Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Just Write

It had been a long time since it happened. She had developed a since of complacency. Focused on all the good and positive things. How happy this made her, even a passing thought of gratitude for those things being in the past.

She should know better by now. Happy, at ease, content, positive were all the warning signs for the ax to fall. And fall it did. It started gradually. Just a fleeting image through her head at an inopportune time. The shaking of her head to send it flying away. "I'm not going to think about it." The old methods, except they don't work any more. The picture stayed and grew and morphed. 

Different approach. Okay, she'd take control of the situation. Stop what's happening and look at the picture. Acknowledge it and agree within herself to deal with it later. See, she thought to herself, I can do this. Except she couldn't. The panic escalated. She remembered this feeling. The "I know, but I don't want to look at it" mentality. Shut it back in the box. Don't talk about it. Don't investigate. It's disgusting. It's denigrating. It's just more evidence of what a heinous person she really is.

The moment of happiness is gone. It is replaced by self-loathing and self-doubt. By trying to figure out how much to say, and what the right things are to say. How to explain to him in a way to get what she needs. 

And she never gets that right.

linking up with Just Write (an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments)

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