regarding their cancer and for the successful surgery on my other friend's back. I continue to ask that you lift up my friend, Sara, as I fear she may be losing her battle.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

linking up with Grace Alone

Thankful Thursday #24

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
-- Arabian Proverb

This week I am thankful for friends. True friends. (Which for some reason just made me think of Peter Cook's line in "Princess Bride" -- mawwage!

)

But I digress. Back to friends.

I've poured out a lot of grain and chaff lately. Much of it has been redundant (perhaps ad nauseum), but it has been received with such depth and insight (as one friend commented). I have been blessed with kind and loving words. Helpful and uplifting scriptures (although there was one amusing typo), and untold prayers. 

I am blessed beyond measure in these friends, both old and new. 

So today finds me lifting my hands in adoration of God -- the Father, the Son, and the Spirit -- who has provided for me in ways I could never have imagined. These friends, who have held me up for so long and provided directions and encouragement on this arduous journey, are tangible, skin-on evidence of God's love for me.

link up at Grace Alone

Thankful Thursday #3

Today we find our intrepid blogger feeling a little less frazzled. And how thankful we are!

Struggles come and go, as does joy, but the constant is the love of God and His grace to meet us where we are.

I am still struggling with some concepts and ideas; with what to do regarding my extended family; with, as a friend put it, the mind boggling confusion brought on by my family's reactions.

Again I find myself wishing for an edict or papal bull that would clarify and authorize my actions and behavior. Perhaps God is telling me and I am just not hearing?

Here is what I do know. God is with me, so who can be against me? He has surrounded me with a host of believers who listen, care, and offer Biblical advice. They honor my feelings and fears while still offering loving support -- so very much for which to be thankful!

His grace is sufficient, if only I will let it be.

Blessings and peace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . December 6, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and rainy. Again. It's a recurring theme around here. We are supposed to get some sun tomorrow. Here's hoping!

I am thinking . . . about my upcoming trip with dh. We are headed to Cozumel for some more scuba diving.

I am thankful . . . for friends who check on me. I had a rough weekend with the most recent flashback, the holidays, and a very good, but difficult message at church on Sunday. This morning a friend called just to see how I was. Very sweet!

From the learning rooms . . . still more wrestling than studying going on from all appearances.

In the kitchen . . . last night was pot roast, zucchini/squash souffle and hot rolls. Tonight is looking like salmon and shrimp with broccoli and carrots.

I am wearing . . . my red flannel robe and slippers.

I am creating . . . I completed the Attic 24 bag here. Now I'm back on the Coming Home poncho in Sensations Rainbow Classic berry.

I am going . . . . to yoga class, the bank and then home to finish decorating and doing some housework.

I am wondering . . . about the latest memories of abuse that have surfaced. There is a part of me (albeit, small) that wishes I knew more about what drove the abusers to make the choices they made. Something best not dwelt upon.

I am reading . . . not much of late. My concentration is off probably from the recent stress. Life of Pi is still coming and going, and I started The Whole Five Feet by Christopher R. Beha.

I am hoping . . . to get to yoga class today. I've been struggling with exercise lately. Why is that when I know how much better I feel when I exercise regularly?

I am looking forward to . . . doing some baking. I think I will try to get a batch of pumpkin bread and cranberry orange bread made this week and stored in the freezer. I want to make mincemeat cookies when I get back from the trip.

I am hearing . . . nothing but the hum of electronics and my fingers on the computer keyboard.

Around the house . . . "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

I am pondering . . . . what God wants me to do with my story.

One of my favorite things . . . is turning on the Christmas tree lights first thing in the morning. It's a truly lovely way to start the day, especially on dreary mornings.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a couple of appointments on Wednesday, finishing the Christmas decorating, maybe some baking, and packing for the trip.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

image from Pinterest

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Wordless Wednesday -- Friends

Amish, Dahlia, Kenyan, Polly, Prudence

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

Thankful Thursday

:: lunch with an old friend that reminded me of some important things

:: seeing "The Help" with my bff. I'm not really old
 enough to remember things being as bad as they 
were in the movie, but I am old enough to remember 
my grandmother, mother, and the (black) maid 
cleaning house and polishing floors together. 
At lunch time the maid had to sit in the kitchen by herself.

A good reminder to all of us that we are ALL made in

the image of God!

:: an excellent meeting last night to improve our

marriage ministry program at our congregation.

What a dedicated group of people!

:: cinnamon toast for breakfast with the door wide open

:: a quiet day at home to be a homemaker

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

for more Thankful Thursday visit Women Taking a Stand

Thankful Thursday -- August 18, 2011

:: clear test results from the urologist on Tuesday

:: my fun new car that I got on Monday

:: the opportunity to visit with an out of town

friend later today

:: a lunch invitation from a friend I haven't

seen since middle school (well we called

it junior high)

:: cooler weather which is a real phenomenon

in Tennessee in August

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

for more Thankful Thursday visit Women Taking a Stand