Curious

Write 31 Days Day #18

This morning I got curious. When was the first time I participated in Write 31 Days? Turns out it was 2012. I had seen posts about it by Lisa-Jo Baker and Ann Voskamp and it made me curious.

I'd been blogging sporadically for 3 years and wanted to do more, but I needed some structure. So I set off on my first #write31days.

That year I made it all the way through. Other years haven't gone as well. So far this year I've made it 18 days and I have a few plans for the rest of the month. Plans! I NEVER make plans where my blog is concerned. It's as if it will jinx it somehow. The big bad out there in the universe will see that I'm feeling competent and come in and snatch the rug out from under me! 

I decided to share that first #write31days post from 2012 today because as I reread it I was pleased to see that I liked what I read. It was authentic. It was real. It was me. And that's the greatest gift blogging has provided. It's helped me realize I am really am the person who has all those quirky and squirrely thoughts in her head. And that's okay. But it's also made me curious to read about other people's lives and struggles. To connect by realizing that no one has it all together. And that's okay, too.


Day #1 (2012)--
I'm eclectic. Anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows that. I'm also insecure and full of self-doubt, but at the same time I am driven to write. I argue that it is to clear my own head, and that is true. But what is also true, is that I crave validation. Maybe everyone does. My need goes back to an abusive childhood where I was constantly denigrated. I want to trust in my own belief that I am a person of value. (All people have value because we are all made in God's image.) I know in my head that it is a good thing to share and talk and wonder, but my heart has difficulty following. I know others don't have it all together, but I have difficulty retaining that concept.

I started out by saying I'm eclectic. And I am, in decor and music and books and movies. But I'm also eclectic in emotion -- I was raised in the Bible belt and have the emotions and convictions of my conservative history. I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually by numerous individuals, so I have all of the baggage that implies. But I have a master's degree and was raised by a minister/American literature professor who quoted Mark Twain more than scripture. I love to cook and crochet and read and watch crime shows and independent films. I like k.d. lang, Evanescence, Michael Buble, and James Taylor.

So what does this tell you about me and why does it matter?
It matters because I need to feel that I matter to someone out there. That the abuser was wrong when she said she could drown me in the well and no one would even miss me.

Would you miss me?

Blessings!

The Gift of Listening

Write 31 Days Day #10

I need a lot of validation. Perhaps it's part of my basic make-up. Certainly, it has been exacerbated by the abuse I experienced. For a very long time, I believed I was alone in this need. Not surprisingly, I find I am not.

As humans, we all want to belong, be accepted, loved, understood, and appreciated. We all crave it so badly that we often forget it's a two-way street.

I've been reading Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker as part of my morning devotional. I really can't recommend it highly enough. She and I are opposite sides of the same coin, so it's been especially good for me to read from her perspective. I am introverted and process things by writing or thinking them through. She is all about the talking. 

One similar trait that has surprised me, is how difficult listening can be. For her, it's about needing to make comparisons to her own experiences or trying to fix the other's problems. While for me, it's about needing to be constantly reassured that I am understood. That the listener doesn't think I'm crazy and isn't lying to me when they say they believe me. 

For years I've used the phrase "compassionate witnesses" to describe those who have listened to my experiences. I've worked to become a better listener myself -- quieting the need to insert ME into every scenario. I used to believe that need was a result of self-centeredness, but I am beginning to understand it's actually the result of humanness. We all see the world and other's experiences through our own lens. How else could we see things? The goal is learning to get outside of ourselves and just see the other person. Not fix them. Not analyze them. Just love them. 

It's hard to love someone when you aren't listening to them. When you're constantly making assumptions and transferring your own issues onto another you can't truly see them for who they really are.

I want compassionate witnesses in my life. But more and more, I'm desiring to be a compassionate witness for others. 

". . . listening is the most powerful gift we can give . . ."

-- Lisa-Jo Baker

Blessings!

Hummingbirds and Validation

I'm sitting looking out of my front window, watching the hummingbirds swirl around the feeder. I wonder why they fuss and run each other off when there is plenty to go around. There are four feeding stations, but only one will land at a time and if another tries to land there is a power struggle with both flying to chase the other away. Which of course means no one gets to eat.

And I'm remembering dreams from last night. Dreams that are not reality, but it's obvious where reality intersects. The struggle for acceptance and inclusion. And that constant grasping can sometimes mean no one gets their needs met. So I laugh at the hummingbirds, and try to see myself in their dance.

I've been dancing as fast as I can for most of my life -- and not in a good way. The dance to be accepted, appreciated, validated, understood. Always looking for those things in someone else's eyes. If I can just get it right, they'll validate me, right? So if they don't validate me, it's my fault. And therein lies the flaw. The lie. That validation has to come from someone other than me. Someone other than God. 

I was validated the minute Christ let himself be put on the cross. I was validated when God created me. My validation is not and has never been about anything I do or don't do, or about anything that was done to me. My validation is that I am a child of God. Grafted into his family by the gift of Christ's blood.

But . . . 

“When I used to talk about myself or my abuse, I heard a familiar accusation: ‘You just want attention’. Those words echoed from my childhood. My parents’ dismissal told me I was undeserving of attention and I should be ashamed for asking for it. As time passed, anytime I ever got attention, instead of feeling validation, I felt guilt. I was “wasting someone’s time” since I was a waste of time. Once I dealt with the origin of that belief and the shame, I could enjoy attention without the accusations.” -- Christina Enevoldsen

Oh yes, I have been there for so long. I want to reach that place Enevoldsen talks about. That place where I can enjoy attention without feeling I've done something wrong. Because we all want attention, acceptance, validation. It's who we are to want to feel loved and important. And every child deserves that. 

So for today I'm going to work on remembering the hummingbirds, and the notion that there is plenty of love and acceptance and validation to go around, so it's okay for me take hold of my portion. It's mine, and I'm not keeping anyone else from getting their portion.

linking up with imperfect prose

Validation

Validation is a huge part of recovery. Initially I sought validation from others. I tried talking with family members -- checking their memories of events. Any time they remembered even a small piece of the puzzle it helped me have a little more faith in my own memories. Validation = To establish the soundness of; corroborate. Synonyms --confirm.

So when my sister remembered the night I threw up at my cousin's house, it helped. When my dad volunteered that his uncle's whiskey of choice was Jack Daniels, it helped. When my mother suggested the name of an abuser I could only describe, it helped.

But validation comes in other forms as well. When I called and emailed the girlfriend of one abuser, and she wouldn't respond to me, my counselor showed me the validation in that. I figured she just didn't remember me. His take was different. Maybe I had scared the s**t out of her, because she thought I was going to "out" her.

Ultimately, validation, has to come from myself. I can't spend my whole life waiting for someone else to confirm my own memories for me. Validation is about trusting myself. Trusting my memories. Trusting my motivations. 

It's a long and curving road to that level of validation. I'm further down that road than I used to be, but I can quite see the end just yet.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Thankful Thursday #15

After a week of depression, sadness, anxiety, and generally bad feelings, yesterday was a turn around.


One of my favorite bloggers, Inner Pickle, commented about me on her blog and even posted a link! I was so excited when I realized that I was the "Melanie" to whom she was referring. What a neat feeling to be read by someone I love to read.


Wednesday is counseling day, and we worked some more on a very difficult episode of abuse. I came away from the session with some good realizations: I did fight back and I wasn't weak, I just did what I had to do and I used the best judgment I had at that moment. We also spent some time talking about the benefit of this blog. It has helped me so much to have a forum from which to share on a regular basis.


Finally, as I was preparing dinner, I jumped online again to see if I had any new comments, and I did. From another site that I've been silently stalking, Imperfect Prose, Emily liked what I had written on Easter Sunday.


Validation is something I crave, and over the years I have gotten very little. To have other people, strangers, comment positively on my inner most thoughts and feelings is amazingly empowering for me.


So today, as I said on Sunday, I find myself with gratitude in my heart. But unlike Sunday, I am also feeling joy. Another reminder of the continuing love and grace from my Father above, often bestowed by His children here on earth. 


Blessings and peace.
link up at Grace Alone

Thankful Thursday

:: a good talk yesterday with my therapist.

getting validation and new information is 

remarkably beneficial

:: the opportunity to help someone else.

I got to play with sweet Micah

while his momma packed boxes.

I also got to play with Sarge the dog 

-- part lab/part Great Pyrenees

:: quiet time to think and process

new and old information.

time to think is never to be underestimated!

:: the realization that I don't have to have

all the answers.

I am the only one who really thinks I should.

:: getting back into a good Bible study.

the book of Daniel is quite fascinating

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

for more Thankful Thursday visit Grace Alone