Thursday, February 12, 2015

Hollow Times

It's flurrying outside my window. Thirty degrees with a cold wind blowing. The wind chimes have a hollow sound in the crisp, cold air. 

I've been feeling a bit hollow myself lately. Some struggles that have been intense. Intense in a different way than the childhood abuse issues that I know too well. I've been asking myself a lot of questions about choices and decisions I've made over the years. I've been thinking a lot about what I want from the future.

I haven't had any epiphanies or movie moment catharses, but I have been reminded again of my own strength. I've had to put into practice all the "training" I've been doing for the past years in therapy. I've studied situations and relationships. I've questioned my motives and desires. I've looked for and found evidence to support my reactions, but perhaps most importantly, I've been reminded, yet again, that secret keeping will kill you. Maybe not physically (although that is a possibility), but definitely emotionally. None of us were meant to live in a vacuum, and attempting to dwell there is a sure path to living death.

I've also been reminded that people are kinder and more generous than I imagine them to be. The abusers taught me that people can turn on a dime. I developed a "trust no one" mentality based on the actions of a few horrible people. That has led me to follow the same path in most of my relationships. And that is a lonely path. I've reached out this time, trusting that my circle of friends won't turn on me, and they haven't. They have lifted me up and supported me, with words of love and kindness and, well, support. 

I didn't mean to stop writing. Yet every time I tried to write it felt inauthentic. I've said before I write what I feel and experience. If what I'm feeling and experiencing is tied up in someone else's struggles I have difficulty sharing, because it's not all mine. 

The good news in all of this has been my ability to stand up for myself and have a good outcome. Everything isn't roses, but it's better. And it's true and real. 

A special thank you to my bestie for listening and giving humor, comfort, and advice. Also too, MLH in San Francisco for all the same and a chance to get out of town and have some fun. 

I hope I'm back to writing more regularly, because I missed it. 

Blessings.

7 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about missing writing. It's so hard for me to do it but I know I need to!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post resonates so much with me. I've been going through something similar lately and haven't been writing as much either. I think on a certain level, I've always known that holding onto secrets can kill you, but it hasn't been until recently that I've come to a deeper realization of this. I've been letting go of a few of my secrets and am determined to speak out about some things that are near and dear to my heart so as to encourage others to have the courage to reach out and not feel that they must struggle in silence. ((((hugs)))) I'm going to try to write more myself now. Let's encourage one another in this! :) Stopping by from 31 Days Survivors!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so glad that you continue to work through things and figure things out--it takes a strong person to do that! May God continue to be with you on your journey to living a whole and free life!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope you are too. I am glad to hear that you have felt empowered enough to stand up for yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know my writing is usually the first thing to go, but really, it needs to be one of the last. You're so right, life is not a vacuum, awaiting is such a wonderful way to step out of that tendency.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope you find that your writing helps you sort things out, make it right. Run to Jesus!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Secrets kill faster than most things. Keep up the good fight. It takes courage and persistence. Just know that you are supported.

    ReplyDelete

Please sign up as a follower to see comment replies.