The Gift of Travel

When I married my husband I'd never been to a foreign country. Truthfully I'd barely been west of the Mississippi River. He on the other hand had been to Europe several times, not to mention a cruise, and a vacation to Grand Cayman where he'd learned to scuba dive. He was 20 when I met him.

Over the years one of the best things he's given me is the gift of travel. Our first year of marriage he took me to Disney World, and his business trips have taken us to lots of other fun spots in the U.S.

His mother died in 1988. She was born and raised in Austria and France. He still had family in Austria, so in the summer of 1989 his father and he went to Europe and traveled around a bit. Alan (my husband) stayed in Europe at an intensive 6 week German language course as part of his grieving and recovery from the loss. I flew to Germany and met him at the end of his course and we traveled for 10 days.

So the girl who had never left the country -- had never even been to either the east or west coasts of the U.S. -- flew to a foreign country BY HERSELF to reconnect with her husband who'd been gone for 6 weeks! I navigated flight changes and customs and crossing multiple time zones. 

He met me at the airport in Munich with a friend from his language program. I almost didn't recognize him -- he'd grown a beard. We took the train into Salzburg and went to his little room in the quaint B&B and "reconnected" with each other.

Once his classes finished, we traveled around Salzburg and visited with his relatives in Linz and Bad Ischl. We stayed with relatives and checked into B&Bs well off the beaten path. I learned to smile and nod a lot, and drink hot cocoa and eat semmel rolls with real butter and jam for breakfast.

It was a wonderful, terrifying, bonding experience for me with my husband. 

Over the years we've gone back once with our children. A lovely trip, marred by lost luggage and the early summer snows that we were unprepared for clothing-wise. He's taken me to Mexico several times and I've learned to scuba dive as well. But that first trip abroad with him, that's the stand out. Becoming an adult in a new and different way. Realizing in some way that this was my life and I'd better learn to enjoy it. That trip was the beginning.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Attributes

My husband and I have our best conversations while driving or walking. Yesterday we spent most of the day driving from Atlanta to Gulf Shores, AL. We're taking a few days off just for us.

Unexpectedly my husband asked if I'd like him to tell me his favorite things about me. Of course I would -- I was just hoping they would be good things!

He listed off a variety of things: my faith, my intellect, my perseverance, my cooking skills, and my willingness to feed people whenever he asks me to.

My immediate reaction was to deny these attributes, or explain, or negate. Instead I told myself to be still and listen. Really hear what he was saying. As I worked to focus on his perception of me I felt pulled to start creating a complimentary list for him in my head. But again, I stopped myself. I listened to the positive things he sees in me. I tried on a few of those compliments just to see how they felt, and whether or not I felt that they fit. 

It's a difficult thing for me to say, and harder still to write, but he made some good points. And they were probably accurate. 

I was raised in an environment that told me not to "take pride" in myself for who I was. Don't think too highly of yourself or it will be your downfall. Add to that the spectre of abuse, and the impact that had on my self-esteem, and you begin to get a picture of how I developed this self-loathing that I fight daily.

So I'm not writing this post to proclaim how wonderful I am to you. I guess I'm writing this post as a continuation of the love letter I wrote to my body. It's a reminder to me that I am created by God -- all of me. And it would be pretty insulting to God to negate the gifts He's given to me. 


linking up to a love dare

Stay

Stay.
Don't leave me alone.

When I took those vows years and years ago, I knew they were serious, and I knew I meant them. But I was worried I might not be able to stay the course if something terrible happened to him. Some immobilizing accident or illness.

It never occurred to me that I might be the one with illness. That he might have to be the one to stay through the really hard things.

And when I first told him about the horrors, he said, "That explains so much. This is good. We can work with this."And he vowed again that he would stay.

And every time I asked him why he didn't leave, he looked at me and said, "Where would I go?" The therapist said, "He wouldn't leave if you had cancer." But this is different. He didn't sign on for this.

So he has stayed. Not perfectly. Not always with the right words. But never begrudgingly. Always because he loves me and vowed -- "For better or worse".

He didn't leave me alone.
Stay.

linking up at Five Minute Friday

Day 13 of 31

I keep thinking about Lisa-Jo saying write what you know.
But what I know isn't pretty.

What I know is that some people are monsters underneath it all.
Family doesn't always rush to support.
Just because the hurt was a long time ago, doesn't mean it isn't still scary and painful.

But then I stop and consider what else I know. 
I know that my husband will always support me come hell or high water.
I know that he loves me as unconditionally as a person is able.
I know that he believes me when I tell him about the horrors I endured.
I know that he feels my pain as well as he can.

I also know that I have a cadre of friends who support me and love me.
They love my husband and kids as well.
I know that people who know me well have a lot more faith in me than I have in myself.
I know that I trust them, so they must have some reason for that faith.

But the most important thing I know is

Jesus loves me, this I know

for the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong

They are weak, but He is strong.

and I knew that even when I was a little girl going through all the terrible things, because I'd been singing it all my life.

And that's what got me through it all.

in gratitude

This weekend I found myself realizing over and over again how  grateful I am for my husband. I know I talk about him a lot here. Some of you may get tired of hearing how amazing he has been in helping me with my recovery from abuse. 
Let me be clear, he is no saint. He is irritating at times. We argue (although not like we used to). He leaves stuff lying around, gets annoyed when his laundry's not ready, and has been known to be in a bad mood on occasion. 
But, and this is huge, he has carried so much of my burden for me. Not only has he dealt with his own issues and struggles in coming to grips with the fact that his wife was abused, but he has consistently done for me all manner of great and small things -- from putting up with fairies all over the house, and stuffed animals, to holding me as my body processed the pain of abuse even though I had wakened him from a sound sleep. He has turned on lights (literally and figuratively) when I couldn't. He came home from work in the middle of the morning once because I couldn't find a quilt I needed. He has listened and listened to the stories from my childhood. He's researched. He's talked to my parents trying to get them to "see" what I need from them. He is my compassionate witness.
Yesterday was Father's Day. I wanted to make it special for him, because he is so deserving, but I was still processing some recent conversations and comments. When we got home from worship. I talked with and told him I needed to get away from everything for awhile and do some writing. He smiled at me and said, "Go." That's my husband. My needs supersede his so often and he is generous about it.

Care to share a single gratitude that's most present in your heart this morning? If you feel inspired, join along in the comments here today....

inspired by SouleMama

Transitions

Yesterday afternoon, I put my son and husband on a plane to fly out west. They'll be gone for two weeks visiting wonderful destinations like Devil's Tower, the Grand Canyon, Sequoia National Park, and Mount Rushmore. They will hike, climb (Devil's Tower!), rappel, and have lots of time together just the two of them. I am very happy that they'll have this time to make memories that will, as the saying goes, last a lifetime.


On the other hand -- this is longest I've been away from my husband since before our children were born. I've never been a way from my son for this long. It's an odd sensation. I know they'll be fine, and it's not as if we are cut off from each other given that we all have easy access to cell phones, Skype, Facebook, and email, but last night as my daughter and I prepared to go to bed, the house just seemed too big and dark and quiet. Where was my husband laying out his early morning work out clothes? Where were the sounds of X-box emanating from my son's room? And all that pre-bed chatter? 


Claire and I have lots of fun things planned for the two weeks they'll be gone, and I have lots of ideas (too many probably) of great things to be accomplished while they're gone. But I had trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep last night, because things were not as they should be.


Maybe this is a good training period for the fall when my son goes off to college. A good test run to see how I'll fair without his laughter, chatter, and even annoyance and anger around the house on a daily basis.


Then again, maybe I could homeschool him for college.

Red Writing Hood -- It Might Just Save Your Life

The day they married it was hot and sunny. The Power of Love by Huey Lewis was the number one song. She remembered because it was one of his favorites. Looking back now it was comforting in a way. She couldn’t have known it then, but there was a bit of prophecy in that song. As she listened to the song on the radio now, it made her think. There’s a line in the song -- 

It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes 

But it might just save your life. 

She certainly believed it (he) had saved her life.

When they’d met she didn’t even know her life was in danger. But then no one could have known. Looking at her then, she seemed to have everything together. Good grades, good friends, lots of extra-curricular activities. She wasn’t unattractive. Petite with thick, dark hair, and a big smile, she didn’t think much of herself and tended to be a little bit aloof – snobbish, he’d told her.

He wasn’t what she thought she wanted in a husband. She’d dreamed of wealth and glamour. He was more hiking and comfort, but he’d won her over in time. No one was more surprised than she was.

Now looking back and listening to that song again, she realized what a gift he had been. Without him, she might have lived in a box and never lifted the lid to see what she was missing. Without him she might have stayed a victim her entire life. Without him it might have been a very short life.

link up at Red Writing Hood

Twenty-five Years Already!?!

I don't usually post on Mondays, but this is a really special Monday. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary! First of all, yes I was a child bride! LOL! Actually dh (Alan) is younger than I am. It seems as if it is impossible that we have been married for 25 years. Alan asked last night what the defining moments in our marriage have been. You know, the best, the worst, the most memorable, the ones I'd just as soon forget. It's hard not to get nostalgic when faced with big moments.


This is what I know:
God gave me the opportunity to spend my adult life with Alan.
I would not be the person I am today were it not for Alan.
I have learned more than I have taught in this relationship.
I would not trade a single moment (although, some would've been nicer if I'd had a better understanding of life, myself and Alan).


As far as defining moments:
The obvious moments are moves, childbirth, sicknesses, but for me the defining moments are made up of smaller events.
Alan listening and not hating me when I told him the truth about how I felt about being a preacher's wife. 
Alan being supportive and relieved when I first acknowledged the abuse I suffered as a child. 
Alan laughing when I told him I was afraid he'd leave me. 
Alan making me smile and laugh and helping me learn to trust. 
Alan cheerfully putting up with stuffed animals, kids' music, kids' movies, and LOTS of faeries and hedgehogs!


Finally, the wonderful letter my darling husband wrote and read to me for our anniversary. (I got his permission to share it with you.) Yes we stood in the kitchen and cried, and it was lovely to feel so much love and appreciation from the man who love more than anyone in the world.


Alan, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You taught me what love really means -- that it's not just a word, it's a state of mind and a lifestyle. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

*********

August 23, 2010

Melanie,

It’s been 25 years. Wow. Who’d a thought it would have gone by so fast. Java and Piglet have been gone for what, 10 years. Dd, good happy child to psycho and maybe (hope hope) to responsible, relatively happy adult. Guess I’m just glad there are no grand kids yet. I hope ds will change his mind about that. I bet he will and maybe dd will find someone to be happy with and have us some grand kids...lol.

I thought about getting a cute or funny card but that didn’t seem like it would be all that meaningful (not like this is) but I thought writing a little might be nice. I mean I do write my prison buddy, every week, so I guess I can write you once every 25 years, not that I’m making a promise to stick to that schedule of course, but I did think it might be nice.

First of all, it has been hard sometimes. I do get frustrated about intimacy, about your still thinking I’m going to be mad at you or do something to hurt you but I am very glad that seems to be less frequent and less intense. Of course all the abuse has been very hard on both of us but maybe we’re finally going to start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am very proud of you for taking time to take care of yourself (eating better and getting more exercise) and I still want you to be able to lose something (I don’t even know how much) but I am starting to believe that being happy and having some fun and doing productive things is a lot more important.

On the up side, its been nice to have a companion to talk to over the years and do things with (from time to time anyway...lol). I hope over the next 25 years, we’ll find more fun things to do and spend less time working through flashbacks and more time finding fun places to walk and people to help along the way.

I don’t know if God has a plan for us but maybe, if we just take it one day at a time and try to do a few good things each day, it will work out OK.

I would like to help you write that book. I would love to go on sabbatical somewhere for 6 months or so where we could get up in the morning and have tea or hot chocolate and sit on the porch swing watching the sun come up over the water (either a lake or ocean would be fine), enjoy cool breezes and sunsets, Bible Study and cribbage. I’m a little tired of the rat race but I think, once we get the house paid off and the kids kicked out (I mean educated) maybe we could do something like that or at least find a little cabin on a lake somewhere.

I don’t know what else I want but I do want to find out with you. You frustrate the heck out of me some days but you know, that’s life. We’ve put in 25 years to try to figure this out and I think, all considered, we're doing pretty good.

I have no idea what the next 25 year will bring but I’m hoping more time with each other, more time helping others and a lot of time visiting with our kids and grand kids. 

Enjoy life. Embrace hope. Fear nothing. Be happy. Love yourself. I love myself but only because I realize the truth. I am made in God’s image for His good works and so are you.

Maybe one day we’ll get a bigger dog like a German Shepherd or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we enjoy each day as a gift, do more yoga, talk more, read more, laugh more, have more time together, write more and help others more.

All and all, its been a good 25 years. Maybe, 25 years from now, I’ll be 72 and you’ll be 73 and we’ll have written several kids' books, we’ll have written that novel, we’ll have 4 or 5 grand kids and a nice cabin on the beach were we can have big family reunions. Heck, if we keep doing a little exercise and eating more fiber, maybe we will even make it to 75 years... hope so.

I do love you. I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect but somehow we seem pretty perfect together in our imperfection and that’s good enough for me.

Lot’s of love, happy thoughts, kisses, positive self images and good times ahead.

: >

XOXO

Alan 

Rainy Friday = Feel Good Friday

"It's raining, it's pouring . . . " Now that may not sound like a good start to Feel Good Friday, but we had been without rain for a good while until yesterday afternoon. We have had summer storms off and on since lunch time yesterday. The pollen is settling, plants are looking greener and the temperature has stabilized considerably! So better weather is a big #1 on my Feel Good Friday list.

My dh returned from a business trip last night around midnight. I have a love/hate relationship with my dh's business trips. On the one hand it can feel like a mini vacation. I pick the food, the TV shows, the sleep schedule. On the other hand, he's GONE. I miss hugs, kisses, talking and just knowing he's here. Not to mention I don't sleep well when he's gone. So FGF #2 is dh's return!

School starts this week for ds. This summer has flown by! While I'm sure routine will be good for me, and I wouldn't mind some order to my days, I also dread the return of homework, grades and stress. It's a mixed blessing.

This week a new friend led me to an online support group for abuse survivors. I'm pretty wary of these kinds of things, but I checked it out. The site seems well organized and well policed. I signed up for it, and one of the first things I found was an article that addressed some long standing issues for me. If your interested you can read it here. Information is power!

Finally, I have bananas that need to be used. I see Jamaican Banana Bread in my future and maybe a banana bundt cake as well!

Today's Feel Good Friday is brought to you by The Girl Next Door Grows Up.