December 8th, How Did That Happen!?!

It's the 2nd Monday of December and I have no idea what happened to the first week of December!

Seriously, I had big plans for organization and calm during this month. Clearly that was not meant to be, at least last week.

Rewind to the day after Thanksgiving. Claire and I were to drive home from visiting relatives in Georgia, while Alan and Sam drove over to Chattanooga to do some climbing. Unfortunately Claire awoke early with all manner of stomach issues. We drove for about an hour, but had to stop 3 times for her to throw up, so I went in search of an ER. We were blessed to wind up at Hamilton Medical Center in Dalton, GA. Fabulous facility and people! After 6 hours of testing and meds, we were finally able to head home (with instructions to visit Claire's doctor ASAP). What should have been a 4 hour trip turned into an 11 hour struggle. 

So that was Friday. On Saturday I did as little as possible trying to recoup from Friday, but by that evening Alan was sick. Not as bad as Claire had been, but still not good. Saturday night and Sunday were spent helping him out and praying fervently that I would not come down with the same thing!

On Monday morning, Alan and I drove to Dyersburg, TN for a business meeting. When we left Nashville it was 57 degrees. By the time we got to Dyersburg it was 37 degrees and sleeting! I huddled in the public library for a bit and then got lunch at a local coffee shop, Java Cafe, where I tried their Dirty Snowman (white chocolate and caramel latte). Yummy!

By 2:00 we were back on the road home, but Alan still wasn't feeling 100%. Thankfully we made it back home with no major incidents, and snuggled in our warm home for the rest of the evening.

Tuesday was therapy and the chiropractor, and then I ran a few errands. Claire called and needed help at her apartment so I went over and helped her. Then I did the week's grocery shopping and headed home to cook dinner and move everything out of the bonus room for the cleaners who were coming Wednesday morning to steam clean the tile.

Wednesday morning I ran around like a crazy person trying to get the rest of the things from the bonus room and vacuum the floor before they got here to clean. My floors look great! Then I took Claire to a doctor's appointment and to pick up a few groceries. Home again to cook dinner.

Thursday was back to the chiropractor and then a trip with Claire to see the gastroenterologist. She gets to have more testing done this week, and I will continue my new career as a chauffeur. After her appointment we did a bit of shopping at Target. When I got home Alan and I helped one of his graduate student friends by pretending to be a couple in counseling so she could videotape all of us and critique herself for a class. Whew!

Friday was finally the day at home to put things back together. A quick trip to the chiropractor and then a day puttering at home. Hallelujah! Until Alan came home sick with a respiratory infection (hopefully not the flu!). We settled for a quiet night at home instead of date night.

Saturday was Fun Girls' Christmas Brunch and Shopping, which was fabulous! But I got home late in the day to find Alan running a fever of 101.9! More caregiving. And we rolled back again to another Sunday spent at home caring for him. 

Alan's at work currently picking up a few things and then coming home to rest and work here. Sam got all the Christmas boxes out for me last night in between studying for exams. We had pizza and I made cookies for them last night. 

In a bit my #1 bestie is coming over to help me get some decorating done, because Alan and I have another business trip on Thursday, which means leaving again on Wednesday, and we are scheduled for a little R&R in Gatlinburg, TN over the weekend. Hope he's all better by then!

So maybe that's why I got next to nothing written last week! Here's to a calmer week filled with health, love, and focus on Advent.

Blessings to all!

Happy Xmas

Cynicism and Expectation

Yesterday was crafting day with my best friend. We get together on Tuesdays to work on projects, encourage each other, talk, and do yoga. Yesterday was mostly encouragement and yoga. 

It's the holidays, and as hard as I try I can't seem to avoid a downward turn in my mood. Just as everyone else seems to be gearing up into super happy mode, I'm turning into a sleeping hermit.

I want to be excited and upbeat. Energized by the carols and decorations, but mostly I just wonder why I'm not. There are a lot of things that feed into the holiday slump. This year is our first Christmas without my father in law. We always went to his house on Christmas morning, and he LOVED watching the kids open presents. There is a changing of the guard this year.

We don't see my family at Christmas. Too many difficult memories and associations, not to mention hurt feelings. It's a choice I made, but it hurts nonetheless. I want something I can't have. Expectations can be hard to release.

I'm trying something new this year. I wrote about it a little bit on Monday. And I'm following The Nourished Home as she leads us From Hectic to Harmonious. Yesterday's focus was "How do I want to feel this season?" Here's what I came up with --

1. peaceful (full of peace) 

2. content (not needing anything or any competition) 

3. at ease (comfortable with how MY holidays play out) 

4. I want to feel God's presence in this time of celebration 

5. grateful (letting go of worries, and be thankful for all that I have)

I'm taking my expectations down a notch, and I'm choosing to be a little cynical about what I see on Pinterest and social media, reminding myself that those are wishes and highlight reels. 

And I'm focusing on Advent. The season of waiting. Lighting my candles and enjoying the warmth from the glow that remind me it is worth the wait.

linking up with imperfect prose

A Gift

I haven't seen my parents in nearly a year. 
It was my choice to take a break from interacting with them, as I try to continue healing from CSA and 2 rapes as an adult.
I finally ran out of strength and energy to try and get them to understand my pain, and the things I needed from them.
I didn't stop loving them or wanting their approval. 
What I am learning is that I can love them in all their imperfection, and that their not understanding doesn't equal not loving me.

Last night my daughter had dinner with them and took my Christmas gift to them. My hope was that it would be a way for me help them see me -- who I really am. I put a basket together filled with significant things from my life, and I enclosed a letter explaining each item.

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all rolled into one!

This year I have decided to do a joint gift for you. It is a basket filled with things I love and want to share with you. This note is an explanation of each item.

Mother, this shawl is for you. It is made of 100% recycled cotton yarn. When I first returned to crocheting a few years ago, I was determined to learn to read patterns, and this is the first shawl I made using a pattern. I have kept it because I loved it so much, and now I want you to have it. The colors make me think of you. You may wear it or use it as a table linen. I hope you enjoy it. (It can be machine washed on a cold delicate cycle, and then laid flat to dry.)

Daddy, the prayer beads are for you. I have always been intrigued by prayer beads, and as I have worked on healing I have found them to be very helpful in keeping me centered in moments of panic or stress. I have included instructions on how to use them, along with a prayer from Julian of Norwich. Turquoise is one of my favorite stones to work with, and I hope you will enjoy using them or just looking at them and thinking of me. (If you are interested in more information on using them, I have some books you could look at. Feel free to email me about them.)

The remaining items are for you to share:

Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals is a devotional book that I have been using for a couple of years now. It is based on The Book of Common Prayer, but has been modernized and simplified. Each day provides a message, readings from the Old and New Testaments and Psalms, as well as a hymn (all in the back of the volume) and then providing an opportunity to pray for others. I frequently look the hymns up on YouTube and listen to them as I read. This particular volume has opened my eyes to a greater understanding of God’s love for all people, and helped me widen my world view.

"The Ghost on the Canvas" is Glen Campbell’s final cd. He has retired since being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Campbell has always been one of my favorites. I feel as if I grew up listening to him, along with the Lettermen, and Jimmie Driftwood, among others. Anyway, I have found this cd to be very moving both musically and lyrically. I hope you both enjoy it as well.

First Watch (gift certificate) is a new restaurant in town. I know how much you enjoy going out to eat, and I always enjoy sharing new places with you. The restaurant serves breakfast and lunch until 2:30, no dinner. The food is lovely! Wonderful eggs, waffles, pancakes, sandwiches, and soups. I hope you get a chance to try it, and let me know what you think.

Finally, the basket is from SERRV.org. They are a fair trade organization, and I like the hands on quality of their items, as well as knowing the gift serves a dual purpose. Of course, my theory is you can never have too many baskets!

I want you both to know that I appreciate this time you are giving to me to work on healing, and I look forward to continuing to improve and deepen our relationship. I love you both very much.

Blessings

My daughter said they seemed pleased and touched. I have felt good about this gift for them. I investigated my motivations. I had close friends read the letter. I felt happy with what I had done. 

But now after it is all said and done, I'm not sure what I feel. I am glad that they received it well. I know that I can't control their reactions, and I know that one gift does not heal the past. I want it to be a point of moving forward. I want to get to a place where I can be physically present with them, and be glad to be there. I don't want them to hurt, but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

And so, once again, I hand it over to God. I pray for guidance. I pray for peace. And I remind myself that real life is messy, and looks nothing like a Hallmark Christmas card.

linking up to imperfect prose on thursday

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

(the coffee is from a fair trade coffee shop that helps defray adoption costs, as well as supporting non-profit organizations, and the arts  -- Just Love Coffee)

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Taming the Holiday Angst

I'm trying something new this holiday season. I'm taking care of myself, asking for help, and accepting when help is offered.

The holidays are rough for a lot of people, and that includes me. I don't have a Norman Rockwell family situation. I have struggle, obligation, guilt, and dysfunction. As a friend with similar issues said recently, "I'd be happy to stay on the couch from October through December just to avoid the drama". I feel her pain.

So this year I'm taking a new approach. I bought Mandy Steward's Advent calendar for self-care. It's full of daily reminders to be intentional in our care for ourselves as we are caring for others.

I've also collected a variety of Groupons over the past few months to use for myself -- massage, mani/pedi, a restaurant to try, and a trip to a pottery studio.

I'm buying fewer gifts with more intention. My goal is to purchase only  for those I want to purchase for, and to make those gifts meaningful to those people. That's something that's gotten lost for me over the past few years. I want to reclaim it.

More importantly, I'm going to honor what I feel about Christmas. I am going to make it about what is important to me, my husband, and kids. That's it. No Martha Stewart angst. No comparison to what everyone else is doing (or says they are doing). No setting myself up to get hurt. I will honor this holiday as the holy day I choose to see it as.

Will you join me in this? Are you already doing this? Share some of your ideas.

Blessings.

linking up at imperfect prose on thursdays

Wordless Wednesday -- Oh Christmas Tree

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Christmas Grumbling

It is officially the Christmas season. Thanksgiving is behind us -- it barely gets a day anymore. 

I love what the Christmas season use to mean. Decorations and parties that didn't appear until December. Caroling for neighbors followed by hot chocolate and donuts. Watching "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "The Little Drummer Boy" because it was the only time you could see them.

Here in Nashville a trip downtown to see the window displays at Harvey's and Cain Sloan. And of course a trip to see Santa and share my wish list (which had been made using the Sears & Roebuck Christmas catalog).

Gifts that were picked out with love and a personal interest in what each individual might need or really, really want. There were no gift cards and we never returned gifts because that would be ungrateful.

I don't know maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic and maybe I have convenient memories of the way things used to be. After all I do remember our inflatable Rudolph melting on the spinning wheel of color that spot lighted our aluminum Christmas tree.

But I still miss paper chains, and popcorn and cranberries strung to hang on the tree. And oranges covered in cloves and strung from ribbons. 

What I really want this Christmas is peace and quiet; love and understanding; kindness and compassion; and peace on earth.

That's not asking too much is it?

Thankful Thursday

It is the Thursday after Christmas and there is much for which to be thankful!

:: good time spent with lots of family

:: reconnecting with an aunt I had been somewhat estranged from for several years

:: the safety of all my family members (even though ds got a ticket for speeding yesterday! Thankfully no one was hurt)

:: a worship service on Christmas day that included worship, laughter, love and Christmas carols

:: time with my children and husband to just be -- enjoying fun things and conversations

:: lunch and conversation with my two besties yesterday

My hope for all of you is that you, too, have had a thankful holiday season thus far, and that we will all increase our thankfulness in the coming year.

Blessings

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . December 27, 2011

Outside my window . . . it is gray and cloudy. It makes me think of the James Taylor song -- Another Grey Morning.

I am thinking . . . about the onset of winter. In our neck of the woods, real winter doesn't start, usually, until January. Unfortunately that means lots of grey days. On the other hand it also means lots of tea and homemade soups and stews.

I am thankful . . . for a pleasant Christmas spent with family. Everyone is healthy and safe, so there is nothing more to wish for.

From the learning rooms . . . Christmas Break!

In the kitchen . . . a return to normalcy. Holiday foods are nice -- once a year, but now my body is craving vegetables, soups, stews, and good hearty bread.

I am wearing . . . black yoga pants and my run for TFS long sleeved t-shirt.

I am creating . . . I got 2 new crochet hooks. A rosewood and a birch. They are both lovely. The birch has carving on the end, but it seems to be impacting the balance when I try to work with it.

I am going . . . . to continue eating healthy foods and getting regular exercise. I find that I feel so much better when I put an emphasis on these things.

I am wondering . . . about writing. I want to learn more about the process. I have a story to tell, but I can't decide if I should try and adapt it to fiction.

I am reading . . . My Name is Mary Sutter by Robin Oliveira

I am hoping . . . to do yoga. Then home for laundry, a grocery/menu list, and then I'm meeting my aunt for lunch.

I am looking forward to . . . getting back to crocheting and beading and this year I am determined to finish my quilt!

I am hearing . . . humming electronics, Yaya whining to be let out, and ds getting ready for wrestling practice.

Around the house . . . the de-Christmasing needs to start soon. It's a mixed bag. I'll be happy to have my house back to normal, but I don't enjoy the process of taking it down and packing it all away for next year.

I am pondering . . . . the essence of "family". Why do we put so much emphasis on blood relations? Is that just an "accident" of birth, or is there a greater meaning to be discerned from it all?

One of my favorite things . . . is spending time with my dh. He's had several days off and it was lovely just having him around the house. Last night we went out to see Hugo. It was quite lovely in a melancholy, slow sort of way.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . returning to normalcy. I like normalcy. I may have mentioned that once or twice before. LOL.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

my father-in-law enjoying the grandkids!

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Cranberry Orange Bread

I'm not sure why, but it's just not Christmas if I don't get cranberry orange bread! This recipe is from http://allrecipes.com and I LOVE it!

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/2 cup orange juice
Grated peel of 1 orange
2 tablespoons melted butter or margarine
2 tablespoons hot water
1 cup fresh or frozen cranberries
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts

Directions:
In a large mixing bowl, combine dry ingredients. In another bowl, beat egg. Add orange juice, peel, butter and hot water. Add to flour mixture, stirring just until moistened. Gently fold in cranberries and walnuts. Spoon into greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pan. Bake at 325 degrees F for 60 minutes or until toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack.


link up to Made by You Monday at Skip to My Lou

Merry Christmas Eve (Saturday Poetry. . . sort of)

Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

*****

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/

Thankful Thursday

It is the Thursday before Christmas. I feel as if I should have something deeply profound to write and share. I don't.

It seems redundant to speak of my gratitude for the gift of God's Son. I am not limited to that gratitude at only this season. In truth, I was raised in one of those households that strove to keep Christ out of the season, because-no-one-knows-the-actual-date-of-His-birth-and-maybe-God-wanted-it-that-way-so-we-wouldn't-get-caught-up-in-celebrating-one-specific-day.

I get tired of the posturing that takes place at Christmas. Tired of the people who are offended by X-mas and reindeer.

So maybe this doesn't sound like a Thankful Thursday post, but I am thankful for

-- any opportunity the whole world takes to focus on peace and love and goodwill toward all.

-- time spent with people I truly love and who truly love me, warts and all.

-- beautiful music, whether sacred or secular, that lifts my spirit and makes me smile with pure joy.

-- pretty lights (not gaudy displays) and delicious foods made (hopefully) with love and just for the joy of it.

So here's my gift for you all this Thankful Thursday before Christmas. Merry Christmas!

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Saturday Poetry -- Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

When I was a young child, the college my father taught at always hosted a Christmas party for the faculty and staff. There were cookies and punch and Christmas cartoons shown on a movie screen. Then everyone would gather to sing Christmas carols. The last song was always "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" at the end Santa Claus would appear and hand out gifts to all the children in the group. This is one of the happiest memories from my childhood. The gifts were nothing amazing: a bank, a music box, a puzzle, but the experience was just marvelous. Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh! You better watch out, 

You better not cry, 

You better not pout, 

I'm telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list, 

He's checking it twice, 

He's gonna find out 

who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're sleeping, 

He knows when you're awake. 

He knows when you've been bad or good, 

So be good for goodness sake!

So...You better watch out, 

You better not cry 

You better not pout, 

I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Little tin horns, 

Little toy drums. 

Rudy-toot-toot 

and rummy tum tums.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Little toy dolls 

that cuddle and coo, 

Elephants, boats 

and Kiddie cars too.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

The kids in Girl and Boy Land 

will have a jubilee. 

They're gonna build a toyland town 

all around the Christmas tree.

Oh....You better watch out, 

You better not cry. 

You better not pout, 

I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is comin' 

Santa Claus is comin' 

Santa Claus is comin' 

To town.

Frank Sinatra and Cindy Lauper

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

for more moments visit SouleMama

Wordless Wednesday #36

for more photos visit Wordless Wednesday

Christmas Reading List

As the holidays approach, and I begin to pull out decorations, it reminds me of the Christmas books I've enjoyed over the years. I thought I share at least a partial list with you. Some of these are great for children of all ages, while others are more appropriate for older children and adults.

B Is for Bethlehem: A Christmas Alphabet by Isabel Wilmer

If You're Missing Baby Jesus by Jean Gietzen

The Manger Is Empty by Walter Wangerin, Jr.

The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans

The Twelve Days of Christmas [Correspondence] by John Julius Norwich

A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote

Blessings of the season and happy reading!

Made by You Mondays -- Christmas Crocheting

Loops and Threads Country Loom in Hollyhock

Loops and Threads Country Loom in Lavender Blues

Red Heart Super Saver in Pumpkin & White

Loops and Threads Country Loom in Tapestry

for more go to Skip to My Lou