Thursday, January 23, 2014

Punched

I've been punched several times in the past few weeks. Not literally, but figuratively. It doesn't lessen the pain, though.

A couple of triggers and a flashback have left me feeling vulnerable and paranoid. I'm working through the pain, and I know I'm in a much better place to deal with these episodes.

But . . .

I'm dealing with memory pain, low self esteem, negative thinking, and just a general sense of being a failure.

This morning my bestie called to check on me. I told her the one positive thing I've gotten from this latest round of "abuse roulette" is the realization that I used to feel this way ALL THE TIME. I walked around in this much pain and feeling this badly about myself, and I still washed clothes, fed my family, shopped for groceries, helped with homework, gave baths, showered and dressed myself, worked part-time, and got to church most Sundays. 

I guess I was doing better than I thought.

Abuse and recovery are a volatile combination. The ups and downs can drive me nutty (but maybe that's just real life for everyone). 

Right now I'm struggling with viewing myself as weak and disgusting. I recognize that's the abuse talking, and I know from personal experience I can get beyond it. It's just going to take some time and kindness on my part.

And maybe a punching bag.


linking up with Writer's Workshop


8 comments:

  1. "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” You can do it.

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  2. I wish I could take all the negative away and fill it with kittens or something. I can't imagine trying to cope with an abuse roulette.

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  3. this is healing... it doesn't look like it, but I believe it's the beginning of a huge amount of healing. believing in this for you.

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  4. It is so healthy to see our progress in what the Lord has taught us and led us through. Great post!

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