Defining Myself

I have had a week of mini-epiphanies.

It started out with this quote:

 Remember that being a survivor is not an identity; it is an experience. An identity we hold onto; an experience we live through. 

-- Talking Trees

A reminder that I am more than my experiences. There is more to me than the fact that I am a survivor of abuse. I had to remind myself that it is okay that my primary identifying marker was "survivor" for awhile, but it's okay to move on from that.

Later in the week I ran across this:

There is the “event” of childhood sexual abuse that involves the actual acts that occurred. Then there is the experience of childhood sexual abuse that involves the before and after effects of the events. Many people “move on” from the event by forgiving their violator, removing themselves from the environment that supported the event, by achieving success that distracts them from the event, by forgetting the events, or simply ignoring the painful event. Healing from the experience, on the other hand, is much more difficult and complex. It requires a great degree of self-awareness; understanding the guilt and shame, changing damaging scripts in our head, paying attention to relationships and allowing the pain to transform into purpose. There are layers and layers of healing from the experience, which is why it is a life-long journey. It is too long of a journey to go alone. So let’s go together.

-- Talking Trees

A wonderful explanation of of the complexity of the healing process. A reminder that it's okay for it to take as long as it takes, as long as I am moving forward.

I've had a lot of quiet down time this week as I've been fighting a cold. Lots of solitude and little energy has meant sitting and thinking because I'm too tired to do anything. At first it was annoying, but then I began to realize that this illness was providing me with an opportunity I've been needing. Time to think about how far I've come. Where I am now. And what I want in the future. That it's okay to think about life that way -- what I want. It doesn't make me selfish. It makes me self aware.

Then this morning, this little gem:

If we stop trying to improve ourselves and start trying to delight ourselves, we get further as artists.
-- Julia Cameron

Well that pretty much says it all doesn't it? I've moved to a point I can see myself as an artist, and I'm tired of trying to improve. Ready to start delighting. 

This just might change everything.

linking up with Just Write

Throwback Thursday -- A Repost

Stained Glass Epiphanies

originally posted 2/6/13

I grew up in the center of the Bible belt -- Nashville, Tennessee. I am the daughter of a conservative, evangelical minister who was a literature professor as well. In his spare time, he loved doing community theater.  A strange amalgamation.

I married a man raised in the Methodist church. His mother had been raised Catholic. We are an odd compilation. 

The first time it happened was in a church in a Key West, FL. My husband and I walked into an episcopal church just as tourists. I sat down in a pew and began to look around at the stained glass windows depicting different scenes from Bible stories with which I was all too familiar. And I began to cry.

It may have been the first crack in the armor I'd been using all my life. Armor established in early childhood to protect myself from the horrors of abuse, but also from the dissonance of my home life. A conservative minister, who gave me Stephen King and The Catcher in the Rye to read. Who took me to see The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds and Equus by the time I was 14, and quoted Mark Twain more than the Bible. 

I looked at those stained glass windows, and for the first time instead of seeing gaudy, papist opulence, I saw devotion and love between God and man. I saw a God who was in love in with me, instead of a God who held a rule book in one hand and ledger of misdeeds in the other. My husband sat beside me, and understood what I couldn't articulate. 

I've spent a lot of time since then looking, seeking, and reading. Trying to decode what were merely religious traditions from what God actually wants from me and for me. I still have more questions than answers, but it doesn't scare me the way it once did. 

Stained glass epiphanies.

Thankful Thursday #5

I've had a couple of epiphanies this past week. They've been a long time coming, so I'm trying to just be grateful for getting here, while not beating myself up about how long it's taken.

I was diagnosed almost 11 years ago with post traumatic stress disorder. Since that diagnosis, I have worked constantly on processing and reprocessing information to get myself reorganized mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

A few weeks ago I discontinued a relationship that was really painful for me. I have struggled with this decision for years, but I finally realized I had to have a break. Since breaking off communication with these people, I suddenly find myself happier, with more energy, and suddenly being able to do things just because I want to do them. 

It was pointed out to me recently that the change is the result of recognizing my value as a human being. By taking the stand for myself, I suddenly really see that I am valuable. That I am deserving of respect  from others as well as from myself.

This was a big event for me. I am really working on savoring this new sensation and recognizing it as a good thing. It's going to take a little time to get comfortable with this realization, but that's okay. I'm worth it.

Thanks be to God for realizations and growth.

link up at Grace Alone