Just Write

FIL and DD

It's April and when I left my father-in-law's house this afternoon it was sleeting. That's the kind of spring we are having, and let me just say, it's not doing a darn thing for my mood. My mood which is bleak already. My mood which my family will tell you has been in the toilet lately. My mood that I can't quite explain.

Just blah. A little tired. A little sad. A little anxious. I can list some pretty good reasons for my down in the dumps attitude. 
-- Blah non-spring weather following a blah non-winter. 
-- My father-in-law is in declining health. It's hard watching someone I care about die. It's harder watching the man I love lose his father -- his last remaining parent. It's hard helping my children understand their dad's moodiness. And I'm a fixer at heart. These things that can't be fixed, no matter what I do, they really undo me. 
-- Add to that my own struggles with past childhood abuse, and April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I'm helping my husband with a presentation on the diagnosis and treatment of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I guess that about sums things up.

So what do you do when the stress keeps building, and there's really not much to be done about it, but get through it? 

I pray . . . a lot.

I write.

I cook.

I breathe.

I make lists.

I beat up on myself mentally. (A really bad habit, that I'm trying to break.)

So I'm writing. I'm sharing about hard things, and hoping I don't get backlash for being a negative Nellie. 

It's just that the reality of this life is beauty and messy and happy and sad and thrilling and awful. And if we only talk about the pretty stuff, we're leaving a lot unsaid. And unsaid things can do a lot of damage.

So I'm saying that right now, in this time and place, it's tough. I believe it will get better. I believe someday I'll look back on this period of my life and see things I need to see that I can't see now. And through it is the only way to get there.

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