Contemplating the Sacred Ordinary

"timeless contemplation of the ordinary"

I read that line this morning. A beautiful phrase that speaks so much. Originally a critique of Vermeer's work, I want to claim is as my approach to life.

I was a history major in college. My interest sprang, not from a desire to understand the big picture, but rather a desire to know about the realities of life for day to day people at a given time from the past. I came to understand my interest as more "social" history. I wanted to understand how real people felt and lived through those great moments that perhaps they never really knew about. 

I read . . . a lot. I want so much to share the insights and gifts I find in my reading, but I am hampered by not knowing how best to share. The ability to put into words the feelings that develop eludes me at times.

This morning I read a story from Morning Sun on a White Piano, and I was nearly overcome with emotion. The writer's words speaking so eloquently of his young son's deep need for all to remain safe, secure, and predictable. "No wolf. No wolf," the young boy cried when his father attempted to introduce an element of danger and suspense into a story. The boy didn't want his "bunny story" infiltrated by evil, and who can blame him. None of us wants our world to include a ravenous wolf. And yet they all do in one form or another.

And so I choose again to see the ordinary as sacred. To find pleasure in small things. A cup of tea. Clean laundry to be folded. The sound of rain on the roof. As Flannery O'Connor wrote --

I am afraid of pain and I suppose that is what we have to have to get grace. Give me the courage to stand the pain to get the grace, Oh Lord. Help me with this life that seems so treacherous, so disappointing.

The Shoreline of Perfection

“Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.”

― Sarah Kay

I keep trying to get it right -- this thing called life. 

I tried to be the perfect daughter -- doing what my parents told me to do. Being interested in their interests to try and gain their respect and admiration. Living the life they wanted me to live.

I tried to be the perfect wife -- agreeing with my husband. Taking his advice. Compromising as much as was humanly possible. Being the wife (I thought) he wanted me to be.

I tried to be the perfect mother -- reading all the books. Watching all the other moms and trying to emulate them. Hair bows and ball games. Dance class and music lessons. Being the mom I thought I was supposed to be even though it felt so fake.

I kept trying to kiss the shoreline of perfection, but I kept getting sent away.

And then I realized the flaw in my strivings. I can't be perfect. I can only be who I am. I was never meant to be perfect, just like the ocean was never meant to stay on the shoreline. There is an ebb and flow to all things in life. Give and take. Life isn't stagnant. It's a process that requires adjustments -- meeting and parting, gaining and losing, learning and unlearning. 

Lately I've taken on a new approach. I do the best I can at any given moment with the information I have at that time. And I'm giving myself a lot of grace. 

So kissing the shoreline of perfection as I'm pulled away doesn't feeling like failing anymore. It feels like living.

linking up with Write on Edge

Grace

I heard a new definition of grace yesterday -- God's generosity. 

It brings grace down to a level I can begin to work with in my own life. I want to receive and extend grace, but it sounds like such a grandiose concept. 

But instead of grandiose, maybe it's simple. Basic. Be generous with what I have. Sure God has a lot more than I do, but that doesn't mean I can't follow His example, even if it's on a much smaller scale. 

I believe I'm a generous person. It's easy to share what I have with others, even the one's I sometimes feel don't deserve it. After all, I don't deserve God's generosity. 

The flip side of the definition is how much easier it is for me to accept God's generosity rather than his grace. It's all just semantics, but grace is one of the "Bible words" that seems so big and important. Generosity is all about hospitality and sharing what I have. 

And I can work with that.


linking up with Five Minute Friday

Day 24 of 31

I've been re-skimming Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. You know going back through and reading the portions I underlined or starred or highlighted; the pages I turned the corner down on. 
I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD in 2000 and I read this book for the first time in 2003. It was the first book on the subject that really spoke to me. I found myself all throughout the pages. 
It was a good news, bad news dilemma. The good news was I'm not alone. My responses are consistent with others' who have suffered abuse. The bad news was it validated that all these terrible things in my head were true. 
I read a post the other day written by another survivor about serial victims. Another term that unfortunately applies to me. What is it about having been abused that makes other perpetrators see me? It's like having a target on your back, or a flashing neon sign that says, "Pick me". 
And for all those years I believed it was something I had done that made it keep happening, or that the repetition was proof that I was making it all up. More abuse, emotional this time, even though the abusers were long gone from my day to day life.
My therapist and husband keep saying "Be kind to yourself" and "get angry", but I don't know how. Honestly. 
I've spent my entire life finding fault with myself and avoiding anger, except the kind that used to come roiling out at inappropriate times. I've gotten that under control, because I don't want to be like the abusers. Angry for no apparent reason. Lashing out verbally and physically. 
So I'm rethinking anger and what it really looks like. You know, righteous anger. The kind of anger that says you may not hurt me, but don't worry I won't hurt you. 
The "be kind to yourself" is taking even longer. How do I know when I'm doing enough and when I'm just being lazy? It looks silly typed up like that, but that's really what I worry about. How much is enough to make me a valuable, worthwhile, whole person? How much fun can I have and how many things can I do just because I like it, before I've crossed the line and become self-centered and uncaring of others' needs?
And then I remember grace. And I think about the gift freely given to me. The little girl who was abused grown up to be the woman who is trying to stop that cycle of abuse. 
And God says: "But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck." -- Matthew 18:6 (The Message).
And I find comfort in God's adamant love for me, and choose to embrace His grace.

linking up to imperfect prose on thursdays and Write on Edge

Thankful Thursday #3

Today we find our intrepid blogger feeling a little less frazzled. And how thankful we are!

Struggles come and go, as does joy, but the constant is the love of God and His grace to meet us where we are.

I am still struggling with some concepts and ideas; with what to do regarding my extended family; with, as a friend put it, the mind boggling confusion brought on by my family's reactions.

Again I find myself wishing for an edict or papal bull that would clarify and authorize my actions and behavior. Perhaps God is telling me and I am just not hearing?

Here is what I do know. God is with me, so who can be against me? He has surrounded me with a host of believers who listen, care, and offer Biblical advice. They honor my feelings and fears while still offering loving support -- so very much for which to be thankful!

His grace is sufficient, if only I will let it be.

Blessings and peace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Women Taking a Stand

Thankful Thursday

This month we move Thankful Thursday to Grace Alone. It's an interesting combination -- thankfulness and grace.

Thankfulness is defined as: conscious of benefit received; expressive of thanks; well pleased.

Grace is defined as: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.

Big words!

I need a lot of grace this week. So I am hugely thankful that God is providing it.

Abuse does bizarre things to people. It warps my view of myself. That's one place God's grace comes in -- He gives me a mirror to view myself as He sees me. 

He doesn't see the damaged, terrified, worthless person that I see when I look in my mirror. He sees His child, who has been hurt. A child He wants to comfort and nurture. A child who is not a victim, but a survivor. His child for whom He wants the best.

Today I am thankful for God's grace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone