Since Friday, I've really been thinking about the plot twist I'm dealing with now. That idea has provided me with a jumping off place for organizing the changes going on in my life.
Church has been an unexpected struggle. I didn't see that one coming. I've never done "church" on my own. After moving across town last year, I've been trying to get into a routine with church attendance. When you've never gone to church by yourself regularly, it can be daunting to walk into a new place all alone. People tend to be welcoming, but I find myself revealing more than I want to. "Are you a visitor?" "What brings you here today?" My pat answer became, "I've recently moved to the area and am looking for a new home church." Of course, that leads to "Where are you from?' Which leads to "Another neighborhood in the city -- 20 minutes away". And the question hangs there. I wonder where she used to attend? I wonder why she left? Sometimes those questions are verbalized and then I have to man up and say "I'm getting a divorce". Not a fun opening especially in a church setting.
I am an introvert. I didn't plan on getting a divorce after 32 years of marriage. I'm still learning who I am in this incarnation. I don't know what's happening this afternoon, let alone next week. There is just so much that I don't know, and I wasn't prepared to deal with how hard getting to church was going to be and all the guilt I'd heap on myself when I don't get there.
So, like everything else, I'm taking it one day at a time (sometimes 1 minute at a time!) and turning to God constantly to quiet my own accusing voice in my head. He understands where I am and what I need. He does know what's happening this afternoon, next week, and for the rest of my life. I'm talking to him about it and trusting he'll guide me to the right place at the right time.
Blessings!
