Grasp

grasp -- seize, clutch, embrace, understand

i listen as the therapist explains, again, this concept of dissociation.
i lean in to make sure i am absorbing every word she says.
i know in my head the purpose and cause of dissociation.
i know as a child in a horrible situation it was a good thing.
it provided protection, self-preservation, sanity.
but sometimes the messages from the past get mixed up with the truth of the present.
they said, you are a liar . . . no one will believe you.
does that mean i can't believe myself?
i know what is true. i know what happened.
i know that i was in that study with that man doing horrible, terrifying, painful things to my body.
i know that my mind chose to escape my body and go to a place of safety to wait until he was finished with my body.
i know imagery is often used to soothe adults in stressful times.
i am amazed that as a child i could use a similar technique with no guidance or instruction.
i listen to the therapist explain, again, the benefit that dissociation provided then.
i seize. i clutch. i want to embrace, to understand.
i grasp.

linking up with 5 minute friday and imperfect prose on thursday