Friday, September 28, 2012

Goals and Ambitions

I started writing years ago. That random journaling that girls do all through high school. Writing down feelings, pain, thoughts, dreams, desires.
I gave it up. It seemed silly, childish, and immature. All that whining.
I went into therapy around 30. The counselor suggested journaling, but all I could do was chronicle my days.
I gave it up. It seemed silly, childish, and immature. All that minutiae.
I forged ahead trying to live my life the way everyone told me I should.
I broke.
I started writing again. It was the only way to get the thoughts and pictures in my head to calm down. It seemed silly, childish, and immature. But this time I couldn't give it up. I needed to "tell" someone. 
I vomited out all the horror of abuse, betrayal, distrust, and shame.
Eventually I started to share what I'd written.
I started a blog.
I wanted to share my past, my present, and my dreams for my future.
I questioned my reasons. I wrote anyway.
I dream of writing a book that is cohesive -- that helps other people with similar struggles. 
I wonder about my motivations. Are they pure? 
I wonder if I am setting myself up as a survivor. Am I survivor?
I worry about questions asked that I can't answer.
I worry about memoirs that are discounted after the fact.
I worry about someone calling me a liar, just like they said would happen.
But I keep writing. Telling the story. Sharing the pain. Hoping for the best.
I'm not sure if those are goals, ambitions, aspirations. I just know it's what keeps me moving forward. Because maybe it wasn't ever silly, childish, and immature. Maybe it is just my life. And that makes it worth telling.

linking up at Red Writing Hood

5 comments:

  1. Worth telling indeed! We write for so many reasons and sometimes it is that simple - we write because we write. We write because we need to. We write because we're writers!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What is going to mark if it is worth writing about or not? Will it be the number of people that it helps, the amount of feedback, the number of books sold? How many people that get help, comfort or validation from reading what you write will make it all worth while? I think if it helps one person then you purpose has been met. If this helps you to heal, process, build your stregth or just move forward then you are that one person that you have helped. I know that I have missed some opportunities to help people by not writing about my physical recovery and my mom having Alzheimer's. I think you are a resource that people can turn to that need it. Keep going. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for that little girl out there that has gone through what you went through and feels she is all alone and remains silent because she is afraid that no one would believe her and that people might think of her differently.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If even putting down a single word helps it is never childish, immature or worthless. To you, it's is priceless.

    Good luck on your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Putting thoughts an feelings to paper is brave and truthy and beautiful. Don't stop, not if for even one minute it helps!

    ReplyDelete
  5. As a therapist, I support what you were told. WRITE. It helps more than most people would admit. Even if you're the only one it helps, it's okay. Write anyways. And if you can get it published and it helps someone else, that's all the better.

    ReplyDelete

Please sign up as a follower to see comment replies.