It still crops up. Usually when I least expect it. Memory pain. Last night and this morning I had that recurring pain in my leg. I haven't struggled with it in a while, so I immediately began wondering. Trying to figure out a cause. Fussing at myself for hurting again.
It still comes. Pain and memories. I don't seek them out, and sometimes I can't figure out the trigger. And maybe there is no trigger. Maybe it's just part of the reality of surviving the abuse. It becomes a mind race of sorts. Don't let the pain throw me back into old coping mechanisms. Don't start berating myself for things that aren't (never were) my fault.
So I am reminded again of that phrase that my counselor has used and that I have read too many times to count. Be still and sit with the pain. Don't panic. Don't run from it. Accept it. And in my stillness the pain may not subside, but it doesn't increase. Deep breathing. Being still. Accepting. These are all good things. Things I can do. Reminders it is not my fault. Not then and not now.
linking up with Five Minute Friday