Family and Healing [day 2]

The first place I looked for healing was my family. What I found out was family can mean a lot of different things.

When I was first diagnosed my therapist wanted to get my blood family in to help me out as quickly as possible (they are not the abusers). I was terrified of the idea, but he assured me they would be a wonderful resource. 

He was wrong. 

Later he apologized to me. He'd made a bad assumption and I had been re-injured by it. 

Once I began to recover from that, I also began to realize that I had the opportunity to create my own family -- people that were there for me and would care for me in a way that supported my healing. I also accepted that I'd have to walk away from my blood family (some permanently, others just for awhile) to fully heal.

My new family is made up of my husband and children. My friends, some I've known all my life and some who are relatively new. My therapists became extended family members. And even my pets took on a special role in my healing family.

I also returned to my love of stuffed animals and incorporated some new "furries" into my family, most notably Yolie and Chai. I have a small crib in my bedroom filled with all the guys who've helped me out on this journey. It used to embarrass me, now I just want everyone to have a furry friend.

Family IS important to healing. Just don't limit your concept.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

This is day 2 in Write 31 Days

dear ones

I've missed you all.

It's been over a week since I've had the time and inclination to visit this space. To write and share and visit and rest.

I didn't mean for it to happen. Circumstances got in the way and priorities became misaligned (or perhaps not). 

At first it felt like a personal failure. Then perhaps it was choice. I wondered if I'd made too much of this space. No one would miss me if I were gone. I didn't really need to be spending time and energy here when there was housework to be done and decorations to be placed. 

And then this morning I woke up and found Kate's prompt -- dear.

And all I could think was, "dear ones". That's all of you! My friends on the screen. My friends even though we've never met. My support staff in so many ways.

So I've missed you, dear ones. And clearly you missed me, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

Weekending

I had one of those weekends. No, not the awful ones. This was one of the good ones. No everything wasn't perfect, and my house didn't look as if Martha Stewart were visiting. But that was okay, because my kids were there and everyone was happy and relaxed (and tired), and we all got along.

Let's start at the beginning of the weekend. 

I went with one of my besties to see another bestie in a play that opened Friday night. This had the potential to be unpleasant on one level, because my parents came along. I just never know how interactions with my parents will go, but I knew it was a show they'd be interested in seeing.

LB and I grabbed a quick sandwich and picked my parents up. After getting lost once, we made it to the show and ran into a few people we knew. The show was wonderful, and CCD was fabulous (really the best!). My parents enjoyed the show and apparently enjoyed meeting and greeting afterwards. 

After we dropped them off at their house, LB said, "That's just sad." I had am moment of panic, before she completed her thought -- "They treat you and me exactly the same. It's like we're 2 people they know and they're a nice old couple we took to a play." That's it in a nutshell with my parents, they aren't mean or hateful, they just don't offer any intimacy. Oddly, that was a helpful conversation.

On Saturday morning, LB arrived at my house bright and early to pick me up for Presents with a Purpose. We got our table set up and had plenty of time to chat and crochet while shoppers came and went. We sold quite a bit, raising nice bit of change for Youthreach International. Dh stopped by and bought me a t-shirt from The Well as it was very hot in the store and I was wearing a sweater. 

By the time I got home I had a crushing headache. Dh and ds had gone climbing so I crashed on the sofa after taking some Advil. Later when they came in, dh suggested dinner and movie as we had missed our usual Friday night date night. We went to a local bar/burger joint and had a tasty burger and fries followed by a lovely baked apple dessert with extra ice cream. Although dh would have preferred even more ice cream. We did a bit of shopping between dinner and the movie, getting dh some new pants and socks. (We lead a very exciting life!) Then it was off to Big Hero 6. Yes, it's Disney's latest kid movie, and yes it was wonderful. And no we weren't the only grown-ups sans kids in the theater.

Sunday morning was a good worship service with family communion tables and interesting stories including a Patti Smith story. (The lesson can be heard here). After worship, dh and I stopped by the store for a few items I needed for dinner.

We spent a pleasant afternoon, helping ds with a paper and making soup, banana pudding, and cornbread for dinner. Dd and her roommate showed up and we all sat around eating, telling stories, and laughing. 

I rounded out the evening by watching part of the Green Bay massacre of Chicago (NFL for the disinterested readers). 

It was a good weekend.  A bit busy, but filled with good things and time with some of my favorite people.

Happy Monday!

Beautiful

Rain. Solid steady soaking. It wasn't typical for July 4th. I figured people would be frustrated (even though we didn't have any plans). 

Stress and anxiety have been my companions of late. I woke up with them. But then as the day progressed and I kept it slow-paced I felt things begin to unwind. 

We grilled burgers and hot dogs. We sat around the den eating picnic food while it rained outside. 

And we began to talk. About everything and nothing. We laughed. A lot. Before I knew it 2 hours had gone by and we were still talking. Serious, planning, politics, religion, joking. We ran the gamut.

We scattered to do other things, but somehow all wound up together again. And it started it all over again.

We are all grown-ups now. The kids 23 and 20 (next week). It was beautiful.

My beautiful, rainy 4th of July.



linking up with Five Minute Friday

Ode to Christmas

(guest post by DH aka Alan Pennington)

Ode to Christmas

It was the day before Christmas

Sam in his bed,

Melanie coughs up a lung,

And Claire baking bread.

The Y was half empty,

A chin up, a sit up,

A squat and a lung,

Not too much work out but still had some fun.

Sam made the pumpkin bread,

Already half gone,

Claire made the sour dough,

Not quite ready, but it won't be long.

The packages are half wrapped,

The house is a wreck,

Clothes are all dirty,

Except for my sweats.

Though tattered and scattered, our lives may be,

I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be.

My son and my daughter, getting along,

And Melanie, though groggy is coming around.

Santa oh Santa,

On this Christmas eve,

Help us remember,

Help us believe.

Christ in the manger,

Mary so calm,

The stars watching over,

The savior has come.

Lord lift my heart,

Draw us all tight,

Share with us joy,

And if is not too much trouble, could you heal my wife.

Merry x-mas all!!!

A Complicated Life

Lots of people know my dad. My mom, too, but mostly my dad. 
I was abused as a child. Not by my parents, but it's created some incredible tension in our relationship.
Yesterday I had lunch in a local diner, and as I was leaving I ran into a minister from our church. He was having lunch with someone who's recently moved to our city to work in adoption ministry.
I was making casual conversation and mentioned that my brother was adopted. One thing led to another and my dad's name was mentioned. The newbie knew my dad. The minister, who knows my story, got that "a-ha" deer in the headlight look, and I started to panic. The minister knows my dad.
We were having one of those conversations with our eyes, while the newbie rattled on about how great my dad was and memories he had of him. I said something inane like, "Yeah, I get that a lot" and excused myself.
By the time I got to my car I was shaking, and I couldn't even figure out why. Then it dawned on me. I have a lot of respect for this minister. My husband and I work closely with him at our church. If he knows my dad will that alter his opinion of me? Will he choose to see me in the same light my dad does? Will he think less of me because of things I have shared about my difficult family relationship? Will he choose "their side" over mine now that he's put 2 and 2 together?
So I called him and posed this situation to him. He assured me that it doesn't change his opinion of me. I believe him . . . mostly.
Family complications.

linking up at Writer's Workshop

Thankful Thursday #25

I missed last Thursday.
Last week was a mixed bag. Some familial struggles with the parental units -- an ongoing issue.
Busy prep for Alan and me to be away for a marriage training seminar -- which brought some stress and anxiety with it.
And the old standard for me -- summer is full of triggers and reminders of bad times.
So what do I find myself thankful for this Thursday?
:: a better perspective on family struggles. I can't change another person's understanding. I can only provide information. What they choose to to with it is out of my hands.
:: that the seminar went better than I could have ever expected!
:: and memories and triggers aren't my fault, nor do they mean I've failed in healing and moving on. They are simply a reality of the abuse I survived. I can work on handling them, but I can't make them disappear.
I learned a valuable lesson last week. We all know that words can wound deeply, but I found out that words can heal deeply as well. It's not really new information, but I felt it work in a way I'd never experienced. And for that I am truly thankful.


Blessings!


join Laurie at Women Taking a Stand for TT

Feeding the Fam

Over at inner pickle Fiona is talking about menus. I am usually an inveterate menu planner, but the past few weeks have been stressful, so there's been lots of scrounging. As I was reading her post this morning, I was working on my grocery list, so I'm participating in a limited way.


Here's what I'm planning for this week (things are still stressful around here and the weather is completely bizarre!):


Monday -- Roasted chicken, steamed broccoli, roasted potatoes and carrots
Tuesday -- White Chicken Chili, cornbread, sliced apples
Wednesday -- Hamburgers, baked beans, potato chips
Thursday -- Herbed salmon, butterfly shrimp, succotash, fruit salad


So how's your week shaping up? 


Link up over at inner pickle

Thankful Thursday

It is the Thursday after Christmas and there is much for which to be thankful!

:: good time spent with lots of family

:: reconnecting with an aunt I had been somewhat estranged from for several years

:: the safety of all my family members (even though ds got a ticket for speeding yesterday! Thankfully no one was hurt)

:: a worship service on Christmas day that included worship, laughter, love and Christmas carols

:: time with my children and husband to just be -- enjoying fun things and conversations

:: lunch and conversation with my two besties yesterday

My hope for all of you is that you, too, have had a thankful holiday season thus far, and that we will all increase our thankfulness in the coming year.

Blessings

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Thankful Thursday

Today we find out intrepid homemaker on the mend from yet another indelicate infection. 

If it seems I've talked about infections/antibiotics frequently over the past few months . . . well, it's because I have. While I'm still not positive what is going on, I have made some decisions and choices that I hope will impact a change for the better.

Being repeatedly or chronically ill really makes days like Thankful Thursday so meaningful. It's so easy to fall into the routine of "rut gratitude" -- Thank you for my house, my family, my car, my money, etc. Oh and thanks for giving Your Son to save me from my puny self. Not that I'm not grateful for all those things, but my attitude needs an adjustment!

I don't know if God "causes" illness or disasters or tragedies, but I do know that He can take anything and turn it to something good. This latest bout of illness had left me swirling back into a depressive state; regressing into the belief that no one could be trusted and they (i.e., my family in particular) were angry with me for being ill. It made perfect sense to me, but that's another legacy of abuse -- trying to read minds while assuming the worst. It turns out, they're not mad at me. They are sorry I feel so rotten and they wish the doctors would figure out what is going on, but mostly they miss me -- happy mom/wife who wants to cook and bake and make things nice, yes, but also fun mom/wife who laughs and wants to go and do things. My dd said she missed her "fun buddy". 

So for today, I'm thankful for:

 -- feeling better physically

 -- realizations about truth

 -- a family that's not judgmental, but loves me and wants the best for me

and for a God who loves ME so much that He sent His one and only Son to suffer and die, because God wants ME to be with Him!

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

to link up go to Women Taking a Stand

The Perp's Depressed

Thanksgiving brings out the best in people . . . well not always. This Thanksgiving was no different. First a little history. Several years ago after being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, I told my parents that I would not attend family get togethers as long as this particular abuser was present. This was very hard for me to say to them for a variety of reasons: I hate confrontation; I thought it would be obvious to them that I would not want to eat with a man who had raped me; I was not used to standing up for myself. Unfortunately they chose to have him continue as a guest in their house instead of supporting and understanding my feelings. Since that time (some 8 years ago) I have not been to holiday gatherings at my parents house. No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Easter, no Mother's Day, no Father's Day, no July 4th -- none of them. Every time a holiday comes around, I wish that I could be part of a familial celebration. I like the ideas of traditions and extended family, but I can't get past having to be in his presence for that to happen. It makes the celebration feel like a lie, not to mention that fact that no one mentions the gigantic elephant in the middle of the room!


Anyway, my dd went to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner this past week. She celebrated with us at my father in law's house, and then went to see the other side of the family. Shortly after she left our house, I received a text message from her telling me that the perp and his wife weren't coming because he is depressed and his doctor had recommended they get away for the weekend. I'll admit many thoughts rushed through my head at this point. Some were not very nice! What does he have to be depressed about? Seriously! He's gotten off scott free from where I sit. But almost immediately, I thought, I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. I hope he gets help. I hope he feels better. I think that's a good sign. It validates my belief that I have forgiven him. 


What actually stuck in my craw was the realization that my parents had KNOWN he wasn't coming, but didn't take the opportunity to see if I would have liked to be at their dinner table for Thanksgiving. For 8 years I have worried about their feelings. How my absence was impacting them. Was it hard for them to enjoy their holiday without their younger daughter present? Did they miss me? Were they angry with me for not being there? This Thanksgiving answered some of those questions, and not in a good way. Apparently, I don't cross their minds in relation to holidays much at all. 


Now believe it or not, I don't think this was a deliberate or malicious act on their part. I believe it never crossed their minds that here was a golden opportunity -- an olive branch that they could extend to me. Yes they are that shallow. And yes it hurts all over again. I thought about confronting them with the situation, but I've determined that confrontations with them never seem to lead anywhere positive for me. The anticipation of the confrontation just leads to stress and anxiety, and I just don't need that. 


So last night, I went to their house and ate a turkey sandwich, and sat around talking about nothing of any significance. Part of me wondered why I bother, but another part of me embraced a little bit of familial celebration. 


I just hope someone will smack me up side my head if I ever pull anything like this with my kids!

Attitude of Gratitude

Some weeks are better than others, but the trick seems to be to find that attitude of gratitude regardless of my current circumstances. This has been a rough summer in a lot of ways, but at the same time I have seen much personal growth. So for today's Thankful Thursday I want to acknowledge several things/people for which I am grateful.

First of all to my therapist. Seven and a half years ago, a friend suggested this lovely lady to me. She specializes in the treatment of post traumatic stress disorder. She has been a boon to me from the first time I met her. She continues to guide me in my struggles with the abuse I suffered as a child. She is kind, compassionate, patient and encourages me to seek God in all things. What a blessing!

To my dd. She too has had a difficult summer, but through her struggles our entire family is learning about better communication, honesty and leaning on God. What a blessing!

My ds. He has had a terrific summer with his first real job and his lovely girlfriend. I am so grateful for the fun and love he brings to my daily life. What a blessing!

To my dh who even after 25 years of marriage (this August) is still learning about me and willing to roll with the punches. It's just an added plus that he STILL makes me laugh and STILL has marvelous blue eyes and an adorable derriere. What a blessing!

Finally to the blogging universe. My need to talk, share and connect is a hard one for me to address at times. I have a strong tendency toward a hermit lifestyle. Reading and writing blogs has opened up my life in so many ways. So thanks to all the bloggers I regularly read and to those who read my blogs. What a blessing!

Thankful Thursday is brought to you by Spiritually Unequal Marriage.