Surprise : Write 28 Days

Surprise! We're half-way through this challenge and I've only missed one day. Yay, for me!!!

I started writing this blog in 2009. When I started it I felt selfish and sure that my motivations were far from admirable. I had all kinds of information, ideas, memories, and beliefs floating around in my head, and the only way I knew to get them out and potentially organized was to write. But I couldn't just do it for myself, because I needed external validation. My belief that something I thought or felt was valid just wasn't enough. Someone else's words were needed to prove the veracity of my feelings. 

For several years I wrote faithfully. Not necessarily every day, but several times a week. And it helped. It helped me, and I was getting feedback from others who were benefiting from my writing. I felt validated. It was a good thing to write as long as others were being helped. 

Then my marriage started to unravel. We had been teetering on something for a long time. I kept trying to live the way he wanted. Eventually, I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I had to be who I was. That sounds so trite, but it's the reality of what was going on. Somewhere in that unraveling, I quit writing. 

This blog has always been the truth. Pretty or ugly, I've always tried to be unerringly honest. Maybe that was a way of testing my true feelings. Maybe it fed that need for someone to know about the awfulness without having to stand face to face with them. Whatever the reason, this space has always been about me and my life. When things began to unravel that didn't feel right or safe anymore. 

One of many surprises along this path has been how long it's taken to be able to embrace my authentic self in the aftermath of it all. I blithely thought that once the stress was removed (instantaneously) I would know how to live that way. The reality is that turning my life around took longer (is taking longer?) than I could have imagined. 

This past weekend's retreat was a blessing in so many ways, and along with the retreat, this challenge has gotten me back into writing regularly. For both of those events, I am so very grateful.

One quote from the weekend keeps repeating in my head -  

“Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

This time around I've allowed myself to be a bad artist. And the great surprise in that has been how quickly I've found my voice again. I don't know if I'm bad, mediocre, or good at this writing thing. What I do know is that I don't really care so much what anyone else thinks about it.

And that is the greatest surprise of all.

Explore : Write 28 Days

Explore. Such a good word for this day. I'm on a retreat this weekend at the Rockvale Writers' Colony enjoying the company of other writers as we explore Julia Cameron's wonderful book The Artist's Way. 

I have to admit I never read the entire book, but I have dreamed on it over the years, perhaps afraid I was being too extravagant by seeing myself at an artist. When I saw that the Colony was offering a weekend retreat focusing on the book, I jumped at the chance to go away and focus on it with other like-minded people.

This weekend is giving me the opportunity to explore that book, my dreams, my discipline, and this lovely environment. So much exploration! 

Turn

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

-- The Byrds

I look at where I am today, and I am reminded of the constant ebb and flow of life. I see changes everywhere.

Growth is painful, but necessary. If I'd known then what I know now 

. . . a useless endeavor.

So I'm turning in the direction of my dreams. Dreams too long put on hold. Scared and excited at the same time to be stepping out to take my turn.

As we act in the direction of our dreams, 

we are given strength and courage.

-- Julia Cameron

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Defining Myself

I have had a week of mini-epiphanies.

It started out with this quote:

 Remember that being a survivor is not an identity; it is an experience. An identity we hold onto; an experience we live through. 

-- Talking Trees

A reminder that I am more than my experiences. There is more to me than the fact that I am a survivor of abuse. I had to remind myself that it is okay that my primary identifying marker was "survivor" for awhile, but it's okay to move on from that.

Later in the week I ran across this:

There is the “event” of childhood sexual abuse that involves the actual acts that occurred. Then there is the experience of childhood sexual abuse that involves the before and after effects of the events. Many people “move on” from the event by forgiving their violator, removing themselves from the environment that supported the event, by achieving success that distracts them from the event, by forgetting the events, or simply ignoring the painful event. Healing from the experience, on the other hand, is much more difficult and complex. It requires a great degree of self-awareness; understanding the guilt and shame, changing damaging scripts in our head, paying attention to relationships and allowing the pain to transform into purpose. There are layers and layers of healing from the experience, which is why it is a life-long journey. It is too long of a journey to go alone. So let’s go together.

-- Talking Trees

A wonderful explanation of of the complexity of the healing process. A reminder that it's okay for it to take as long as it takes, as long as I am moving forward.

I've had a lot of quiet down time this week as I've been fighting a cold. Lots of solitude and little energy has meant sitting and thinking because I'm too tired to do anything. At first it was annoying, but then I began to realize that this illness was providing me with an opportunity I've been needing. Time to think about how far I've come. Where I am now. And what I want in the future. That it's okay to think about life that way -- what I want. It doesn't make me selfish. It makes me self aware.

Then this morning, this little gem:

If we stop trying to improve ourselves and start trying to delight ourselves, we get further as artists.
-- Julia Cameron

Well that pretty much says it all doesn't it? I've moved to a point I can see myself as an artist, and I'm tired of trying to improve. Ready to start delighting. 

This just might change everything.

linking up with Just Write