Just Write

Just write the prompt says.

That's how I process most things. I write it out until I feel better, or understand better, or see more clearly.

But sometimes . . . sometimes writing doesn't come. I avoid writing about the hard stuff, because maybe no one else will think it's hard. Maybe someone will laugh at me. Maybe no one will understand.

Last week was that way. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about, I just didn't know how to say it and feel safe. 

I write about a lot of difficult things in this space. I write about a lot of good things here as well. I'm pretty open (some might say ridiculously so), but even I have limits. For me it's usually about collateral damage. I can say whatever I want to about myself. I can say whatever I want to about the abusers because I don't name names. What I can't (won't) do is talk about people currently in my life and the tough stuff that happens with them sometimes, even if it's tied up in healing from abuse. 

Last week was one of those weeks when the tough stuff with the people I love the most was all I could think about, and little or no processing seemed to be happening. The truth is processing was going on, it was just really difficult. I am an extremist. People are good or bad -- there is no continuum. There are only absolutes. I recognize that's something I need to work on, and I am, but it still gets in the way sometimes. 

When someone I love and trust does something that hurts, and I can't make it understood why it hurts, I fall back into old routines and patterns. Extremes. That's a bad place to be. 

So last week was a quiet week, and maybe that's okay. Maybe I don't have to share every single struggle in this space. That's another issue for me -- does incomplete disclosure equal lying? I know the answer, but sometimes (when things are tough) I fall back into old beliefs. We all do. The key is to face those thoughts and beliefs head on with facts, truth, and evidence. Challenge those patterns.

I've done some challenging over the past couple of days. Verbally. With trusted confidantes. And I'm feeling a bit less extreme, and more centered. 

So I sit down at my computer and just write.


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