Here's the thing about blogging about recovery. It's not a straight line, which can sometimes leaving me feeling as if people read and get really frustrated with me.
From the beginning of this path, one of my biggest fears was being judged by others. I needed EVERYONE'S approval, love, and acceptance. I suppose that was the only way I believed I could be safe. Of course the flaw in that concept is that it is impossible. No one is going to get approval, love, and acceptance all the time from everyone. It's not only impossible, it's not valuable. I suppose I had some sort of system in my head. There were people whose approval I knew I didn't need or want, based on their behavior. But I had a hierarchy that needed to be followed.
I still find myself caught up in the need for approval. I'll question conversations, text messages, or Facebook comments to see if I said anything I shouldn't have. Did I use the wrong word in that context, or worse yet misuse a word all together!
It's easier to let it go when it's via social media, but with people I see regularly it can be difficult, mostly because they are the one's who mean the most to me. The ones I want to love me unconditionally.
I've been working on finding out my passions in this new year. Focusing on the things that bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled. Yesterday our minister asked us to answer some questions this week
-- 1)Who am I when no one is around? 2) What breaks my heart?
3) What am I going to do about it? 4) How will our congregation become more kingdom because of me? And then he read Exodus 24:7 -- Then he took the book of the covenant, and read it in the hearing of the people; and they said, “All that the Lord has spoken we will do, and we will be obedient.”
He commented on the fact that the Israelites didn't necessarily understand why God wanted them to do all these things, but they agreed to do them, and then came to understand them. Sometimes we need to do the same thing. Practice God's word even if we aren't clear on the outcome. And nowhere in that does it tell me to make sure everyone likes me and approves of me. I'm told to obey with love for all.
So I'm working on that this week. Being in His word. Finding my passion in His kingdom. And following in obedience with love for all, myself included.
(You can listen to the entire sermon here.)