Fajitas and Honesty

Last night we went to dinner with a "new" group of people. Some of them we already knew, but others we'd never met. This is just the kind of social setting that has induced major panic and anxiety for me in the past. There was none (well maybe a smidgen) last night. I don't know why specifically, but I'm choosing to see it as another positive step in recovery. 


Dh and I joined a new congregation about a year ago. We really like it and are finding a niche for ourselves. The congregation has a program called Life Groups. You may be familiar with it. Small groups are formed from the congregation for fellowship, Bible study, home church, and accountability. It's a really great concept, but it can be daunting finding a group where you can feel comfortable. 


Last night we sat around eating fajitas and talking about all kinds of things -- some church related, some not. There were a dozen or so of us there, and dh and I were the "newbies". I knew maybe four of the people before we got there. One was from my "previous" life -- the brother of a guy I went to school with. Invariably familial connections were made and revealed. My dad is a relatively well known person in our area -- he was teacher for many years and lots of people had him for classes. Dh let it slip who he was and it opened a swell of comments, questions, and recognition.


I've seen it before. I'm a nice enough person, and then the other person finds out I'm HIS daughter. I can watch their minds whirring as they make connections to him or things they know about him or things they think they know about him. It changes their perception of me, I think. Sometimes good -- sometimes bad. I joke and say I should have his name tattooed on my head!


When I was younger, I enjoyed being known as his daughter. It gave me an identity. As I've gotten older, it's more of an annoyance. My father and I do not see eye to eye on some things, most importantly, dealing with my past. Don't get me wrong -- my dad loves me, but he's never been able/willing to truly support me regarding the abuse I suffered as a child and young adult.


One of the other people I already knew in the group has worked with the wife of one of the abusers. After the meeting broke up, I pulled her aside and asked if she knew anything about my past from this woman. She assured me that she  did not. I explained a little about the abuse and how it had impacted my relationship with this other woman (sorry to be vague, but I try not out anybody! Lets call the Life Group lady Kay.) Kay was very kind and understanding about my concerns. If I'm going to be in a group where openness and accountability are part of the process, I needed to know where I stood with her. 


She believed me immediately regarding the abuse. This still surprises me. Why do people just take my word for it? Why do acquaintances instantly accept my story when my family found it so hard to accept? I do understand on the one hand, but on the other it is confounding for me.


We had a good time last night and were invited back to the next meeting. I guess we passed muster! It's an interesting process opening up and sharing with new people. 


I'll keep you posted.