Relationships and Healing [day 5]

Nothing has impacted my healing as much as relationships with other people. 

Last night I was reminded of this all over again.

My husband and I were at our small group dinner. There were fewer of us than usual, with several of our members out of town. We sat around eating soup, chips, avocado, and watermelon, and talking about church and life. After dessert (a pumpkin bundt cake -- I'll share the recipe later!), we moved into the sitting room to continue talking.

I'm not sure how it happened, but people began sharing a bit of their histories and life stories. I listened as people told about their children and then the stories would segue to family of origin. One thing led to another and I was sharing my history. Not all the gory details but more than my standard quick and dirty version. I was crocheting as I talked and I never looked up from my work (a typical avoidance technique I use). There were a few comments, but mostly what I felt was stunned silence. 

Our conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the host's daughter, so I never really found out what anyone thought or felt about my revelations. The group dispersed and I found myself walking to the car in a daze, knotting my hands in my purse strap. Sitting in the car, my husband expressed concern that I would begin to doubt myself. We talked a bit about what had just happened. I tried to quell the rising anxiety that always comes with revealing my past to new people. 

Other people had shared difficult pasts as well, and I knew I felt no differently about them. I knew I was glad that our group had moved into a deeper level of knowing one another, but it was difficult to quiet the old tapes in my head -- the ones that tell me I won't be believed; that I'll be shunned; that the world will come crashing down.

At home, I moved into my standard coping and relaxing mechanisms, worrying than I wouldn't be able to sleep. But sleep came fairly easily with only 1 or 2 bad dreams. 

Healing is a constant, on-going process. Building and maintaining relationships are part of the path. 

I guess I placed another stone last night.



This is day 5 in Write 31 Days

More Thoughts on Sharing

I wrote a blog on Friday called Share. It was a link up to Five Minute Friday, and honestly was written out of the remnants of a bad week. I'd been sick with a fever and fatigue since Sunday. I had to cancel driving my husband to a business trip. I had to cancel everything for the whole week. My house was a mess. There was no home cooking. My son was clearly getting annoyed with me for not "taking care" of him (he's 21!). 

I was still trying to regroup from the previous week's encounters, and on Monday I found out via Facebook that a long time acquaintance/friend had died unexpectedly. Add to that, my hairstylist got fired, and it was just a bad week all around.

And on Friday morning there was that word -- Share. All I could think was maybe it would help me to process everything if I put it out there. I was right. It did.

I got some wonderful comments and I really appreciated them even if I didn't feel like responding to them at the time. But now that I've had time to reflect (and start to feel a bit better) I keep thinking about one comment in particular.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I've learned during my life to keep things to myself except for with a certain select group of people that I've come to trust because most people don't actually care, they're just curious and all too ready to pass judgment.

I know this feeling all too well. So let me clarify. I never intended to suggest that we all jump on the internet and share all of our deepest darkest fears and secrets. What I was trying to suggest was that we all need someone, maybe several someones, with whom we are truly authentic. 

I think more clearly by writing. I only talk to a select few people whom I feel I can trust completely (and occasionally larger groups with much less intimacy). I write because I can get it out there and I don't have to sit and watch someone's face while I say these things. I don't have to wonder what they're really thinking in the moment.

My husband and I went to visitation on Friday for our friend. It was incredibly crowded and my fever came back with a vengeance, so I wasn't feeling my best. We decided to leave rather than stand in line for hours, but on our way out we ran into a mutual friend. He and my husband were discussing the need for caring counselors in our current society. I offered up that I think more people are willing to talk with a professional these days because we don't open up to one another in the way small communities and close knit families used to because we live such insulated lives. We all put on out best faces and pretend everything's fabulous rather than risk judgment of our imperfections.

I believe God knew the profound vitality of sharing when he had James write

16 Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.
(James 5:16 NRSV)

Confession/sharing creates community and allows for authenticity. Maybe we've bought into the idea that if we're all good Christian people our lives will be perfect, and if they're not we have failed somehow. That's a Puritanical belief that Satan uses against us because it works.

Confession, in this context, isn't about judgment or punishment. It's about being open and letting others see our needs and our dark places, just as they share with us. It's a communal activity to bring us closer together. Not to drive us apart.

We have to let go of misconceptions and be honest with one another if we want to live an authentic life. If we want to live as Jesus did.

That's what I try to do in this space, because for me it's safer to share with the blogosphere than to share one on one. But at least it's a first step. 

Blessings.

Just Write

Just write the prompt says.

That's how I process most things. I write it out until I feel better, or understand better, or see more clearly.

But sometimes . . . sometimes writing doesn't come. I avoid writing about the hard stuff, because maybe no one else will think it's hard. Maybe someone will laugh at me. Maybe no one will understand.

Last week was that way. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about, I just didn't know how to say it and feel safe. 

I write about a lot of difficult things in this space. I write about a lot of good things here as well. I'm pretty open (some might say ridiculously so), but even I have limits. For me it's usually about collateral damage. I can say whatever I want to about myself. I can say whatever I want to about the abusers because I don't name names. What I can't (won't) do is talk about people currently in my life and the tough stuff that happens with them sometimes, even if it's tied up in healing from abuse. 

Last week was one of those weeks when the tough stuff with the people I love the most was all I could think about, and little or no processing seemed to be happening. The truth is processing was going on, it was just really difficult. I am an extremist. People are good or bad -- there is no continuum. There are only absolutes. I recognize that's something I need to work on, and I am, but it still gets in the way sometimes. 

When someone I love and trust does something that hurts, and I can't make it understood why it hurts, I fall back into old routines and patterns. Extremes. That's a bad place to be. 

So last week was a quiet week, and maybe that's okay. Maybe I don't have to share every single struggle in this space. That's another issue for me -- does incomplete disclosure equal lying? I know the answer, but sometimes (when things are tough) I fall back into old beliefs. We all do. The key is to face those thoughts and beliefs head on with facts, truth, and evidence. Challenge those patterns.

I've done some challenging over the past couple of days. Verbally. With trusted confidantes. And I'm feeling a bit less extreme, and more centered. 

So I sit down at my computer and just write.


linking up with Just Write

Risks

I wrote a post on Monday about a flashback I had over the weekend, and here is what has fascinated me about it. As always, it helped put some things in perspective. Just getting the words out in a coherent pattern. Processing by typing. Friends who read the post via Facebook have been incredibly supportive, and no one has told me I did anything wrong by sharing so openly (my expectation every time I write specifically about the abuse). The post had more hits in a single day than any other I have ever written -- but not one single comment on the blog itself. 

I wonder why that is. Who are those people reading about my trauma? Are they other survivors contemplating their own stories? Are they people who had no idea things like that happened in "nice" families? Are they just people with a prurient interest? I don't know. And the likelihood is I will never know for sure.

But all that wondering brings me back to something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Connections. I crave connections and yet am terrified -- even repelled at times -- by the thought of putting myself out there to connect with other people. Because real, true connections require risks. The risk of being real in another's presence knowing that they may not reciprocate with their own "realness". 

When I started on this path of healing one of the things I feared was that by sharing my story I would somehow be giving other people ammunition to use against me. That my history would be used to prove my invalidity. I was terrified of having the tables turned on me and rugs pulled out from beneath my feet. And yes, it has happened a few times. But so many more times I have received validation and acceptance beyond my ability to comprehend. By risking being real I have given others the opportunity to be real in return and I have received so much more than I have risked. 

I am going to keep risking -- by telling my story, by being honest about my wants and needs, by being kind -- because the potential connections are worth it.

linking up with Just Write and Imperfect Prose

Thankful Thursday #35

I've been thinking about other Christians a lot lately -- not individually, but collectively. I was talking with a young woman who is struggling with faith and what to believe, and how often she's been let down by those professing Christianity. I reminded her to read the Bible to learn the true character of God. We can learn only so much from other Christians about God. Yes, we are made His image, and yes, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus in this world, but we are imperfect representations. Other Christians will let us down, and we will let them down.

The flip side of this dilemma is our need for "skin-on" God relationships. We need, even crave, interaction with others who bring God into our lives through touch, talk, action, and prayer. I see so many wounded people who seem compelled to handle it all by themselves. I understand. I was there once. It is a scary thing to show your need and vulnerability to others, but oh what a blessing it can be!

I have a quote hanging on my refrigerator --

Time heals only those wounds

 that are shared and understood.

My husband put it this way --

Isn't it odd how if you're not 

feeling emotionally well

 and you need to talk to people, 

you don't want to talk to people. 

So, if you don't want to talk to anyone, 

just want you to know, I'm there for you.

I challenge you today to do 2 things. Open yourself up to share and understand (not solve) someone else's pain, and thank someone who's been there for you. If you haven't tried sharing, I strongly encourage you to, because you might just be surprised.

linking up at Grace Alone

:: 10 good things

It's always a good idea to stop and consider the good things in my life . . . 

1 :: hummingbirds regularly visiting my feeder

2 :: antibiotics to clear up an infection that was really dragging me down

3 :: a new yoga class with my bestie, ccd. the instructor is 79 and the oldest member in the class is 86

4 :: the change in season. i love waking up to cooler temperatures and sipping my tea with the door wide open

5 :: watching my husband enjoy setting up his new computer. it's been nearly 12 years since he's had a new desktop

6 :: a good, relaxing talk with dd last night about beliefs, love, God, and people

7 :: riding with the top down in my Fiat

8 :: opening up those coloring books again. a fine way to de-stress when things are getting a little crazy

9 :: a new afghan pattern that I really like and it moves quickly

10 :: sharing my life, good and bad, with friends irl and through blogging

Namaste!