Unplanned Pound Cake

A change in plans found me needing to provide a dessert for a Sunday afternoon gathering. I'd already been to the store for Saturday, and really didn't want to go back. So I did a little internet surfing and found this wonderful Paula Deen pound cake recipe. The only change I made was using a stick of unsalted butter in place of the vegetable shortening. I baked it in my standard bunt cake pan and it baked right out of the pan and all over my oven (I'm cleaning my oven today!), so you might want to put some of it in a loaf pan, or maybe I just beat it too much. Either way, it was tasty! The recipe says it serves 16-20, and I served it to a group of 12 and have 2 slices left (we did have 3 teenage boys there!).

1/2 pound (2 sticks) butter, plus more for pan
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
3 cups sugar
5 eggs
3 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for pan
1/2 teaspoon fine salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions:Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

With a mixer, cream butter and shortening together. Add sugar, a little at a time. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating after each addition. Stir dry ingredients together in a bowl and add to mixer alternately with milk, starting with the flour and ending with the flour. Mix in vanilla. Pour into a greased and floured tube pan and bake for 1 to 1 1/2 hours, until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean.

Food Network link

Happy Eating!

linking up at Made by You Monday

What does it mean to you to be a "survivor"?

I saw this question on Twitter this morning (@NashvilleSAC) and it made me wonder how I define surviving.

Webster defines survive this way:

1 : to remain alive or in existence : live on
2 : to continue to function or prosper

So a survivor, presumably, is one who remains alive or in existence, or one who continues to function or prosper. Dictonary.com adds this to the definition: a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.

For me, it's important to include Dictionary.com's addition. To be a survivor you need to have experienced something that could have taken you down. But surviving, especially in relationship to trauma, means more to me than just remaining alive or continuing to function. Those are vital, of course, but I prefer to see them as first steps. 

Surviving is a process. Being a survivor will lead to prospering in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks, because all of this will happen. Because that is how real life is. We all suffer opposition, hardship, and setbacks, and we all have to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.

So how do I define being a survivor? Facing the reality of what I experienced. Working, really hard, to accept that reality, and placing responsibility where it belongs. Letting go of fear and shame. Believing that I have the right to have a good life in spite of the horrible things that were done to me. Continuing to move forward toward positive goals: a relationship with God, family, and friends, all while helping others out along the way. All of this while recognizing that I can't make the abuse not have happened, but I can put what I've learned to good use for myself and others.

So yeah, I survived. I'm a survivor. But, no offense to Mr. Webster, I'm doing a lot more than just existing!

for additional information contact SAC

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Dive

I don't dive. Not at the pool. Not in real life. I don't dive into anything. I contemplate, investigative, cogitate, dip my toes in, and maybe, maybe slip into something.

Except scuba diving. My husband's been diving for nearly 30 years. When he suggested I learn to dive for our 25th anniversary, I was hesitant, afraid, worried, but I did it. I told him I'd take the Discover Scuba class at the local dive shop. And I did. After that I told him I'd take the Open Water Certification course. And I did. After that I agreed to go to Mexico to finish my pool work and start my open water certification dives. And I did. It took 2 trips to Mexico to finish those open water dives, but I did. I even did the "Jacques Cousteau" flip off the boat on the very first try!

So why can I dive into scuba? I don't really know, except that it was something so important to my husband. He's been so supportive of me over the past years of healing. He's worked hard to understand my fears and anxieties, and given me so much time to heal -- I just had to do this for him. 

And somehow in learning to scuba dive, I learned how to dive into a few more things.

So dive.

Linking up with Five Minute Friday

Fulfilling

Creativity, it’s good theology; it’s what God did in the beginning. 
--Ann Voskamp

Create -- 1  to bring into existence

God created the heaven and the earth — Genesis 1:1

2 a : to invest with a new form, office, or rank  b : to produce or bring about by a course of action or behavior
3 to produce through imaginative skill

I use the word a lot. About a plethora of different things. I talk about creating craft items, meals, a home, an environment. But I've never thought about my desire to create having anything to do with being made in God's image. I don't think much about being made in God's image at all honestly.

For years I squashed the desire to create as frivolous. A waste of time. I belittled people (especially women) who spent time crafting, or painting, or sewing. They (frequently) weren't saving money, which I saw as the only valid reason for doing some of those things.

That attitude, I don't know where it came from, but it may have just been an excuse. A method of hiding my own insecurities. I'm a recovering perfectionist. Actually I'm a recovering, procrastinating perfectionist. I spent so many years afraid of things not turning out perfectly, that I just avoided doing anything. Try was not in my vocabulary as a positive term. Try implied the option of failure, and failure means humiliation. Yes, I recognize it now as one more residual of the abuse I suffered. Yes, I see all kinds of correlations. Yes, I can only learn by sometimes trying and failing. I know. I see it all. Now.

Now I see it was another way of turning my back on God. Another missed opportunity to connect and engage with the One who would ultimately heal me. God was driven to create, and I am made in His image. My need, drive, desire to create, whether it is another baby afghan, prayer beads, or simply order in my life, is another way to connect, reach, be with God.

Not frivolous, fulfilling.

linking up with imperfect prose on thursdays

Haunted

What haunts me most is how long it stayed buried. How long I lived with it in me and affecting my every thought, without even being aware. 

I lived from the time I was 4 years old until I was 38 without telling anyone, or addressing any of it. One random incident occasionally passed through my head, but I felt so guilty, so dirty, so evil, that I brushed it aside as quickly as I could. I had obviously done some terrible, unforgivable things. I was irredeemable. But maybe if I could keep that one memory buried I could be good enough to make up for it somehow.

So I was haunted then by a single memory. And now I'm haunted by all the other memories that were buried and I didn't even know they were there until I acknowledged that one memory for what it was -- abuse. Not me making a bad choice, or me being a bad person. Me being violated, abused, taken advantage of by a monster.

And that was 12 years ago. Twelve years of hashing through muck and mire to retrieve a lost soul. To find out who I really am, and realize that all that muck and mire, and the survival of it, made me who I am today.

So while I'm still haunted by events from my past, and I'm haunted by the portions of my life that feel muted by the effort to keep the memories at bay, I'm also starting to remember some good things I had forgotten, and maybe there will be more reminiscing and less haunting in the coming year.

linking up with Mama Kat

Purpose in a New Habit

I very excitedly jumped on the One Word bandwagon posting my word here on January 2nd. I set up a little tableau to help me remember my word for the year.

I've been keeping watch for my word and to be honest have been a bit bummed that I wasn't seeing it everywhere I turned.

I'm still recovering from a nasty infection that laid me low through most of the holidays, and have been waking up  coughing most nights. I have trouble getting back to sleep and have used numerous "tricks" over the years to lull myself back to sleep. 

I've also decided that this year I am going to tackle Ann Voskamp's memorization plan. I have avoided memorization for years -- telling myself I'm not any good at it; that rote memorization won't really help me; that I will fail at completing the goals I set up, leading to depression and more negative self-talk.

This morning I had an epiphany of sorts. The past two nights as I've been trying to get back to sleep, the verses for this week have come, unbidden, into my head. Without a plan or even a thought, I have begun reciting Romans 1:1-2. A gift? Soothing words of Scripture to ease me back to sleep. Proof that I am capable of doing this. That even though these particular verses are mostly informational, I am finding comfort in the realization that I am doing this -- can do this -- and it's not just rote memorization. I am comforted by these words:
1 Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God— 2 the gospel he promised beforehand through his prophets in the Holy Scriptures

And suddenly there is my word -- purpose. This memorization has a purpose in my life. It may be leading me to another purpose, or it may be THE purpose. I don't have to know the answer to that question right now.

What I do know is that He has a purpose for me, and this memorizing is part of His plan and my path for now.

linking up at One Word 365