Wednesday, April 1, 2015

blue ribbon -- a repost


every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt. 
the first time I did it, I worried about what people would think/say.
I worried they would ask what it meant.
I worried they wouldn't ask what it meant.
I worried about what I would say.
I worried about what I wouldn't say.
each year that I have worn the blue ribbon it has become a little easier to set aside the worrying -- to expect nothing -- to be happy with a good conversation -- to set aside the discomfort of others.
it hasn't gotten any easier to have them look away though.
as I was having blood drawn at the doctor's office, the technician said, "what's your pin for?"
"april is child abuse awareness month. I am a survivor."
"oh", startled, she looked away, and I felt it again. the guilt and shame. 
what did she think of me now?
should I have kept my mouth shut?
not worn my blue ribbon?
there was no more conversation and little eye contact. she drew my blood, while I dealt with the pain of the needle in my arm and the accusation in her looking away. I was damaged goods all over again. I was at fault. I was less than.
I read a post about seeing people.
all I want is to be seen for who I am. a grown woman who is still 5 years old inside, wishing someone would intercede for me. wishing I didn't feel guilty and ashamed for others' actions.
but every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt.

(this post was originally published April 13, 2012 -- I repost it every April in honor of Child Abuse Awareness Month)

11 comments:

  1. Pin it, friend. Boldly, PIN IT. You are redeemed by the Blood of The Lamb. xo

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  2. So powerful! Such a testimony for healing and living true... and such a great way to open the door to awareness!

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    1. Thank you. I got my first question this afternoon at the grocery store.

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  3. This is such a great testimony! You inspire me so much by sharing this. Look how God is using you literally everywhere you go.

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    1. That is so kind of you. I appreciate all the positive responses so very much.

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  4. Beautiful testimony friend! I didn't know April was Child Abuse Awareness month. Thanks for educating me and letting me know. Continue to pin your ribbon my friend.

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    1. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month (a teal ribbon). Unfortunately I fall into both categories, but I believe were it not for the childhood abuse, the rapes as an adult would not have happened.

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  5. Oh, my sweet friend. You are NOT less than. Others just don't understand or they may have experienced the same thing and be feeling the same feelings. You are a beloved child of God. And thank you for letting me know that April is Childhood Abuse Survivor's Month! I just listened to a TED talk about childhood abuse and trauma is the biggest health crisis in our country today (because of the way it affect the health of those who experienced it long after the abuse ends).

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I would LOVE to watch the TED talk. Can you send me the link?

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  6. I'm glad you pin on the blue ribbon. You give others who know the meaning the confidence to not be ashamed.

    The silence of the technician may have been not knowing what to say. Sort of like when there is a death or sickness in the family, some folks will avoid you.

    Take care.

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