I write about the abuse from my childhood. About recovery from that abuse. And the ongoing struggle with chronic PTSD. The voice starts in my head -- "Don't compare your 'problems' with other's real problems" or "That happened a long time ago. You should be over it by now".
But I'm not over it. Hence the term "chronic". I was asked to describe PTSD --
Walking in darkness; fearing the abyss
Appearing normal, but I am shattering inside
I know God is big enough to handle all the problems, large and small. But I'm feeling like a failure these days. Struggling again with extended family issues. Dealing with wanting to run away and hide. Trying to make myself be kind to be me. Stating the truth about my feelings without denigrating them.
And it all just seems so whiny.
The only way out seems to be to remind myself of how bad it really was. To tell myself what I'd tell anyone else who had my experiences. To cut myself some slack (so much easier said than done!). And to believe that I'm not just making excuses and seeking attention.
Recently someone commented on a post --
My past is kinder than yours, but when I'm overwhelmed and/or tired, I slip into what I call "conspiracy-theory mode" where I think everyone's thinking and talking about and working against and hating me.
and that opening phrase -- my past is kinder than yours -- almost made me cry. Someone else acknowledging that is was a hard past, and it's understandable that it still impacts my day to day life.
So will you stand with me . . . again? Have I worn out my welcome with my neediness?
linking up with imperfect prose
Dear Melanie
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, today I am also struggling to survive that gremlin of guilt whispering all his damnable lies in our ears. I am having a bad Fibromyalgia day and even thought I know I have to take things very easy and rest a lot, I still listen to that little voice telling me how big a good-for-nothing I am. We all have things from our last, dear friend, that we need to work through. We stay in a world lost in sorrow and darkness. So let us team up together against that pestering little voice! Praying for you, dear friend.
Mia
Bless you for your kind response. It does so help to know I am not alone. I will pray for you as well. This message that I must attain perfection is so horrible. Thank you for sharing.
Deletesweet Melanie,
ReplyDeletealways, always here, to stand with you.
always.
xo
Oh thank you, e. Such kindness.
DeleteOf course I stand with you and by you. We "survivors" of abuse and fellow ptsd members, seek each other out because we understand exactly what you mean. Nothing to be ashamed of, and yet, we are. Or I am sometimes. Or like you, apologize for being and/or sounding whiny. No worries, chin up! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for that "chin up"! I needed that of course. Shame and guilt and responsibility. Such burdens to carry, but so much easier when I share. Thank you and blessings!
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