Close Encounters

I had one of those encounters the other day that made me question my sanity and healing. Let me start by saying, this may not make sense to you. Perhaps my reactions are deeply etched in my psyche by the abuse, but that's part of the reason for putting it out here for others to see and, hopefully, comment on. 

I was sitting in the waiting room of a local business, reading my book (which we all know = my invisibility cloak), when a younger woman asked me if my basket contained crocheting or knitting. I told her it was crocheting, which then led to a discussion on the merits of each and my personal opinion that most people are either a crocheter or a knitter, even if they are capable of both. One thing led to another and as she was very interested in the pattern I was using, I handed her one of my cards and told her she could find the pattern on my blog.

I'm used to brief questioning when I share my card, as the primary topic listed is PTSD and child sexual abuse recovery. Most people move right on past that if they are interested in crafting or recipes. This woman sat and stared for a few seconds, and then asked, "What does this mean? Healing from PTSD?" I gave my quick and dirty answer -- I was diagnosed 14 years ago with chronic PTSD and the blog is a compilation of things I have found healing. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to cry."

I, of course, apologized for upsetting her (and felt my world start to tilt a bit). She said, she too had been diagnosed with PTSD, and she believed there are no coincidences in life. I felt my shell drawing in tighter around me.

This is the problem with being open about the abuse. I'm not always in a good place to share the healing. I've been going through some stuff myself right now that's taking a lot of my energy. I assured her she was welcome to check out the blog and garner what she could. Then I kept trying to figure out a way to get back to my invisibility cloak. Blessedly, her name was called and I was saved.

So here's the real issue, by the time I left, I couldn't shake that feeling that I had done something wrong, or left something unfinished, or worse yet, that I was now responsible for her healing (even though I have NO IDEA who she is!). Yes, I know it's not rational, but that didn't quell the words floating around in my head.

I shared a bit on Facebook and got some good support. I shared with my husband, and he didn't scoff or make fun of me. But I was tired. Rung-out, washed-up, fall-asleep-on-the-sofa tired at 4:00 in the afternoon!

And then, THEN. The next morning I went to a yoga class. A really good yoga class. Afterwards I'm talking to the instructor and she reprimands me for not having kept up with my yoga practice during the toughest portion of my healing. She too is a survivor, and it's what got her through it. I "should" have made yoga a priority. Somewhere in this discussion, I realized she didn't know my story and had no authority to judge what I'd done, but it made me so mad! I shared with her so she could better understand where I was in my practice, and she shat all over it (me). 

So I was rung-out, washed-up, fall-asleep-on-the-sofa tired by noon on Friday. Of course some of that could have been the class itself, or the fact that I fell in the mud afterwards walking to my car.

Nonetheless, I did survive. I'm not looking for approval (or maybe I am), but I do wonder why it matters so much to me if someone else can understand my reactions to these events.

Blessings!

Yoga and Tears

Last week was tough. Saturday morning my husband and I went to yoga class together. I was struggling with sadness, low self-esteem, worthlessness. All the classic signs that summer is upon me.

He introduced me to the teacher when we got there, and I told her I have PTSD so if she was planning on touching me during savasana to please whisper to me beforehand. She agreed.

I organized myself in the back of the room. The class was quite full, but everyone was chatty and pleasant. Looking around the room I could tell that all levels of skill were present. Val started the class and I could tell right away I was going to like her style. And she played good music.

I got absorbed in the poses. Successful in most of them. My body remembering asanas I hadn't done in a long time. Slowly we moved into savasana -- final relaxation. I always joke and say that this is the reason I do yoga. That 5 minutes of total relaxation is bliss.

This time I knew she was coming around to offer soothing touching. I crave it, but I fear it as well. I heard her step next to me as she bent over to soothe my neighbor. Shortly after that she whispered in my ear, "I'm here", and moved to my feet. She rubbed and massaged them, and I felt the tears. I fought hard to suppress them. I don't know why. A knee-jerk reaction, I suppose. How do I explain tears from a foot massage?

She moved on to the next person, and I continued to fight the tears and question them. Why am I crying? Is this just attention seeking? What is wrong with me?

After a few final stretches, class ended and I, keeping my head down to hide the tears, packed up my gear. My husband came to check on me. I apologized. He asked why I was apologizing. Our usual dance. He left to gather his gear.

A couple of others in the class checked on me. I tried to assure them I would be fine. They offered comments and support -- but I didn't want to to explain the specifics to these kind strangers.

Val came and hugged me. She invited me back to class. 

I have a love/hate relationship with yoga. I love the way my body feels during and after class. I love that I connect with my body -- recognizing skill and power and strength. But I never know when all that peace, quiet, and relaxation will open the door to the feelings that stay just below the surface in my brain. I know it's good to release the salty tears, just as it's good to release the salty sweat -- but it seems less acceptable.

But I find myself craving that release again this morning. And I am reminded of a quote --

“The cure for anything is salt water….sweat, tears or the sea.”

~ Isak Dinesen, pseudonym of Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If This Is Thursday, I Must Be in Nashville

It's been a crazy, mixed up week, and it's beginning to look as if the the whole month may be this way.

Alan and I had a little get away over the weekend that we extended to Monday. It was quite lovely, but there was a fair amount of driving involved, so I was very tired Monday night.

Tuesday, Alan had to be in a meeting in Franklin, so I got up and drove him. We thought we'd be there an hour or so, but of course things ran long, and the outcome was not what we had hoped (sorry to be vague, but that's all I can say).

Claire took care of overseeing the removal of the mattress from hell on Tuesday morning in anticipation of delivery of our new mattress that evening. It was to be delivered between 4 and 7 Tuesday evening. I called the store about 5:15 to make sure everything was still on, and found out there'd been a miscommunication between the store and delivery people. No mattress. The lady was very nice and discounted part of our purchase, but that still left me with no bed for the night.

Claire graciously gave us her bed and slept in her brother's room (although she did have to clean it up before she could get to sleep!). 

Wednesday morning brought my weekly appointment and grocery shopping. The new mattress arrived just as I was cooking dinner, but Alan was here to oversee. Once we had eaten and made up the bed, we kind of collapsed on the sofa until bedtime. Slept well. Fingers are still crossed.

The outcome of the Tuesday meeting was that Alan has to make a trip to Los Angeles. He's not thrilled given that he has serious bum issues (can't remember the exact name) but sitting is agony. Our hope was that I could go with him for moral support, but of course I have Michael Buble tickets on the same night he needs to leave for LA. We talked about me flying out the next morning to meet him, and I thought that was all set, but it fell through this morning. 

This weekend I'm heading to Stanton, Tennessee for a yoga and meditation retreat. Then it looks as if everyone is home for the following week, with a visit from the 5 year old on that Thursday. The following Monday I'll head to Knoxville as Alan's chauffeur and come home on Tuesday. Alan leaves for LA on Wednesday (apparently alone). Claire and I will go to the concert on Wednesday night. Alan will be in LA for a couple of days probably and then fly home by Saturday. 

I like traveling as much as the next person, and most of these events are pleasant (with the exception of LA), but I'm ready for an extended, boring stay at home. I'd enjoy having a day with no one in the house but the dogs and me to just do some housework. 

A girl can dream . . . 

Wordless Wednesday -- A Delivery

linking up with Wordless Wednesday and Wordless Wednesday at The Jenny Evolution

Stretch

see more at Wordless Wednesday and Wordless Wednesday Bloggers

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . December 11, 2012

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and COLD! "They" are predicting sun by lunch time. Fingers crossed!

I am thinking . . . about yoga class. I'm finally getting back to my Tuesday morning class today. I haven't been in I can't remember when.

I am thankful . . . to have the house full again and to have everyone getting along (so far!)

In the kitchen . . . last night was apple chicken sausages, black eye peas, and a new spinach souffle. I'm not sure about tonight, as I'm going to the grocery today.

I am wearing . . . yoga pants, yoga shirts, Crocs, and a sweatshirt.

I am creating . . . afghans and afghans and afghans. I really need to start something else more fun, but after vacation last week, I'm still trying to get things pulled together.

I am going . . . to take ds looking for some running shoes later today. Don't know that we'll buy anything, but I promised to let him go try some new ones on.

I am wondering . . . about this "new" computer I'm using. Yesterday my little Acer netbook gave up the ghost. Dh is loaning me his laptop to use until we figure out what to do. I've done all my writing for the past 2 years on the Acer. I'm really going to miss it, but mostly I hope we can retrieve the data that wasn't backed up from it.

I am reading . . . I'm kind of in between things right now. I'm thinking I need a run to the library to correct this situation!

I am looking forward to . . . Saturday. Four of us are getting together for brunch. We have been friends since high school, but haven't all been together in a couple of years.

I am hearing . . . Yaya whining, because she wants me to sit on the couch with her.

Around the house . . . we're still recovering from vacation, and still looking at boxes that Christmas decorations were in. If I don't get them put away soon, it won't be worth the trouble!

I am pondering . . . a comment our minister made on Sunday -- "Advent is a time of deep waiting". I really like that. You can listen to the entire sermon here.

One of my favorite things . . . is vacationing with just dh. We went to Florida last week and swam with the manatees, went scuba diving in the springs, and went for an air boat ride. So much fun, and just wonderful to have so much uninterrupted time together!

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a massage this afternoon, appointment in the morning, lunch with my bestie, maybe a haircut, and then brunch on Saturday.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

this juvenile male manatee kept rolling

over so we'd scratch his belly!

[photo by Alan Pennington]

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

One Block Over [Day 30]

I finished an 8-week yoga class last night. I love yoga and have been practicing off and on for 15+ years. This particular class was an introduction to Iyengar yoga. I did Iyengar when I first started yoga, but haven't done it in many years, so it was nice to have a refresher.

My only hesitancy in taking this particular class was it's location. It's in a lovely little neighborhood that is mostly small businesses now. It is the neighborhood I lived in until I was 6 years old. The yoga studio is one block over from the house in which I was abused by the monster.

I have driven through this neighborhood and even by that very house off and on over the past few years. I get hit with all the usual symptoms of headache, nausea, pain, panic, terror. This time I decided it was time to face it head on and try to take back that place from my childhood.

Time and space hold memory. Just like portions of my body remember the abuse through ongoing  pain today. 

I was nervous before each class -- not because of the yoga, that I loved -- it was the location. Standing at the yoga center I could look over one block and see the house. I know it's just a house -- a business now. But then it was my home with many good memories, all tainted by the episodes with the monster.

Last night I drove by the house as I left class. I noted the name of the business. I want to walk through that space again. I want to see what remains of the room he used to torment me. I want to exorcise him as much as possible from my life.

Yoga was a good start.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . December 6, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and rainy. Again. It's a recurring theme around here. We are supposed to get some sun tomorrow. Here's hoping!

I am thinking . . . about my upcoming trip with dh. We are headed to Cozumel for some more scuba diving.

I am thankful . . . for friends who check on me. I had a rough weekend with the most recent flashback, the holidays, and a very good, but difficult message at church on Sunday. This morning a friend called just to see how I was. Very sweet!

From the learning rooms . . . still more wrestling than studying going on from all appearances.

In the kitchen . . . last night was pot roast, zucchini/squash souffle and hot rolls. Tonight is looking like salmon and shrimp with broccoli and carrots.

I am wearing . . . my red flannel robe and slippers.

I am creating . . . I completed the Attic 24 bag here. Now I'm back on the Coming Home poncho in Sensations Rainbow Classic berry.

I am going . . . . to yoga class, the bank and then home to finish decorating and doing some housework.

I am wondering . . . about the latest memories of abuse that have surfaced. There is a part of me (albeit, small) that wishes I knew more about what drove the abusers to make the choices they made. Something best not dwelt upon.

I am reading . . . not much of late. My concentration is off probably from the recent stress. Life of Pi is still coming and going, and I started The Whole Five Feet by Christopher R. Beha.

I am hoping . . . to get to yoga class today. I've been struggling with exercise lately. Why is that when I know how much better I feel when I exercise regularly?

I am looking forward to . . . doing some baking. I think I will try to get a batch of pumpkin bread and cranberry orange bread made this week and stored in the freezer. I want to make mincemeat cookies when I get back from the trip.

I am hearing . . . nothing but the hum of electronics and my fingers on the computer keyboard.

Around the house . . . "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

I am pondering . . . . what God wants me to do with my story.

One of my favorite things . . . is turning on the Christmas tree lights first thing in the morning. It's a truly lovely way to start the day, especially on dreary mornings.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a couple of appointments on Wednesday, finishing the Christmas decorating, maybe some baking, and packing for the trip.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

image from Pinterest

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . August 30, 2011

Outside my window. . . it is cool and misty. for the next to the last day of August we are going to be sunny and HOT! A high of 94 is predicted with high pollen counts and poor air quality.

I am thinking. . . it is amazing how much better just talking can make me feel. Dh and I had plenty of time this weekend to talk without interruption. He is such a good sounding board : )

I am thankful. . . to be feeling better both physically and emotionally. Summer is always a difficult time for me, but this year I've noticed it seems to be worse in July and the later into August we get. Now that autumn is coming my mood seems to be improving. Then again it could just be that weekend getaway with dh!

From the learning rooms. . . ds's senior year is off to a great start. He currently has straight A's.

In the kitchen. . . last night we had black bean and chicken quesadillas and watermelon. Tonight is a Shepherd's Skillet and steamed broccoli.

I am wearing . . . lavender yoga pants and a v-neck t-shirt for yoga class.   

I am creating. . . a scarf for a Christmas gift, and still trying to figure out what pattern I want to use for a baby blanket. 

I am going. . . to Restorative Yoga class this morning and then coming home for the rest of the day (I hope).

I am wondering. . . how best to be of service to others while still keeping boundaries regarding my own needs and sensitivities. 

I am reading. . . My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell. Very amusing. 

I am hoping. . . to keep this positive mojo going, and that the new schedule I'm working on will prove to be doable.

I am looking forward to. . . yoga class and the wonderful peace I always feel afterwards. 


I am hearing. . . ds and gf chatting while they eat muffins and bacon before heading out to school.


Around the house. . . I cleaned out the refrigerator yesterday. It's always scary when I find food I have no memory of cooking! I also cleaned out the pantry. Order in the storage areas makes cooking so much easier. 

I am pondering. . . the difficulties I have in enjoying having fun. A recurring them for me has always been to begin to feel fearful once I feel relaxed and happy. This can lead to real confusion regarding my emotions. Choices are often overwhelming, but I am working on learning to face fun and relaxation as positive without the fear of things going downhill. 

One of my favorite things. . . is knowing that people have enjoyed a meal that I have prepared. I enjoy cooking and eating, but it is so much more enjoyable when shared with appreciative eaters. 

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a low-key week with very few plans away from home. My hope is to get the house in good working order and a dress cut out for myself.


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing. . .

just a couple of dh's wonderful

shots from this past weekend

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook 

Deep and Stretchy Yoga

I love yoga classes. That being said, I sometimes have a hard time getting there. The realization of how much better I'll feel is a good motivator, though. Yesterday I got back to a class I really like, for the first time in nearly a month! The class is called Deep and Stretchy and is offered at my local yoga studio several times a week. I like it because it is relaxed and all about me! Here's the description of the class: Reduce aches and pains, prevent and heal injuries, enhance athletic performance, increase flexibility and range of motion. Restore and rehabilitate joints and muscles, prolong an active lifestyle, relieve tension associated with a busy, stressful lifestyle. Long, passive holds of 3-10 minutes, bringing you inward and helping to open the body. This class is appropriate for men and women of all ages, fitness and flexibility levels. Restore balance with this complement to your active practice, sports or other exercise. Absolute beginners to yoga are also welcome! 
Seriously, how can I NOT want to go to this class!


So for my FGF, I'm going back today! Yes the same class 2 days in a row. Just an added bonus is how much it helps relieve the memory pain I've been dealing with all week.


May you all find a Feel Good Friday that improves your life : )