A couple of triggers and a flashback have left me feeling vulnerable and paranoid. I'm working through the pain, and I know I'm in a much better place to deal with these episodes.
But . . .
I'm dealing with memory pain, low self esteem, negative thinking, and just a general sense of being a failure.
This morning my bestie called to check on me. I told her the one positive thing I've gotten from this latest round of "abuse roulette" is the realization that I used to feel this way ALL THE TIME. I walked around in this much pain and feeling this badly about myself, and I still washed clothes, fed my family, shopped for groceries, helped with homework, gave baths, showered and dressed myself, worked part-time, and got to church most Sundays.
I guess I was doing better than I thought.
Abuse and recovery are a volatile combination. The ups and downs can drive me nutty (but maybe that's just real life for everyone).
Right now I'm struggling with viewing myself as weak and disgusting. I recognize that's the abuse talking, and I know from personal experience I can get beyond it. It's just going to take some time and kindness on my part.
And maybe a punching bag.
linking up with Writer's Workshop
You are strong and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWith God you can do anything.
ReplyDeletekeep going, be strong. kelley at the road goes ever ever on
ReplyDelete"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” You can do it.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take all the negative away and fill it with kittens or something. I can't imagine trying to cope with an abuse roulette.
ReplyDeletethis is healing... it doesn't look like it, but I believe it's the beginning of a huge amount of healing. believing in this for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is so healthy to see our progress in what the Lord has taught us and led us through. Great post!
ReplyDelete