Surprise : Write 28 Days

Surprise! We're half-way through this challenge and I've only missed one day. Yay, for me!!!

I started writing this blog in 2009. When I started it I felt selfish and sure that my motivations were far from admirable. I had all kinds of information, ideas, memories, and beliefs floating around in my head, and the only way I knew to get them out and potentially organized was to write. But I couldn't just do it for myself, because I needed external validation. My belief that something I thought or felt was valid just wasn't enough. Someone else's words were needed to prove the veracity of my feelings. 

For several years I wrote faithfully. Not necessarily every day, but several times a week. And it helped. It helped me, and I was getting feedback from others who were benefiting from my writing. I felt validated. It was a good thing to write as long as others were being helped. 

Then my marriage started to unravel. We had been teetering on something for a long time. I kept trying to live the way he wanted. Eventually, I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I had to be who I was. That sounds so trite, but it's the reality of what was going on. Somewhere in that unraveling, I quit writing. 

This blog has always been the truth. Pretty or ugly, I've always tried to be unerringly honest. Maybe that was a way of testing my true feelings. Maybe it fed that need for someone to know about the awfulness without having to stand face to face with them. Whatever the reason, this space has always been about me and my life. When things began to unravel that didn't feel right or safe anymore. 

One of many surprises along this path has been how long it's taken to be able to embrace my authentic self in the aftermath of it all. I blithely thought that once the stress was removed (instantaneously) I would know how to live that way. The reality is that turning my life around took longer (is taking longer?) than I could have imagined. 

This past weekend's retreat was a blessing in so many ways, and along with the retreat, this challenge has gotten me back into writing regularly. For both of those events, I am so very grateful.

One quote from the weekend keeps repeating in my head -  

“Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

This time around I've allowed myself to be a bad artist. And the great surprise in that has been how quickly I've found my voice again. I don't know if I'm bad, mediocre, or good at this writing thing. What I do know is that I don't really care so much what anyone else thinks about it.

And that is the greatest surprise of all.

Exact : Write 28 Days

I'm a perfectionist, so I have a love/hate relationship with words like exact. 

I want to be exact in everything I do. A not very realistic goal, I understand, but there it is.

Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again. -- Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way.

The idea that everything doesn't have to be exact - perfect - is difficult for me to get my head around. I spent the last 30+ years trying to do just that. It doesn't work - I know this - but I kept striving for it anyway, while it hammered at my self-worth and made me deflect every compliment that came my way.

So I'm working on changing my attitude again. Years ago I claimed the term "procrastinating perfectionist" to describe my inertia. I would find myself frozen, unable to move in any direction for fear of failing, even if only in one tiny aspect of the task. I recognize the abuse imbued me with an intense fear of failure, as I believed I was responsible for it. I just never knew what I had done to make it happen. That sense of responsibility left me terrified of making a mistake whether I knew what the mistake was or not. You can't win if you try to take on responsibility for something that's not yours.

Today I met with an accountant to help me with my taxes. I'm still new to all of this, so I'm getting help to be sure I pay the right amount. I gathered all the papers I could think of and put them in my cute, pink plastic envelope. I dressed nicely and arrived on time. I couldn't find parking so I called to ask where I could park. That may not sound like much, but it's hard for me. For some reason, I believe I'm supposed to know everything all the time, so asking questions is tantamount to admitting I'm an idiot. Once I got to the office and we began to look through paperwork, it became patently obvious that I had forgotten numerous important documents - like last year's tax forms.

Internally, I quickly spiraled into self- doubt, beating myself up for not bringing those documents. I feel confident that the accountant had no idea how stressed I was. I made a note of items he needed from me and we agreed on how I would get them to him, and when. 

There was no external evidence or my anxiety, except speed talking and over-explaining. Maybe a few unnecessary "I'm sorries." Otherwise, I left with a plan. But it took me a while to talk myself down. A call to my best friend helped me put some things in perspective, along with a promise to help me get organized for next time. 

That's a lot of information to explain my love/hate relationship with exact, but now you know I have a tendency to over-explain when I'm stressed.

Ponder : Write 28 Days

Ponder. This is something I like to do. It's falling into that pile of lost arts, like sitting on front porches, chatting with your neighbor while shelling peas, writing long letters, cursive.

This weekend I was given the opportunity to do "Ponder Writing". As I've mentioned before, I went to Rockvale Writers' Colony for a retreat called "The Artist's Way: Rest, Renew, Reveal, wRite". There we were led in pondering Julia Cameron's book and practice, The Artist's Way. After each session, we were given the opportunity to spend some time reading specific portions of the book and then pick a "Ponder Writing" to do (or do them all if we felt so inclined!) 

I did some of them, but certainly not all. Following some of the sessions, I needed unincumbered time to just ponder -- not write. There are two good things about my response. One was the pondering itself. Giving me time to sit with information and just let it weave its way in and through my psyche without much effort. The second good thing was not following the rules and not having guilt. Anyone who's read my writing knows that I'm a rules girl to the nth degree. The idea of breaking a rule (assignment) made by the authority figure (facilitator) would have been anathema to me just a few short years ago.

All of that pondering has made me think about something else. The idea that what we put into our heads (i.e., movies, books, television, conversations, self-talk) impacts how we think about ourselves. I know the damage of negative self-talk! I am the reigning queen in that particular event. But since connecting with the Colony and having other writers be so kind, encouraging and generous toward my writing, I'm beginning to see quite clearly the benefit of saying those positive things to myself and not deflecting praise from others. All I have to say in response is, "Thank you". 

I suppose what I'm getting at here is that to ponder is a valuable use of my time. And I love the synchronicity of having a word prompt that aligns with my weekend retreat. Call it what you will God or serendipity. Either way it's been a blessing.

Experience : Write 28 Days

experience -- practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity

I have quite a bit of experience in a variety of areas -- daughter, sister, wife, mother, librarian, homemaker, cook, seamstress, crafter, helper, survivor.

I type that list and it looks rather impressive at first, but then I find myself looking at each word and dissecting meanings. Daughter was through no action of my own, nor was sister. Some might debate how good I've been at either of those.

Wife I did for 32 years. I tried hard to be good at it. There were ups and downs. Ultimately the downs overwhelmed me.

Mother. Well, all of us with that title will acknowledge we could have done better. But in hindsight, I'd give myself a B+. I did as well as I could in those moments. I've apologized (repeatedly) for my failures. My grown children and I have good relationships now.

Librarian. I think I was good at it. I know I enjoyed it. I feel I could have made better use of that degree, but so it goes. Who knows, I might find myself wearing that hat again someday.

I'm a decent cook and I've certainly fed a lot of people over the years. Some would say I'm better than decent, but we all know I'm not good at self-promotion.

Seamstress and crafter are mostly for me. I like fiddling around with yarn and fabric and beads and scraps of paper and string.

Helper comes pretty naturally to me. I'm a 9 on the Enneagram so I can't stop myself from checking on everyone in a room to make sure they are ok.

That leaves me with survivor. I have a love/hate relationship with the word. Yes I did survive childhood abuse and sexual assaults as an adult. Yes, I've worked hard to overcome the damage those experiences did to me. The problem for me is the term sounds grandiose. From my perspective, I only did what I had to do. But that's probably a whole different post.

What does all this rambling get me? Perhaps a clearer recognition of what I value in myself. In my life. Maybe it's just navel-gazing. And then again maybe it's the result of agreeing to participate in a writing challenge based of one word prompts.

Whatever it truly is, it's been an experience.

Learn : Write 28 Days

I love to learn!

School didn't really prepare me for how much I love to learn. The unfortunate side effect of organized school for me was the learning was totally overwhelmed by the competition, the fear of authority, the assumption that I would be humiliated by grades, teacher comments, or other students.

I did well in school, but I didn't excel. I flew under the radar grade-wise. Mostly As and Bs. Occasionally I would shine in paper or a presentation, but mostly I just did the work and tried not to get in trouble. I stayed in my lane.

As I've gotten older and cleared my mind from the struggle to keep the awfulness at bay, I find myself wanting to learn about so many things. Going waaaaay outside of my lane just for my own curiosity and enjoyment.

Friday, Saturday, and today (Sunday), I have learned so much about myself. About writing. About how similar I am to other writers and how dissimilar I am to other writers. I've learned it's normal to feel jealousy when other's succeed, but it doesn't make me a bad person and I don't have to sit in the jealousy. I've learned what's it like to sit in a room full of women and not feel like an outsider. 

I've been listening to a podcast lately that my daughter introduced me to. It's called Ologies with Alie Ward (https://www.alieward.com/ologies) and I LOVE it. Ward talks about all kinds of things I didn't know I wanted to know about. I highly recommend it!

Stretch. Reach. Grow. And learn something new today.

 

Explore : Write 28 Days

Explore. Such a good word for this day. I'm on a retreat this weekend at the Rockvale Writers' Colony enjoying the company of other writers as we explore Julia Cameron's wonderful book The Artist's Way. 

I have to admit I never read the entire book, but I have dreamed on it over the years, perhaps afraid I was being too extravagant by seeing myself at an artist. When I saw that the Colony was offering a weekend retreat focusing on the book, I jumped at the chance to go away and focus on it with other like-minded people.

This weekend is giving me the opportunity to explore that book, my dreams, my discipline, and this lovely environment. So much exploration! 

Enough : Write 28 Days

Enough is as good as a feast.
I've heard it my whole life.

As a child, I was regularly told that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Probably true, but food was comfort in those days. As I've gotten older (and wiser, I hope) I realize the value of this proverb.

Enough is defined as - occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.

It's a concept that Americans seem to struggle with. Enough to meet needs. We don't like to stop at that point. We want insurance. A backup plan. And so we hoard -- money, food, surplus ANYTHING, in case we might need more,

I am reminded of 2 Bible stories. The first is of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.

11 The Lord said to Moses, 12 “I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, ‘At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God.’”

13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, “What is it?” For they did not know what it was.

Moses said to them, “It is the bread the Lord has given you to eat. 16 This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Everyone is to gather as much as they need. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.’”

17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed.

19 Then Moses said to them, “No one is to keep any of it until morning.”

20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.

21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as they needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, “This is what the Lord commanded: ‘Tomorrow is to be a day of sabbath rest, a holy sabbath to the Lord. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.’”

24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 “Eat it today,” Moses said, “because today is a sabbath to the Lord. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any.” (Exodus 16)

The second story is the parable of the rich fool.

16 And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. 17 He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’

18 “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. 19 And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’

20 “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’

21 “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.” (Luke 12)

"But if I'm content with a little, enough is as good as a feast." -- Isaac Bickerstaffe