Sunday Musings

It is Sunday morning and I'm sitting at my kitchen table with my computer and a mug of Cranberry Blood Orange tea.

I overslept so I won't be making it to worship this morning, but that's really just a convenient excuse. I'm struggling this morning with all the changes in my life. I want to pour it all out here on my blog, but there are issues with that. I want to be writing every day, but I don't like feeling constrained by the need to be vague. But I'm not comfortable baring my soul just yet.

So I sit here typing vague and random words and phrases because I believe that if I can't explain why I'm feeling this way, then my feelings are invalid. I need to explain why I feel these things so that everyone will understand and agree that my feelings are appropriate.

Convoluted? I suppose, but it's how my brain has worked for so long that it's more automatic than rationally thought through. 

I like my new place, but there's still a lot of work to be done. I worry that I'm being by judged by those around me for not having gotten more done. For wasting time that could be used to get things in order so I can "get on" with my life. I make lists and start out well, but as the day wears on I run out of emotional steam to get things done. I begin to wonder, "What's the point?" and "Who am I doing this for?"

I know the "right" answer is I'm doing for myself. So I can have a comforting, inviting place to call to home, but I've never been very good at doing things for myself. When I have been able to, it often leads to guilty feelings that I am just a self-centered person. 

Understand I'm not looking for pity here, but I am trying to work through some feelings and coping skills that I know aren't in my best interest. But I'm tired of working so hard. I'm tired of feeling as if I may be a burden to those around me. I'm tired of being needy. I crave normalcy, but I don't even know what normal is going to look like now. 

I have no answers except the repetition of phrases I've been using for years to deal with the lasting effects of abuse -- be kind to yourself, rest, eat as well as you can, get some exercise to help with anxiety and depression. 

As this day progresses I will do those things to the best of my ability with the knowledge that, even though I believe at times I am the only one struggling with these things, the reality is I am not alone. Hopefully by sharing my struggles I can help someone else who's feeling the same things I feel today.

Blessings.

The First Sunday of October

I'm in a new place, both figuratively and literally. It's going to take a lot of getting used to. Some of it is coming together pretty well, while other portions are pretty much a rollercoaster ride. 

I found my robe this morning, so that was nice. And yesterday I got my prayer bench set up. I'm dogsitting for a little Schnauzer (not my favorite breed, but Charlie's a good girl), and this morning I'm heading out to worship on my own in a new place to call home.

That's a lot to take in all at once.

I know some of the people at this church. My best friend and her family attend there, and I've met several people through her and know a few more on my own. It's still odd though to be heading out to a new place all on my own. If anyone had asked me what I'd be doing in my 54th year on earth, this wouldn't have been on my list.

But I'm trusting in God to lead me as He always has. I'm trusting His time and His knowledge to get me centered and integrated into this new way of living.

Life is not a constant, but rather a constantly shifting paradigm. Change is the norm. And if I can't learn to accept that I will find myself in turmoil all the time. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NRSV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not rely on your own insight.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

This Time Last Year

Last year about this time I wrote a piece called Scarred. It's interesting to go back see where I was and what I was doing a year ago. I gain some perspective of time and healing. And that is a very good thing.

I stand by all that I said in that post. Emotional scars do smooth over. I can't say I've reached the point where my past doesn't show up every day, but the impact from it is so much lower. It happened. It is fact. It is history.

The present has a way of supplanting the past. That's generally a good thing as moving forward is what I strive for. But sometimes that forward movement requires me to look back and examine how the past is impacting and informing the present.

Right now I'm going through a difficult time. Things are not right in my world, but they are not right in a way I don't feel good writing about. That is problematic for me. I use this space for processing. But here is what I can share I'm 53 years old. My children are grown and practically on their own. My husband is mid-job change, and I don't know what my next phase looks like. 

Maybe I should have planned more for this. Maybe I should have been thinking about this time, but the truth is I'm a live-in-the-moment kind of person. I've never found 5 year plans to be very helpful mostly because life (at least mine) is messy. Plan all you want but be prepared for it to go to hell in a handbasket at the drop of a hat.

I don't think that's negative. I think it's reality. So I'm looking at options. A new career path? A return to the life of a librarian? Part-time? Full-time? A major change or a minor shift? Who knows? I certainly don't.

I recently told a friend I needed God to come down and smite me on the head for clarity. I'm not usually one to wonder and fret over what God wants me to do, but I've been fretting a lot lately and I need that to change.

So if anyone has a good job idea for an undecided former stay at home mom with a masters in libary science who really only wants to work about 20 hours a week and make really good money, could you shoot me an email or just reply to this post? 

Or maybe I should just buy a lottery ticket.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Changed

Things have changed in my world. It wasn't overnight, but they are big changes. And we're not finished. I don't know what the end result is going to look like, but going backwards is not an option.

Some of the changes were predictable. My kids have grown up. My daughter is out on her own living life as an adult, and doing quite well, thank you very much. If you'd told me just a few years ago that's where we'd be I would never have believed you.

My son is about to start is final semester in college. He's away right now on his first "adult" trip -- he planned and organized the whole thing and is driving across the country with his best friend seeing the sights and experiencing the great outdoors the way he loves. 

Those little babies I worried over have changed. They are grown-ups. Fully functional, "I can take care of myself" adults. I am so very proud of both of them. It also means I've done my job. Not that I'm no longer a mom because I'll always be that, but there's a fundamental shift in the relationship once you reach this point. I'm a touchstone for my kids. They know I'm here. They know I'll listen, talk, advise, and empathize, but they have their own lives to live now, and that's a good thing. (As long as they stay in touch regularly!)

So whether I like it or not, it's time for a change in my job description. It's unrealistic to limit myself to stay-at-home-mom at this point as I don't have any kids to be at home with anymore. I'm just not sure what I want that new job description to say. 

I've looked at some part-time opportunities and applied for a couple of full-time positions that didn't pan out. I'm not really sorry the full-time didn't happen. I don't really want a 9-to-5 job if I don't have to have one. But I'm noticing the truth in something I was told a long time ago. It's pretty hard for a 53-year-old woman to compete with all those 20-somethings searching for jobs. I'm fully qualified. I have a masters degree in my field from a good university. But I have a feeling that on paper I don't look very impressive with those longs breaks from employment. It's difficult to get credit for being a SAHM in the workplace. Most people just don't realize what good training that can be for almost any job.

I'm not complaining. I don't HAVE to get a job right now. No one is going to starve or go without anything if I don't go to work, and I have absolute faith that God will provide whatever I need. I'm just wondering out loud about this point in my life. There is a lot of change going on, which leads to a lot of uncertainty, which means I'm trusting in God more and more.

And that is a good thing.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

:: Change

Things change. It's a fact of life. Like the line in "Finding Nemo" where the dad promises he won't let anything ever happen to Nemo. Ridiculous. Things happen. Things change. Without change there would be no living.

That doesn't mean it's not difficult sometimes. Embracing changes can be hard, even the good ones. 

We're going through changes around our house. Our daughter recently got a full-time job and moved into her first apartment. Her bedroom's not "hers" anymore. It's the guest room now. That's going to take a bit of getting used to, but I'm embracing the fun of a bit of redecorating while she's embracing some new and much deserved freedom.

Our son is going to college here in town this year and will be living at home. Mostly a good thing and nice having him around, but it is a struggle sometimes for mom and dad and a 21 year old to figure out boundaries.

Alan is moving from grad school classes to practicum and internship. Not a huge shift, but a shift nonetheless.

And me. I'm not sure. More writing time I hope. Crafting. A new style of homemaking as the demographics change around here. Who knows, maybe a part time job is in my near future.

Change is unavoidable. I choose to embrace it and assume positive thoughts as I look ahead.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Ramblings

We spent a week diving in Bonaire. 

I'm still recovering from our vacation, but I did have a few thoughts flit through my head at various moments that I wanted to share before they were lost to the din of daily of life.

Alan is a photographer. He especially loves underwater photography. Unfortunately on this trip he had a few technical difficulties so there aren't as many photos as usual. On one of our last dives (I'm not sure which as they all run together for me) it occurred to me that this time I would just "be" in the moment of the dives. There might not be photos to help me remember things, but by the same token, without photos as a goal I became less focused on finding the right fish or coral formation to point out for a photo op. Instead it became about seeing things and trying to store them away for the future.

This may not be a great revelation for you, but it was for me. I tend to live my life looking forward so much so that I miss out on the now. 

I approached this vacation with some reticence because on our last dive vacation things didn't go well for me. I was really worried I'd have the same ear problems as last time, or that I would just decide I didn't like diving after all. Neither of those things happened. What did happen was I told Alan exactly how I was feeling, above and below the water. I didn't try to second guess what he wanted from me. I did things I like to do (naps by the pool, for example) without guilt or worrying about what he would think.

The fascinating thing to me is how much more fun I had just by letting go. I don't think of myself as a controlling person. I don't try to control other people, but I do try to control situations. It's a safety mechanism that lingers from my childhood experiences. And I let go of some of that on this trip. 

I hope I'll have some pictures to share in the next few days as Alan edits the ones he was able to get. We saw some amazing things -- lion fish, iguana, lizards, cave drawings, goats, and lots of donkeys! We ate some great food, and did our usual enjoyment of desserts, especially ice cream. 

We came home still liking each other which is always a good thing, but especially so this time as dd moved while we gone. Yes, we knew it was happening, but it was still a bit surreal to come home and find her bedroom practically empty. She is settling into her first apartment and full-time job, and we are acclimating to the realization that she doesn't live her anymore. It's a good thing all around, but it feels very different.

Rambling a bit today, but I wanted to say hi and share.

Thanks for all of you who read and comment. You are a blessing.

Growing Pains

I have growing pains.

Not the bone and muscle type, but rather the brain and emotions kind. I'm working on a new aspect of learning to trust myself and step out in that trust, and sometimes it hurts.

The hubs and I are going scuba diving in Bonaire next month. Exciting, yes. But I've gained weight since the last time we dove, and the last trip didn't go as planned. I wound up with a damaged eardrum after the first dive and that was it for me for the whole trip. So I've got a bit of anxiety going into this next trip.

This morning I was shopping online for dive skins. I wear a shortie dive suit, but have had some trouble with rashes and such on previous dives, so I've decided to get some kind of rash guard to wear under my shortie. Now here's the thing. Most divers in ads and catalogs are super-fit, model-skinny, sweet young things. None of those adjectives fit me. I'm middle aged, overweight, mildly fit. I tend to look like a penguin in my dive gear (or sometimes a manatee, depending on my mood). Shopping for a bathing suit is not fun for most women. Now ratchet it up by a factor of 10 and you've got some idea of what shopping for dive wear is like.

I like to dive. My husband LOVES to dive. It's something I learned to do to spend time with him. So I don't want the process of looking for equipment to dull the excitement. I don't want to let the fact that I'm not thin keep me from doing something that's fun for us, together. 

So I Googled plus sized dive skins this morning. And I found out that I am not alone. I found a whole thread of discussions on where to look and what to order. I found frank, honest discussions by people, like me, who don't fit the traditional mold for divers, talking about how to accommodate bigger bodies and short legs. 

Don't misunderstand, I'd love to lose some of this extra weight. And I'm working on it, but I'm tired of letting it dampen my enjoyment of activities that I love.

If you're in the ocean next month and a penguin (or manatee) swims by with blue stripes, don't panic. It's just me embracing myself and working on those growing pains.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

:: right now ::

I'm looking around at things and seeking lots of changes. in my home. in my kids. in me.

change is inevitable, and sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's not.

but today, I'm celebrating change.

here. now. this way.

:: words from my daughter -- 
Everywhere! Things that had seemed mundane are now bright. But the bright things looking brighter does at times mean the dark things look darker. Yin and yang. Dark and light. This is our world and i wish more people could wake up and truly see it.

:: my son home from college --

:: my return beading, for the love of it --

:: creating my summer environment --

:: playing with yarn for the fun of it --

:: accepting chaos as I work to achieve order --

:: this verse (Isaiah 43:1) --

But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob, 

he who formed you, O Israel: 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have called you by name, you are mine.

:: recognizing some truths as I heal --

Effort born out of striving to please God never ceases to tire us. 

Effort born out of resting in his pleasure never ceases to renew us.

TrueFaced

peace and blessings to you all 

Change

Change is good, at least that's what "they" say.
When my kids were little, I had one who rolled with the punches, embraced rearranged furniture. The other not so much. He'd come unglued at the mere suggestion of a change.
Myself, I like superficial changes. I love rearranging furniture (plus it's the only way I'm ever going to willingly deep clean!).
Deeper change is really hard for me, and I feel as if I've been in deeper change mode for a long time.
Real change is exhausting, time consuming, and freeing.
Recently I've done some changing with regard to family connections. Change without a road map is especially difficult, but I've had some really good guides along this road.
The big thing I keep telling myself is, "Change is not a destination, it's a process".

linking up at 5 Minute Friday