When Paranoia Comes Knocking

I have another sinus infection. I went to the doctor yesterday, and they were baffled by it. So of course I began to feel responsible, as if I had done something wrong.

The doctor can't figure out why I have another infection, so in my head this is what
happens:
-- that means she thinks I'm making it up
. . . except she said my throat was red and covered with drainage

-- that means she knows I'm just seeking attention
. . . except she suggested sending me to an asthma specialist

She gave me a hug after we finished the exam.
-- does that mean she pities me?
. . . it could mean she likes me, and that's why she said she was glad to see me, but sorry I felt so badly.

Abuse does weird things to the way I process everything. All people are suspect. Motives must be investigated to find ulterior motives.

And when I am sick that just adds another layer to it all. Yesterday there was a resident shadowing my doctor. She seemed nice, but she doesn't know me. Did they talk about me after I left? Did she wonder why my doctor hugged me? Did she think I was malingerer? 

Paranoia. One of the usual signs that I am actually physically sick. Most of the time I can keep it in check, but when an infection wears on my strength, the paranoia sneaks back in. 

So for today, I'm taking my medicine and resting on the sofa. I'm drinking lots of water, and trying to settle my racing thoughts, while really hoping and praying that this round of antibiotics does the trick.

Blessings!


linking up with imperfect prose