I Am a Good Person

Abuse has long standing and far reaching effects. My experience has been that just about the time I think I have a handle on it, something new comes along to challenge the work I have done.


This past weekend brought some new challenges. My dd came home for a visit from the program she is in to deal with her chemical disorder. My expectation was that I would be excited to have her home for a visit. The reality was that I was very worried, tense and nervous about all of us falling back into bad patterns of behavior and coping with stress. The truth of the weekend was a mix of both. 


It's amazing the things I hear coming out of my mouth sometimes! Thankfully, most of those comments come in safe environments, like with my therapist or in private conversations with my dh. Last week talking to my therapist, I said, "I just want to do everything right this weekend, because I am worried about doing the wrong thing and ruining everything." That's classic abuse reaction. Take full responsibility for everything that goes wrong in any situation. I know I don't really have that kind of power, but my experiences led me to believe that if I had just done/or not done certain things, I could have controlled the abusers -- kept them from hurting me. That's re-victimization I think. Letting the abusers make me responsible for their actions. It's a defense mechanism. Everyone uses it to a certain degree. There is safety and security in believing that a person becomes a victim because they neglected to take proper precautions. The problem with that way of thinking is that it's false. You can do everything "right" and still be victimized or have an accident through no fault of your own. That's especially true of children.


Once more, God provided lessons and reassurance that I needed. A good Sunday school lesson on the difference between expectations and desires. A wonderful sermon on God's relationship with us and His desire for our relationships with one another. My dh once again giving me the pep talk and reminders that I am a good person who had bad things done to her (and he still makes me laugh). 


So the weekend's over and things will go back to routine, except it's never routine -- so bring it on Monday!