Thursday, January 10, 2013

Haunted

What haunts me most is how long it stayed buried. How long I lived with it in me and affecting my every thought, without even being aware. 


I lived from the time I was 4 years old until I was 38 without telling anyone, or addressing any of it. One random incident occasionally passed through my head, but I felt so guilty, so dirty, so evil, that I brushed it aside as quickly as I could. I had obviously done some terrible, unforgivable things. I was irredeemable. But maybe if I could keep that one memory buried I could be good enough to make up for it somehow.

So I was haunted then by a single memory. And now I'm haunted by all the other memories that were buried and I didn't even know they were there until I acknowledged that one memory for what it was -- abuse. Not me making a bad choice, or me being a bad person. Me being violated, abused, taken advantage of by a monster.

And that was 12 years ago. Twelve years of hashing through muck and mire to retrieve a lost soul. To find out who I really am, and realize that all that muck and mire, and the survival of it, made me who I am today.

So while I'm still haunted by events from my past, and I'm haunted by the portions of my life that feel muted by the effort to keep the memories at bay, I'm also starting to remember some good things I had forgotten, and maybe there will be more reminiscing and less haunting in the coming year.

linking up with Mama Kat

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you (or anyone) had to go through that. I'm glad you are finding your strength.

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  2. As a survivor can I give you a little advice. It may not be what you want to hear right now but please take from it what you can.

    I'm now in my 60's and at last have realised that what went on in the past is exactly that - In The Past.

    It no longer plays a part in the life I lead now, it happened in a different time, a time when I was helpless to do anything about it, either mentally or physically.

    The happenings In The Past have made me a stronger person, if I survived that I must be strong mustn't I?

    To continually revive the events of your past is to taint the life you're living now, nothing is to be gained by it. My advice is to look forwards not back.

    Life is so desperately short, I revel in every moment of my life now, of course not everything in life is rosy but compared to past events it is truly wonderful.

    It takes time to realise that dwelling on past events or constantly bringing those things to the surface is detrimmental to the happiness of life NOW.

    Live in the moment, this moment is all we have.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your pain, but even happier that you have learned leave it in the past. I assure you that is my goal as well, and I have come SO far in the past 12 years. I do feel passionately about sharing my to help others. Thanks for the advice and stopping by to visit. Blessings!

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    2. Melanie, as a survivor, I completely agree with you. Everyone says "leave the past in the past". The harsh reality is, if, you don't face your past, you can not move forward in the present or the future. Holding in such things creates serious emotional, mental and physical ailments. I know, I'm also a survivor of several massive heart attacks and as a teen, suffered a nervous breakdown. I have fought depression most of my life and all of this done in silence.

      However, facing it, dealing with it, talking about it, writing about it, and sharing it with others, allowed me, as it has you, to let go and move on. I loved your honesty and your braveness in sharing your journey.

      Your past brought you to where you are today, too many people (children/youth) are told to keep quiet about the past and let it go. Worst advice they could EVER possibly be given. What happened to them needs to be validated and dealt with, not swept under the rug.

      Keep up the great work!

      Glenda

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    3. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your suffering, and hope that you can find more help as you move forward. I too believe that the only way to truly heal is to investigate and learn and understand my past. I do not see this as dwelling in the past, but rather as investing in myself and my future to help others as well as myself. Peace and blessings to you!

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  3. Such a sad thought that you were abused or anyone else for that matter. Such a horrible thing to happen.

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  4. This is so sad to me...thinking about that little girl who had to push those memories down to self protect. I'm so glad you're confronting those memories head on and learning to how best to live with them.

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  5. In recovery circles the mantra is "the only way out is through" and I BELIEVE that. If you don't address the hauntings and the dreams and the other things that invade your now time, they will continue to follow you...till you find healing or at least see them for what they were. I do not ever want to tell someone who survived something bad, that was yesterday just move on and forget. No God gave us memories for a reason and what the mind doesn't remember the body will. Believe me... the only way out is through.

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    1. I have certainly found this to be true for me! I swore when I went into counseling 12 years ago that I wouldn't stop until I was finished with it all. I'm loathe to say this for fear of jinxing things, but the end may be in sight for weekly counseling anyway. I am proud of what I have accomplished. Memory pain is greatly diminished and I have a much better perspective and outlook than ever before. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

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